Explanations and Excuses
by pepoluan
Summary: The Illusive Man explains Cerberus to Shepard. Shepard confronts TIM in a battle of wits around facts found during LoTSB in Chapter 18, "Things Written and Unwritten". ** Story entering hiatus; please read the post-A/N of last chapter **
1. Akuze

**A/N: **I always thought of Cerberus as a 'necessary evil', a ruthless organization but not evil per se. So here's my take in the form of Shepard-TIM interaction. I may have taken some liberties with some canon facts, and if I do so, please tell me.

**Translation Available!** My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: _**Объяснения и причины **_( Story ID 6525059 )

**Disclaimer: **Mass Effect, its universe, and the characters within, all belong to BioWare.

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 1 : Akuze**

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"You want the truth, commander? You can't handle the truth!"

"Try me. Give me a reason why I should trust you."

To say that The Illusive Man was seething with anger would be a great understatement. He was _enraged_. _How dare he question my motives, after all I've done for humanity... after I brought him back to life!_

The Illusive Man inhaled deeply on his cigarette. Despite being extremely angered, he still had to maintain the upper hand. _Maintain the status quo. And regain it if lost._

"Alright. You want answers? I'll give you answers. But let me ask you a question first, Shepard," he spoke in controlled voice, while crushing his cigarette with somewhat more force than necessary. "How does it feel to lose people you love?"

Shepard was slightly taken aback. That question indeed recalled memories of his squad at Akuze. And his hatred of Cerberus surfaced again.

"It hurts. Especially more so, because _you_ took them from me!"

"*_I_* did? It was the thresher maw - -"

"But it was you who lured my squad into a trap! You made the decision to sacrifice them, your _fellow humans!_ How dare you say you acted for the best of humanity!"

The Illusive Man smirked. "So, you'd prefer that we lured the turians into a trap? Or perhaps, the quarians?"

Shepard paused. "That isn't the point! The point is - -"

"Tell me, Shepard!" interrupted The Illusive Man. "When you did your black ops missions in the N7. Did you have any qualms in 'taking care' of the rebellions? Were they not your _fellow humans_?"

"That's different," Shepard tried to evade, "that's - -"

"For the greater good of humanity! Yes, I know all the propagandas the Alliance fed you. Tell me: Why not send the N7 on missions against aliens?"

Shepard was startled as he realized that the conversation seemed to have drifted away from his plan. He tried to answer by-the-book, "because such unprovoked action - -"

"Will be considered a declaration of war. Indeed! And why are we so afraid of war? Did we not defeat the turians during the First Contact war? Why, Shepard? Can you tell me, why are we humans so afraid of war?"

Shepard pressed his left hand fingers to his temple. "Because the next war will possibly pit us against the whole galaxy - -"

"And we are afraid of that because what, Shepard? Tell me: why are we afraid of such war?"

Shepard steeled himself as he said his reply, because he could see that The Illusive Man was leading him to paint himself into a corner. "Because we might lose."

The Illusive Man stood up, his emotions stirred. "Because we _*might*_ lose! What if it isn't _*us*_ that started the war? What if the act of provocation is carried out by another species? Will we retreat with our tails between our hind legs? Or will we fight?"

Shepard just stood there in silence.

"They did _*not*_ gave us the gift of Citadel membership. We fought tooth and nail for recognition! Yet, other Citadel races still think of us as too young, still _unworthy_ of membership! They keep treating us as pushovers, letting us occupy the bottom-feeding position on the galactic caste!"

The Illusive Man turned to face Shepard again, his augmented eyes boring deeply into Shepard's. Even though the commander stood there in front of the enigmatic human only in holographic form, Shepard felt as if his soul was being probed on.

"We did what no one else has enough gut to do, Shepard! If humanity ever come upon war again, be assured that humanity will stand victor!" The Illusive Man paused to draw another cigarette and lighted it.

Shepard just stood there in silence. His mind a maelstrom of thoughts, on one side an understanding of what the Cerberus leader said - - yet the other side still wanting to avenge the deaths of his squad.

"But why the torture?" Shepard tried to stoke the fire of his vengeance once more. "Why expose them to more experimentation?"

The Illusive Man thought for awhile. He understood that he must select his words carefully, lest he lost Shepard again for good.

"I'll answer your question after you answer mine: Did the Alliance mount a search and rescue ops for them, or did they not?" The Illusive Man asked, somewhat softly, with neither a malicious edge nor the usual hint arrogance in his voice.

The question hit Shepard hard. _They... never tried to find other survivors... soon after they rescued me, they declared the rest of my team as KIA..._

As Shepard tried to sort out his thoughts, The Illusive Man seated himself again, somewhat tiredly. "Shepard, let me tell you what only a handful of people in this galaxy knows," he said as he leaned back on his chair, his eyes focused on nothing in particular.

"The Systems Alliance had already realized the military value of the thresher maws. But due to _politics_," The Illusive Man spat out the word in disgust, "they just can't purposefully experimented on their soldiers. So, they _invited_ Cerberus to perform the... experiment.

"Following your squads encounter with the beasts, Cerberus' planet-side team scoured the countryside and found survivors. All of them were in various states of injury. Many grievous, only you were relatively unscathed.

"We relayed your positions to our liaison in the Alliance, and what did they reply?

"_Take the survivors with you, and find out how exactly the thresher maw acid works. Leave only those unscathed or lightly injured; we don't want physical proof of the deadliness of the thresher maws._

"So that's what we did. We leave you there and bring the other survivors to our research cell for further experimentation - all under implicit approval of the Alliance."

Shepard couldn't believe what he just heard. In his mind, he screamed, _No! That is not possible! The Systems Alliance is honorable! They will not stoop so low as to coöperate with a terrorist group! No! ... can't be... I refuse to accept that..._

As if capable of reading Shepard's mind, The Illusive Man asked, "Can't accept the truth now, can you, Shepard? But that _*is*_ the truth, no matter it is hard to swallow or not."

Shepard shook his head in denial, screaming, "No! Can't be! That's... preposterous!"

The Illusive Man just smiled bitterly. "Yes it is true. The Alliance keep their image of being the good guys, and Cerberus takes all the blame. Have you even considered this one, Shepard," The Illusive Man dragged deep into his cigarette, and continued after exhaling a copious amount of smoke, "why the Alliance were so quick in disavowing you, even with your stellar achievements like the Star of Terra, being the first human spectre, and being the human that successfully took down the rogue spectre Saren?"

The Illusive Man turned his chair to face Shepard, and continued, "Have you ever wondered why they did not attempt to retrieve your fallen body, instead seeing it adequate to arrange a funeral with an empty coffin, _*even*_ when they are perfectly informed on where exactly the SR-1 incident took place?"

Shepard dropped his gaze. He just... no longer have the strength nor desire to look at The Illusive Man's face. All The Man's explanation made a lot of sense... but he still can't bring himself to accept them.

"You're in denial, Shepard. And that is human, I don't blame you for that. Let me only stress you one thing: We don't agree on lots of things with the Alliance. So, despite their reluctance – nay, aversion – to get involved with you, Cerberus still believe in you."

Shepard felt dizzy. He felt as if the room started spinning around him.

The Illusive Man noted Shepard becoming somewhat unsteady. "I believe you already have enough to ponder upon, Shepard, so let me end this conversation. Just remember, even when you don't trust us, we still believe you... believe _*in*_ you... we're your only true allies at this moment. Cerberus Command out."

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The Illusive Man sighed as the QEC line ended. He leaned back on his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. He briefly considered sending Officer Lawson the recording of the... conversation that had just taken place, but then decided against that. _Officer Lawson already knew what happened, _he reasoned_. No doubt Shepard will tell her what had happened, and I do expect Officer Lawson to provide him with an explanation coming from her own, rather than mimicking what I've told him._ So he decided to just tell her to prepare to explain what happened at Akuze, instead.

He sighed. He knew that in the coming days, Shepard will again 'interrogate' him for more facts. And he'd better be ready if he wanted to secure Shepard's allegiance.

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**Author's Note: **So, how do you like my story? Go ahead, tell me. Criticisms are also welcome :D

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_**Edit 01:** Fixed some misspellings, changed some spacers.  
**Edit 02:** Fix the decors, rewrite the A/Ns  
__**Edit 03:** Put in info on Russian translation_


	2. Xenophobia

**A/N: **Something I forgot in the first chapter: I am greatly indebted to Kane Lam for the inspiration to my story. It's his story "_**Through a Looking Glass Darkly**_" that actually inspire me to write this story. That story's StoryID is **5851704**, please also leave a review for him.

**Translation Available!** My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: _**Объяснения и причины **_( Story ID 6525059 )

**Usual Disclaimer: **Mass Effect, its universe, and the characters within, as we know are all owned by BioWare.

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 2: Xenophobia**

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Although he already knew what Shepard's answer would be, out of politeness The Illusive Man asked the question anyway.

"Have you spoken to Officer Lawson about our previous... discussion?"

Shepard, as usual, was standing in a military at-ease posture in front of him.

"No need. She'll just repeat what you said to me. She *is* your second-in-command, after all."

The Illusive Man took a drag on his cigarette, and as he tapped the ashes into the ashtray, replied, "Not necessarily. She is very loyal - as you would no doubt have realized by now - but also very bright, and I'm sure you've experienced bearing the brunt of her emotions once."

Shepard just smirked, "Yes, she indeed loves her sister very much, doesn't she?" Before initiating another Quantum Entanglement Communication with Cerberus Command, Shepard had decided that this time he'll play it cool and polite. _Don't want to get painted in a corner again, do we?_

"There's more than that, but I'll just let you discover what on your own. Now, how may I amuse you this time, Shepard?"

Shepard was slightly intrigued at The Illusive Man's words. _More than that?_ But decided to just let his curiosity go unanswered to directly ask the Cerberus leader another burning question:

"Why do you hate aliens so much?"

For a moment Shepard thought The Illusive Man's controlled smile changed into a grim façade, but it was just too fleeting to be sure.

"Hate the aliens? I don't hate them, as long as they don't try to shackle humanity and preventing us from claiming our rightful place in the galaxy."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe."

"Then, may I draw your attention that there *are* aliens in your squad, Shepard. A turian, a salarian, a krogan, a quarian, an asari, a drell... and may I remind you that it was *I* that handpicked them."

Shepard nodded. At least, he had to give some credit for that to The Man.

Noticing the nod, The Illusive Man continued, "Have you found any crewmember outside your squad that actually hate aliens? Have you actually see, or even heard rumors, about any crewmember disrespectful of the aliens? And why do you think I went through all the troubles to find you a yeoman that's also skillful at xenopsychology? Now contrast that to the crew of the SR-1, and please tell me, which crew is more accommodating with aliens?"

Shepard just stood there with mixed feelings. He agreed with The Illusive Man's earlier sentences, but his last question triggered something within him.

"Don't you dare smear the members of the SR-1! They are willing to give their lives for any mission! They are one of the best crew I've had the honor of serving with!"

The Illusive Man lifted up both his hands and avoided Shepard's gaze. "Alright, alright," he said somewhat apologetically, "I apologize. I did *not* mean to disrespect the SR-1 crew. But objectively," he returned his gaze to Shepard, "Can you *objectively* declare that there is *no* SR-1 crew that does not have *any* prejudice when they *first* meet the aliens?"

The Illusive Man's apology succeeded in somewhat cooling down the commander, allowing him to think. _Pressly was suspicious of the aliens, although later he'd proudly claim to entrust them with his life... Anderson had doubts... Joker even sometimes voiced his concern... And the admirals were none-too-pleased... and Ashley was..._

The Illusive Man just nodded as he watched Shepard wrestling with his memories of his former crew. The Illusive Man just sat silently, drawing some lungful of smoke from the cigarette as Shepard closed his eyes and shake his head from side to side, biting his lower lip, and trying to recall the memories of the SR-1 crew.

"Bittersweet memories," The Illusive Man commented softly, yet loud enough to draw Shepard out of his reverie. "Again, I apologize for making you relive your time aboard the SR-1. But like I had previously said – though in a different way – if you really wanted the truth, Shepard, you'll have to be ready for the unpleasantness."

Shepard opened his eyes, and answered, "I understand. But the news channels have regularly reported on Cerberus attacks and sabotages. And Cerberus is well-known for their xenophobic reputation. Surely there can't be a smoke without a fire."

The Illusive Man scoffed at Shepard's words. "You've been in N7. Surely you know better than to take those news without a grain of salt. Or, should I say, *huge* grains of salt."

Shepard nodded. This time, he agreed with the enigmatic Cerberus leader. But he still pressed on, "But even fabricated news need something to anchor them to reality, even manufactured facts. And as I see it, the charges stick very well to Cerberus. Surely you can't deny that fact."

"No, I do not deny that fact, Shepard," The Illusive Man answered casually, blowing a copious amount of smoke in the air. _Too effin' damn casually,_ Shepard thought.

"So there *indeed* is some xenophobic elements in Cerberus. Care to tell me more on that?"

The Illusive Man crushed his cigarette and leaned back on his chair, crossed his right leg over his left, and steepled his hands, his index finger just touching his lower lip. His eyes gazed deeply into Shepard's, as if trying to determine if the commander was worthy enough for what he about to say.

They kept staring at each other for a long time. Then abruptly The Illusive Man broke the silence, "I am sorry Shepard, I can't possibly answer that question in a satisfactory way. Why don't you have a conversation with Officer Lawson?"

Shepard was caught unaware as he heard The Illusive Man's answer. _Why bring up Miranda?_ "But surely you as the leader of Cerberus – the face of Cerberus, for all I know – have all the reasons —"

"This conversation is finished, Shepard," The Illusive Man cut over his sentence, as he turned his chair to face away from Shepard. "Go talk to Officer Lawson. I have other things to attend to. Cerberus Command out."

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

The holo projection of The Illusive Man flickered and disappeared, leaving an intrigued commander standing alone in the conference room.

_At least I found something that rankled Cerberus' top brass,_ he thought to himself. Satisfied that he had found a button to push on the seemingly unshakable Cerberus leader, Shepard left the room.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

_From : Cerberus Central Command  
To : Officer Miranda Lawson_

_Miss Lawson,_

_Please entertain any questions Shepard has for you. Tell him all he needs to know._

_Remember, 'all he needs to know'._

_Rgds,  
_—·  
_The Illusive Man_

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Miranda raised an eyebrow. _What's going on?_ She asked himself. She knew that Shepard has been conferencing with The Illusive Man back and forth for the past couple of days. _But what could be so complex that The Illusive Man can't answer for himself…_

Just as she was trying to guess what could be the problem, her door annunciator chimed.

"Come in."

"Got a minute, Miss Lawson?" Miranda lifted up her head and saw the commander standing in the doorway. She could've sworn there's a slight smirk pasted on his face. _Must be a trick of light_.

"Come in, commander. You know, to what honor do you see fit to visit me at this time," she asked as Shepard entered and seated himself on the chair across hers. "At this time of day, you're usually bantering with Mr. Vakarian and Ms. _Zorah_, reminiscing about the times aboard the prior Normandy vessel."

Something in her voice intrigued Shepard. Immediately he recalled something The Illusive Man has said. But deciding to not investigate that yet, he pressed on with what was on his mind when he entered.

"Tell me, Miss Lawson. Why is Cerberus identical with xenophobia, while everything I've experienced up to now," he spoke, his spreading as if to indicate everything around him, "indeed does not give me a sense of one?"

Miranda smirked. "We do not control the news channels, Shepard. At least, not yet. The Alliance, however… all terran news channels are practically their puppies."

Shepard nodded. "But even for false news to gain hold, for them to be remotely believable, there's gotta be something to tie those news to Cerberus. Someone hasn't been honest with me. So, what I wanted to know is," Shepard leaned on Miranda's desk, his hands together, as he closed the distance with her and spoke with conspiratorial voice.

"Does Cerberus indeed harbor no ill feeling toward the aliens, maybe a xenophobia hidden behind the seemingly honorable desire of 'protecting humanity first and foremost, no matter the cost'?"

Without her realizing it, Miranda had gradually leaned back away from Shepard as he closed the distance. Yet the commander's movement has resulted in his face completely filling her view. _Those eyes… eyes that I did not expect to open again, even after 2 years of work… um, what?_ "Uh, I don't quite understand you commander. If I may rephrase your question, were you asking if we have ulterior motives, perhaps a desire of committing xeno-genocide, just in the name of protecting humanity?"

Shepard pondered her words for awhile, before smiling and answering, "There's that, yes. There's another question bugging my mind, but let's hear what you have to say first."

Miranda nearly chuckled, but managed to regain control of her composure just in time. _He's so damn comforting to be around. So skillful at making others feel at ease._

"Well, the answer then would be, no unless it is of the utmost necessity. A case in point would be the design of the original Normandy, which shows the amazing skill the turians have in designing military vessels."

"Which you have improved upon with this vessel, I see. I'm not complaining about that, although that big bed in the loft sometimes makes me feel lonely," Shepard answered with a smile, before realizing that he might have just said something… untoward. "Um, please continue."

Miranda just raised an eyebrow at Shepard's apparent slip of the tongue. "Well, that's it, commander. And your second question is?"

Shepard silently wished he could kick himself in the behind when he realized that he was flustered. "Uh, the second question, um… if Cerberus doesn't explicitly have xenophobic tendencies, then why does the Alliance seem so hell-bent on painting Cerberus as one? On what grounds?"

"There are… some background of the Cerberus that… once had strong xenophobic tendencies… But the tendencies are no longer, I assure you."

"Explain to me please."

"I do not see why knowing such… background, will assist you in carrying your missions —"

"I need to know if I can really trust Cerberus with my squad, if by assisting you guys I won't be putting the lives of my alien friends in danger."

"Again, I assure you, the Cerberus has no wish of jeopardizing the lives of —"

"Then explain it to me, _Miranda_."

Miranda caught her breath as she heard Shepard calling her with her first name. _I… he never…_ Miranda shook her head, then looked to her right towards the door, wishing to avoid Shepard's gaze. _All he needs to know. Right._

"Alright. Commander —"

"Please, call me Shepard."

Miranda nods, "Shepard." Just saying that name somehow made her stomach aflutter. She took a deep breath. "You truly have never been married; much less have any children on your own, have you?"

Shepard sighed. _What is it with Cerberus answering questions with more questions?_ "No, I am positively and undoubtedly un-married, and I have no next of kin at all. That is, if you discount distant nephews and nieces I may have somewhere in the galaxy."

Miranda nodded again. "But The Illusive Man had. A wife and a daughter, to be exact. A long, long time ago, when humanity is just starting to reach to the stars. He lost them when the science vessel they were in was attacked during a survey to a newly-found mass relay. The vessel was only lightly guarded, and the attackers never sent them any warning. The Alliance managed to retrieve their bodies and provided for the funeral. But they never caught the perpetrators; much less bring them to justice."

The revelation struck Shepard like a lightning. Now he can begin to understand everything. Why The Illusive Man was so hell-bent on giving humanity an edge in battles. Why he was so bitter with the Alliance. Why he was unable to put in words on why Cerberus was known as a xenophobic terrorist organization. All those ruthlessness, all those horrific acts… The Illusive Man was not evil; the devil had visited him in person, and gutted his heart.

Miranda just watched Shepard from across her desk, worry started to line her face. _God, please do not let him think that all of this is just some made-up sob story._

After some moments of uneasy silence, Shepard rose from his chair. "I see."

"It was all true, Shepard. You can check —"

Shepard lifted a hand to politely interrupt Miranda. "I did not say that you lied to me. I just… I need some time to think on this. Alone. I'll be in my quarters, and no one is to disturb me for the next couple of hours."

Miranda just nodded, her gaze following the commander as he made his way out of her office/quarters, her heart wishing she could accompany him as the door swished shut.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

_From : Officer Miranda Lawson  
To : Cerberus Central Command_

_Sir,_

_I am sorry, but there is no way I can evade his question. So I've told him._

_Sincerely,  
—_·  
_Miranda Lawson_

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The Illusive Man nodded. _Lawson. Do you think I don't know of your thoughts about Shepard? Well, the cat's out of the bag. No use crying over spilt milk, so we'll just cross the bridge when the time comes._

"Lights out. Terminals off. Music on."

The Illusive Man leaned back on his chair as the VI turned off the lights and the terminals, allowing him to see the star that's been gracing his office. As Pachelbel's Canon started wafting over the speakers, he opened a gold locket he had in his hands, and looked longingly at the holos within.

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**Author's Note: **Special greetz to JadedObserver which gave me that cool almost-slogan! :D

**Next Chapter:** The quarians enter the picture!

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_**Edit 01:**__ Rewrite the A/Ns, make the decorations uniform. Better spacers.  
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	3. Quarians

**Translation Available!** My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: **_Объяснения и причины _**( Story ID 6525059 )

**Usual disclaimer: **BioWare owns them all! (Except the general idea of this story)

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 3: Quarians**

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"Shepard. This is quickly getting to be your new habit, you know. A new habit that I'm still not sure if I'll like or not."

Shepard just shrugged. "You need my help, and I need your answers. A fair trade, if you ask me."

The Illusive Man nodded. "Not technically a quid pro quo, but close. What will it be today, commander?"

"About yesterday, I'm sorry —"

The Cerberus Leader lifted his hand and cut off the commander's words. "That will stay only between you, me, and Officer Lawson. And we will not talk about that anymore."

Shepard nodded. "Then, I have a new question. If you – or Cerberus, for that matter – is not xenophobic, why attack the Migrant Fleet?"

The Illusive Man clasped his hands together and again gave Shepard that evaluating look. During the uneasy pause that took place, Shepard's mind start to wander to what happened last night…

—–—

After going up into his quarters, Shepard flopped himself on his couch. His mind went through the things he had discussed earlier with The Illusive Man and Miranda. But despite his best efforts to tidy up his thoughts, his attempts to satisfactorily classify Cerberus and its leader still resulted in dead ends and more mixed up thoughts.

After learning about The Illusive Man's tragic past, Shepard can't help but feel some pity for the man. But just as some hints of compassion started to creep up, new thoughts arose raising his anger again as he recalled Cerberus' atrocities. And just before his rage replaced his anger, confusion reigned supreme when he recalled all the inconsistencies and disappointment he experienced from the Systems Alliance.

He sighed. He never thought uncluttering one's mind would be as complex as this. _Maybe I need some music to help put my brain in a somewhat more relaxed state…_

"Music, please."

As the first bars of Abba's 'Chiquitita' came playing out the speakers in his quarters, his mind started relaxing… and soon the 'couple of hours' he had said to Miranda got extended to more than 6 hours as he slipped into a dreamless doze…

_Chiquitita, you and I know  
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving  
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end  
You will have no time for grieving  
..._

Shepard woke with a start. The lights in his quarters had already been dimmed by EDI. _I… fell asleep…_

"EDI, how long have I fell asleep?" he asked the ship's AI as he stood up and stretched.

"Six hours, commander. You have missed not only dinner time but also the late night snack time."

"Uh-hum… Anyone needed me?"

"Officer Lawson had been regularly checking up on you, but to my knowledge she is now asleep in her quarters. Shall I tell her that you've awakened?"

Shepard thought for a while. _Miranda? Checking up on me? Hm…_ "No need, EDI. I'll just talk to her when she wakes up. Mess Sergeant still in the galley?"

"Mr. Gardner has also retired for the night approximately an hour ago. But he left you a message that he's prepared a sandwich just in case you 'wake up with great starvation'."

Shepard chuckles. "Good man, Gardner. Alrighty, mess hall here I come."

The commander made his way to the mess hall, entered the kitchen, found the sandwich (with a note "For The Commander" pinned using a toothpick on the sandwich, in Gardner's characteristic cursive writing), and went back to the mess hall tables, when all of a sudden . . .

"Can't sleep, Shepard?"

Not expecting someone to still be up at that ungodly hour, Shepard nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Oh, hi Tali. No, I … fell asleep. Accidentally. And you?"

Tali shrugged. "I… I've just been thinking…"

Shepard slid into the chair across the table from Tali, placing his plate of sandwich in front of him. "May I know about what?"

Tali lifted her head to look at Shepard's face, noticing that despite the weeks, there's still a weak orange glow emanating from underneath his facial skin. The glow is no longer visible during the day or even when the room was well-lighted, but with the lights set to dim, it is there.

"Um… how do I say this, Shepard…" Tali grew nervous, as she started wringing her fingers.

Shepard couldn't help but thinking how cute the quarian girl was whenever she did that. "Go ahead and shoot, Tali."

"Um… what? Shoot what? I have no quarrel with you, Shepard?"

_Gah._ "Uh, I meant, just ask, Tali. It's a human metaphor for 'just ask'."

Tali nodded, her face blushing. "Ah… sorry for the misunderstanding… um, I heard, you've been talking to … The Illusive Man lately?"

Shepard smiled. "Yes. Now, that wasn't so hard, wasn't it?" he replied as he took a healthy bite out of the sandwich.

"You… asked him about Akuze and Cerberus…?"

Shepard nodded. Managing to gulp down the sandwich before answering, "Yes."

"And…?"

Shepard paused. "And?"

"And, what did you find out from him?"

Shepard put down the sandwich he's about to bite, while trying to formulate words to reply to his dear quarian friend. "Apparently… I may have to rethink about both Cerberus and The Illusive Man…"

What happened next was totally unexpected to Shepard.

"Rethink! Cerberus hates aliens, and you even dare to entertain the thought of 'rethinking'?"

Mouth agape, Shepard tried to calm down the quarian girl. "Calm down Tali! Things might not be… the way they seem to be!"

Tali slammed a fist on the table. "So, you're now friends with Cerberus and The Illusive Man, aren't you? Shepard, I'm disappointed with you!" She turned and briskly walked toward the elevator.

"What the… hey, Tali! What are you talking about? Why are you so angry with me?"

Tali just coldly stared at him, replying just as the elevator's doors are closing. "Ask him why they attacked my people! Ask him why he found it necessary to send commandoes to board the _Idenna_ and even threatened to blow it up!"

The elevator doors slammed shut.

Shepard just sat there alone, totally dumbfounded. Suddenly he was hungry no more.

—–—

"I assume you found out about that … incident from Miss Zorah?"

The Illusive Man's question snapped Shepard back to the present time. "Yes. And honestly, I think all your talk about not being xenophobic is just bullshit if you attacked the Migrant Fleet."

The Illusive Man took a drag from his cigarette. "Shepard, Cerberus have never considered the quarians to be a threat to humanity."

"Then why the attack!" Shepard pressed on, his voice getting higher.

"The quarians harbored a stolen property of Cerberus —"

"_Bullshit_!" Shepard practically shouted. "Quarians are not thieves! Even though they're hard pressed for resources, they won't stoop so low as to be thieves! You're just making up excuses!"

The Illusive Man just watched Shepard's outburst impassionately. After Shepard has calmed down, he asked, "Shepard, ever heard of 'The Ascension Project'?"

Shepard was taken aback. He totally unexpected that question. "Vaguely, yes. It's the successor to the BAaT program. That's all I know of it. What's that gotta do with your attack?"

The Illusive Man just nodded and ignored Shepard's question. "The Ascension Project *is* a human biotics training program, but unlike BAaT, it's not a Systems Alliance exclusive project. We have included a Cerberus children in the project."

"You mean a children you abducted to put into the project?" Shepard smirked.

"No. She was the adopted children of one of our operatives."

Shepard just stood there in silence for a couple of seconds, before answering, "I see."

The Illusive Man continued, "She is … very talented with her biotics. Very talented, in fact, that we even considered her as 'humanity's savior'."

Sheppard nodded again.

"Unfortunately, there was an … incident involving her and another student at the Ascension Project, which necessitated us to un-enroll her from the Project. And she was retrieved by our operative, who, as the adoptive parent of the girl, has the rights to demand her release.

"The girl was supposed to be brought to a Cerberus facility for further research. But yet another unfortunate event took place: Another operative that should be transferring them to the Cerberus facility instead went corrupt, and decided to *sell* them to the Collectors; the father, the daughter, and the Ascension Project team members that accompany them."

Shepard shivered when he heard the Collectors being mentioned, but something sparked his curiosity, "Wait. Ascension Project team members?"

"Yes," The Illusive Man nodded, "they are not Cerberus operatives. Dr. Kahlee Sanders is a biotic researcher, and we do have plans to recruit her. Another team member is Hendel Mitra, the security specialist assigned by the Project to guard the girl.

"A quarian by the name of Lemm'Shal nar Tesleya decided to rescue them, and bring Dr. Sanders to his captain. Due to Dr. Sanders' research on artificial intelligence, Mr. Shal thought that introducing Dr. Sanders to the Migrant Fleet will be a present fitting for a Pilgrimage."

The Illusive Man paused for another drag at his cigarette.

"All would be well if Dr. Sanders had left the girl with the father. But for inexplicable reasons, she decided to bring along the girl to the Migrant Fleet. So, we assisted the father to retrieve her daughter from the Migrant Fleet."

Shepard tilted his head. _Something still feels… not right_. "Wait a minute. Tali had said that your commandoes _boarded_ the Idenna! No foreign vessel is allowed to approach the Migrant Fleet."

"We got the frequency and the codes from an exiled quarian, who once tried to sell _his_ fellow quarians to the Collectors."

Shepard gasped. _A quarian traitor?_

"A quarian traitor, yes," The Illusive Man continued, as if reading the commander's mind. "He even led the commandoes in storming the Idenna."

Shepard's head started swimming with all the unexpected information. "But… why trying to blow up the _Idenna_ then?"

The Illusive Man just looked at Shepard with a somewhat condescending look. "Shepard, even though you're a marine, and thus by definition, a grunt, I don't believe that they did *not* teach you the basics of warfare in the Academy."

"What … do you mean?"

"Look Shepard," The Illusive Man said impatiently, crushing his cigarette. "Had I wanted to *destroy* the quarians, I would've gone for the lifeships, instead of one cruiser among hundreds of others. Destroying the _Idenna_ will kill only about 700 quarians. Destroying a lifeship? Millions will die."

Shepard closed his eyes. _Destroying the lifeships… that's… genocide!_

"And one more thing, Shepard. I never meant to destroy the Idenna, only to disable it to ensure safe extraction of the girl!"

"But… attacking the quarians!"

"There is a price to pay to secure the girl's safety."

Shepard just snorted. "Anything to protect humanity, huh."

The Illusive Man nodded, then lighted another cigarette. "Anyways, thanks to you, commander, we have buried the hatchet among us. Quarians are indeed much more valuable as allies than as adversaries."

Shepard didn't understand. "What did I do?"

"You returned Veetor to the Migrant Fleet. I have to admit, Shepard, due to the prior bad blood between Cerberus and the quarians, I had thought that such action was foolish. But I *was* wrong, and you indeed have wisdom. Cerberus needs you Shepard. When you're no longer blinded by your naïveté, you would make a good successor."

Something in the Cerberus Leader's words struck Shepard. "What?"

The Illusive Man sighed. "Thanks to your act of returning Veetor to the quarians, they are no longer in animosity toward Cerberus. Granted, some bad feelings still exist; just like us and the turians. But now, at least we can say of the quarians, the enemy of my enemy is my friend indeed."

"No… it's something you said. Something - -"

"I am sorry, Shepard, I am scheduled for something else, and I am already late," The Illusive Man cut Shepard, puffing his cigarette, "maybe next time. Have a talk with Miss Zorah. Please implore her to understand that in this time of greatest need, we must not be hating each other. Cerberus Command out."

The holo projection of The Illusive Man flickered away leaving Shepard with more questions that before.

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**Author's Note: **

The explanation of what happened was 'adapted' from the storyline of "Mass Effect: Ascension." The facts are canon, but I 'massaged' it a bit.

Regarding Veetor:  
**(1)** Veetor is mentally unstable, even before the Collectors attacked.  
**(2) **If Veetor was taken by Cerberus, he was *not* tortured, but was actually given drugs *intended* to stabilize his mental condition to help Cerberus in debriefing. But since Cerberus knowledge of quarian physiology is probably very limited, the drugs instead worsen his conditions. He's still returned to the Migrant Fleet, though.

**Next up: **Joker! I swear! And Miranda will make a comeback!

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_**Edit 01: **__Fixed a pronoun there.**  
Edit 02:**__ Rewrite the A/Ns, uniformize the decorations._


	4. Joker

**Translation Available!** My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: _**Объяснения и причины **_( Story ID 6525059 )

**Disclaimer: **Lather, rinse, repeat.

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 4: Joker**

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Joker liked the dead man's hours.

Not because no one will be around to watch him watch some pr0n (though that's one of his ideas of 'killing a boredom'), but also because no one will know what he would do.

He slipped into the conference room, after making doubly sure that no one – save EDI – was watching.

"Mr. Moreau. Thank you for answering my call. I have to apologize for keeping you from your sleeping pod."

Joker just shrugged. "No problem, sir. I rarely use my pod after all."

The Illusive Man raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Is the visco-elastic mattress in your pod no longer supporting your weight?"

"Um, last time I checked, they're still very comfortable, sir. It's just that... I've been having nightmares... I felt like I should be in the cockpit, lest I'll lose my bab... the ship again," Joker answered sheepishly.

"I see. That is normal, Mr. Moreau. I can understand that; we are humans after all. But I hired you for your piloting skills, Mr. Moreau; I don't think a sleepy pilot will be able to prove that he's the best," The Illusive Man replied pointedly.

"Oh, no no no! You don't have to worry about me not resting, sir," said Joker quickly. "I sleep well enough on the pilot's chair. There, I have no nightmares, knowing I can instantly be in the pilot's seat when duty calls. Oh, and thanks for the real comfy chair, sir. I didn't ask for that, you know. Hope you don't dock that from my pay or something."

The Illusive Man actually almost chuckled to hear Joker's last sentence. "No, Mr. Moreau. That chair is courtesy of Cerberus. We take care of our people seriously. So I trust you've been finding everything to your liking?"

"Very much so, sir. And the retractable benches in the men's showers also help me a lot."

"And what about your leg implants? Are they still working well? Because if not, I may have to shoot the designers in the head." Joker's mouth went agape for awhile before the Cerberus leader continued, "that's a joke, Mr. Moreau. I'm surprised that a man known for a sarcastic humor actually fell for that. I see that Yeoman Chambers has a good influence on you; your... personal time together with her must've restored some of your naïveté."

Hearing Kelly's name mentioned, Joker's jaw fell to the floor. "Uh... she... us... um, you know about that, sir?"

"One can intuit what is happening when a psychologist starts reporting *physical* health more than mental health. But that's not what I want to talk with you about, Mr. Moreau."

"Oh, the leg implants! They're working very well, sir. I still have some limping, and if I stand still too long, the legs hurt, but I no longer need crutches now."

"Sorry about the pain, Mr. Moreau. Our physicians said that unless a complete bone marrow replacement *and* bone reinforcement is performed, you will still experience some discomfort. And unfortunately, we did not have the time to do that," The Illusive Man paused to light a cigarette. "But that is also *not* what I want to talk with you about."

"Oh... okay."

"Mr. Moreau, what I want to ask you about is," The Illusive Man puffed a copious amount of smoke before continuing, "Shepard."

"Um... what about him?"

"Well, Mr. Moreau, perhaps you are aware of the fact that for the past several days, Shepard has been communicating with me quite regularly, and received some … information that, at the moment, seem to have greatly affected him. As a close friend of his, do you see any changes in his daily behavior? Perhaps something that will detract him from carrying out his missions successfully?"

"Wellll... why don't you ask Kelly? She's your on-board psychologist, isn't she?" Joker answered, his left hand rubbing the back of his neck. _God, I hate to rat out on my best friend._ "Or Miranda. She's your right hand man – er, woman, right?"

The Illusive Man tapped his cigar on his ashtray, before replying, "Yeoman Chambers is not that close to the commander, and Officer Lawson – let's just say that there are reasons why she will probably be un-objective in her judgement. But you, Mr. Moreau, are one of his best friends who are not emotionally attached, so to speak."

Like a varren pouncing on a lame pyjack, Joker wasted no time in adding 2 and 2 together and getting 4. _"Emotionally attached?_ Oh, shit! You mean, the Ice Queen had a crush on Shepard? Gosh! This will make for some juicy watercooler discussions! Never expected —"

"Mr. Moreau!" The Illusive Man barked, already regretting the phrase he had used earlier, "Let's get back on topic, shall we?"

"Oh, right right...," Joker quickly changed the subject, not wanting to raise the ire of the Cerberus leader further. "Um, now that you mention it, yeah he's somewhat... I don't know... stressed out? Depressed? It's like he got this burden in his mind... He's not as chatty as he used to be... Oh, and Tali seems to be avoiding him... hey, you don't have something to do with them, do you? Maybe putting them in conflict to prevent Tali taking away Shepard from your cheer– um, Miranda? Gee, that's taking the low road, sir!"

The Illusive Man sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. If earlier he had regretted telling Joker about Miranda, now he totally lamented that. He tiredly lifted his hand to cut Joker's rambling.

"Mr. Moreau! Despite your very creative extrapolation of what had happened, it is truly beyond my interest on who Shepard will choose to be his mate. What matters to me are two things!"

The Illusive Man's outburst managed to interrupt Joker's train of thought and captured his attention.

"One. I – no, *all of us* – need Shepard to focus on the task at hand. And two, *all of us* need to stick together in this hour of great need. Now, a rift between Shepard and Miss Zorah is *unacceptable*, do you understand Mr. Moreau?"

Joker just nodded. "But... what can I do? I don't know what had happened..."

"Mr. Moreau, how I wish you'd sometimes use that amazingly creative mind of yours for something useful. You're their mutual best friend. At least get them at peace with each other."

"Uh, I don't know..."

"Have Mr. Vakarian assist you. And perhaps Yeoman Chambers. And I think you should not involve Officer Lawson. I'm sure at this point you already know why."

Joker smirked. "Yeah. Two girls fighting for the same commander? Blood will be spilt."

"Good to see you understand. Now go do your 'side mission', Mr. Moreau."

"Side mission, yeah. That means one more thing, sir," Joker added, grinning. "Will I get overtime pay for this? 'cause, you know, being a counselor is not exactly in my job desc—"

"Cerberus Command out."

·

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**A/N: **Okay! Why Joker instead of Shepard in this chapter? Basically, I cheated: I don't want to tell the story of how Shepard and Tali made up. That will happen back-stage.

And sorry if Joker's not in-character enough; it's hard to pin down a sarcastic character. For me, at least.

[RANT]  
It always irked me to no end when people dismiss the kindness Cerberus has shown to the crew *grrr* ... let's see: bigger ship = better accommodation for the crew. The pilot seat in genuine leather and properly padded, even Joker praised that chair! The much more powerful Hammerhead. Amazing armors for the commander. The *only* organization in the whole goddamn galaxy to actually *believe* and *support* Shepard. And don't forget: Bringing back Shepard from the dead, no matter the cost! And why didn't the Systems Alliance equip Joker with leg implants to enable him to walk without crutches? If that's not cruel, then Cerberus is outright an angelic organization!

Geez. People so easily put grey entities in a box, marking them either good (meaning: no matter what bad things you do, I'll forgive you for you're 'the good side'), or evil (meaning: no matter what kindness you've shown, you're still unforgiven because you're 'the baddies').  
[/RANT]

Whew. What a loooong A/N. And a short-ish chapter, sorry :-/ ... There are still more Shepard-TIM pow-wow going to happen in future – longer – chapters :)

**Next Up:** Shepard again takes the podium.

·

_**Edit 01:**__ Rewrite A/Ns. Fix decorations._


	5. Jack

**Translation Available! **My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: _**Объяснения и причины**_ ( Story ID 6525059 )

**Disclaimer:** The usual drill.

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 5: Jack**

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For several days, The Illusive Man heard nothing from Shepard. But he heard a *lot* from Joker, although the pilot's reports sound suspiciously similar to an ancient Earth-made move called _Mr. And Mrs. Smith._

Then again, The Illusive Man had not been in the dark about Normandy. Miranda had reported to him that they were going to visit Purgatory. That visit had took place two days ago, so he expected a call to come through any minute now. An alert popped up on his interface. _Shepard. Right on cue._ He tapped the 'Accept' button.

The image of the human commander flickered into existence in front of him. "Shepard. I trust you have recruited Jack."

Shepard, as usual, stood there in a military at-ease posture. His face was calm and collected. _Too calm,_ The Illusive Man thought, _like a calm before the storm._

"Yes, I have recruited Jack. The mission did not go as planned, though."

The Illusive Man nodded. "Warden Kuril's betrayal is regrettable, but not wholly unexpected. Glad you brought along the best with you, and didn't surrender your weapons."

Shepard nodded curtly.

"But I can see something bugging your mind, Shepard. Care to tell me about it?" The Illusive Man offered, while lighting a cigarette.

"About Jack."

Blowing some smoke nonchalantly, the Cerberus leader replied, "What about her?"

No longer able to control his emotions, the commander blew up, "Your experimentation on her and the rest of the children is horrific! Atrocious! How... how dare you do such evil on her? And don't tell me again 'it's for the good of humanity'; bullshit!"

The Illusive Man just scrutinized Shepard's face before continuing, "What else did she tell you?"

"You... you abducted her after birth, and ... and forced her to kill other children, for God's sake! What have gotten into you! Just to have the most powerful biotic in the galaxy? There *is* a time when... when the cost is just too high, when you're human but lost your humanity!"

The Illusive Man just frowned and tilted his head. Taking a drag from his cigarette, he answered, "That was not me, nor was it Cerberus."

"What? Not Cerberus? I don't know if I ever heard a bigger bullshit than that!"

"True, Shepard. Since you are obviously unaware of Cerberus' organization, let me explain to you.

"Even before the Alliance branded us as 'rogue terrorist organization'," The Illusive Man stressed the phrase using a pair of air-quotes, "we operate in cells. All cells have 'need to know' basis to prevent the failure of a cell from compromising other cells.

"We give them leeway. We support them with resources. And we expect results."

"What's that gotta do with your cruelty on Jack and her friends?" Shepard interrupted impatiently.

"I am getting to that, commander. You see, the beauty of this system of 'cells' is their immunity to whatever bad befelling another cell. But there is also the ugly side. Cells may go rogue, and go their own way."

Pointing his right index finger to the Cerberus leader, Shepard continued his tirade, "You mean you don't know what they've been doing? Crap, I say! You could've make a better lie!"

The Illusive Man just sit there silently taking another drag at his cigarette. He looked back pointedly at Shepard before replying with calm, calculated voice.

"We *did* know about them – let me talk first," he lifted his hand as he saw Shepard about to interrupt, "but when we found out what they did to the other children, we ordered them to stop. They disobeyed and cut off all communications with us. Attempts to infiltrate their base all ended with failure, and we dare not launch a full attack due to the children. Even a surgical infiltration was made impossible due to the extremely unfriendly vegetation on the planet."

"Why do I still find that hard to believe?" Shepard asked, skepticism dripping from his voice.

"Look, Shepard," The Illusive Man took a short drag on his cigarette, apparently becoming impatient himself. "I don't expect you to understand. You *never* had a child before. But *I* have," his voice increasing slightly.

"You *never* had happy memories of how happy one can be hugging a child! You *never* dreamed of seeing her grow up to be what she can be! You *never* felt your heart ripped apart when she was taken away before her time!"

To say that Shepard's taken aback would be an understatement. He never saw The Illusive Man lost his cool before. So he stayed silent.

The Cerberus leader sighed before continuing, "Excuse me for my ... outburst, Shepard. But I would never, ever, do what they have done. Even if such ... sacrifice will be of great value to humanity."

Shepard just nodded in silence. If The Illusive Man was acting, that was _one hell _of an act. But knowing The Illusive Man's past, he tend to believe that _that _was not an act.

"So, what did you do? Jack said there was a riot and she escaped."

"Yes, there was a riot when the children fought back. An emergency communication was sent to us. Several hours passed as we scrambled to provide shuttles and medical support. When we arrived, some children had already left the facility, including Jack. The rest we treated and returned to their families."

"Noble of you," Shepard commented curtly.

The Illusive Man again blew a copious amount of smoke into the air. "Not really. Which is better, Shepard: Have *one* super biotic and lost everything if she dies, or an army of adept biotics that not only can support each other in action, but many of them can cover lots of conflict points at the same time? We maintain good relations with the families whose children we brought back."

Shepard smirked. _The man's got a point, I'll have to admit._ "And the rogue cell? What happened to them?"

"They had been taken care of. That's all you need to know, Shepard."

Shepard nodded again. "And the result of their experiments? I have the feeling that you haven't destroyed them."

The Illusive Man took a deep drag on his cigarette, then answered pointedly, "Would you prefer we destroyed the results so that the children died for nothing?"

Shepard just scratched the back of his neck. For once, he couldn't think of a smart repartée to that question.

"Now, I'll provide you with a nice contrast. You do remember Lt. Kaidan Alenko, don't you?"

The commander felt a slight pang in his chest as he painfully remembered his friend who sacrificed his life on Virmire. "Yes."

"Good guy, that man. Even *I* mourn his passing," The Illusive Man fell silent for awhile. "He was enrolled to BAaT. Did he ever told you about life in BAaT?"

Shepard nodded. Kaidan had told him how he was taken away from his family, endured training that broke his mind and body, sometimes quite literally, and of the times of hunger and thirst he and his fellow trainees experienced.

The Illusive Man tapped his cigarette onto a nearby ashtray, took a drag, and continued, "BAaT was an exclusive Systems Alliance project, handled by an external private operator, and even allowed to use *mercenaries* as the trainers. Were their actions not atrocious? Or could it be because it's an *Alliance* project that they were given carte blanche to do anything without repercussions?"

Shepard just stood there silently. He didn't know what to say. He indeed had always thought of the Systems Alliance as the 'good guys', fighting Cerberus as the 'bad guys'. His worldview was crashing down, taking him down with it. He felt as if he was falling into a bottomless pit. He felt dizzy, nauseous, light-headed ...

The Illusive Man watched as Shepard started to sway. Discreetly he pressed a button, sending a signal across the galaxy to the Normandy.

·

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

·

Miranda was seething with anger. Not only did she have to put up with the insults from their newest recruit, Shepard also had overridden her objections of Jack accessing Cerberus database. And even The Illusive Man himself had provided the authorization on the rogue project Jack was in, thus totally countermanding her protestations.

But to put things worse, Shepard had flat out given her 'the cold shoulder', choosing to listen to Jack instead.

_Why is he more interested to that... psycho girl! And ... calling me a whore! Pot calling kettle black! And... Shepard... why you let her _*sob* _call me _*sob* _that... that..._

Miranda sobbed herself to exhaustion.

A couple of hours later, she woke up with a start when her omni-tool buzzed urgently. Noticing the message, she quickly wiped her face with a wet tissue and ran to the conference room. _Damn! I fell asleep!_

She entered the conference room just in time to catch Shepard as he fainted.

"Thank you for acting promptly, Officer Lawson. Please give Shepard the rest he needed. He just had lots of new revelations to process."

"Yes, sir," Miranda answered, gently laying Shepard on the floor. _He's too heavy to carry on my own._

"Ask Mr. Vakarian to help you, Officer Lawson. And if Jack's hostile towards you, please bear it for awhile. We need her, at least until we get rid of the Collectors, or the Reapers, for that matter."

"I see," Miranda answered halfheartedly. _Playing nice to Miss Psycho? Great. She had stolen Shepard for me, now I have to put up with her insults. Talking about heaping salt on an open wound._

As if reading her thoughts, The Illusive Man added, "And don't worry about Shepard and Jack. He was too taken by her… tales. He'll return to his old self quite soon enough. Cerberus Central out."

Miranda never ceased to admire how skillful the Cerberus leader was at guessing what went on in people's heads.

·

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

·

Shepard found himself lying on an operating table, eyes wide open. He tried to sit up, but found himself restrained on the table. He looked around and saw Anderson, Hackett, and Udina around the table, all grinning.

"He's been a pain in the side for the Alliance, hasn't he?" Udina spoke.

"Yes. Now he's in our hands, we can change that. Cerberus will fold up easily without him," Anderson added, with glee in his voice.

Shepard tried to speak, but no voice came out of his mouth. He felt as if something was grabbing his throat.

Hackett leaned over Shepard's face, and said maliciously, "The Systems Alliance has deemed you expendable, Shepard. And we have found the right person to replace you." The Admiral gestured his head toward Shepard's left.

Wide-eyed, and feeling panic setting in, Shepard turned his head to the left and saw… Kaidan Alenko.

"Hi, commander. Remember me?" Kaidan spoke cheerfully.

Shepard couldn't believe his eyes.

"Oh, just like you got rebuilt by Cerberus, I also got rebuilt. But by forces far more powerful than your puny organization. You see, the Alliance has found an ally that will ensure humanity's place in the galaxy," Kaidan spoke, smirking. Then he started to glow orange.

"_ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL_"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

·

Shepard woke up screaming, sweat pouring down his face, his shirt totally drenched. With wild eyes, he looked around him.

He was safe. He was in his quarters. He was on his bed. He was alone.

It took a couple of minutes before his heart stopped racing and his rapid breathing returned to normal.

_Last thing I remembered… I was talking with The Illusive Man…_

"EDI, who brought me to my quarters?"

"Officer Lawson and Mr. Vakarian did, commander. And there's a message for you from Cerberus Central," the ship's AI replied.

_Miranda._

Shepard went to the shower somewhat unsteadily. Not bothering to remove his sweat-drenched clothes, he turned on the cold water full blast. As he stood there under the torrent, slowly he regained full mental capacity. _Thanks for the actually decent showerhead._

Now fully awakened, Shepard left the shower and changed his soaked clothes with dry ones. _Still smelling of soap and detergent. And properly pressed and creased. Why didn't the Alliance see fit to put in a full laundry facility in their ships?_

He walked to the terminal and immediately opened the message marked "Very Urgent"

·

_From: Cerberus Central Command  
To: Commander Shepard  
Subject: Our discussion_

_Shepard,_

_Due to Jack's mental condition, I strongly suggest you not tell her of our discussion. Lest she will also mistrust you and you will then lose a strong biotic ally._

_But it *is* your call._

_Rgds,  
—_·  
_The Illusive Man_

·

Shepard closed the message and pondered for awhile. Making up his mind, he left his quarters for the XO's.

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**A/N:** Come on. Does anyone *really* think BAaT was far better than Pregia? I, for one, don't think so.

Okay, here's a recap of Shepard's character, just in case you're wondering:  
(1) Gender: Male  
(2) Psychological profile: Sole survivor  
(3) Paramour choice: Miranda  
(4) Pre-Service history: Spacer  
(5) Class: Soldier

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_**Edit #01:**__ Fixed many tense errors, and one plot error.  
**Edit #02:**__ Rewrite A/Ns. Fix spacers._


	6. Thomas Alva Edison

**A/N: Yes, I told you I was going to release a Jacob fic before this one, but I caught this dire affliction that's even more horrific than krogan genophage: writer's block. So, I published this first, hoping my muse will return from its AWOL.**

**So, here's chapter 6! Read *and* review, people :D**

**Disclaimer: yadda yadda yadda**

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 6: Thomas Alva Edison  
**

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He was tired.

Hell, he was beyond tired. Exhausted. Fatigued.

But no matter the amount of tossing and turning and sheep counting and slow 'relaxation' music he'd been listening, sleep was just reluctant to visit him that night.

The main reason why he couldn't sleep was some questions heavily weighing his mind after he saw Pragia and Aite. He needed to talk to The Illusive Man about them, but the Cerberus leader was not available.

He sighed.

He remembered back in the _Everest,_ if he had trouble getting to sleep, his mother would give him a glass of warm milk, and in no time he would embrace the world of dreams.

_Fat chance finding fresh milk on the Normandy,_ he thought.

So he decided on the second best solution: Raid Gardner's closet for some strong liquor.

·

He slipped into the galley unnoticed. Not that hard actually, the time being the dead man's hour, and the mess hall was totally void of any other living person.

After some rummaging in the galley's closets (he focused on the one with the sticker with the writing "Do not open! Sensitive Ingredients!" in Rupert's signature cursive writing), he stepped out of the galley with the spoils of his search in his hands: a bottle of Johnny Walker in his left hand and a clean glass in his right.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone greeted him en route to the elevator.

"Can't sleep, commander?"

"Um... yeah... seems like I'm not the only one though... and haven't I told you already about calling me Theo?" he replied to Miranda, who somehow managed to stealthily enter the mess hall and sat in the darkest corner.

"Yes, you have. I just want to remind you that you *are* the commanding officer of the ship, so you must give a good example to the crew. And as I see it, raiding the galley to get drunk *alone* is *not* a conduct becoming of a commander."

Shepard stood there dumbfounded like a deer caught in headlights for a good four or five seconds before noticing the teasing smirk on Miranda's face. He laughed.

"Let's get drunk *together*, then," he said, smiling as he slipped into the chair on Miranda's left.

Miranda smiled a genuine smile.

"And thank you for standing up for me, _commander._"

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"First, I want to apologize for having to destroy the Pragia facility."

The Illusive Man took a drag on his cigarette and expelled the smoke slowly. "Well, you *have* been a funding black hole ever since you died, Shepard. So I can't say I'm surprised," he said calmly, before adding, "I do mean that as a friendly jest, of course. What's the value of the Pragia facility if the Reapers succeeded in wiping out humanity? For what it's worth, having Jack as an ally is much more valuable."

Shepard nodded. "I also managed to salvage some logs, and I've received the intel report."

"And what did you find, commander?"

Shrugging, Shepard replied, "Mostly only information corroborating your story. Too bad Jack destroyed the terminals before we ever had the chance to copy the data."

"How unfortunate. Without evidence, it will be tough to win her over on Cerberus. Not that I blame her," The Illusive Man just replied nonchalantly.

"We also had a run-in with the Blood Pack."

For the first time, Shepard caught a glimpse of surprise on The Illusive Man's face, although only fleetingly.

"I see. They overran the defunct facility? Hmm. I thought our defense mechanisms are still working."

"They are. But they are taken over by the Blood Pack with the help of a former insider. Aresh. One of the former boys kept by Pragia."

The Illusive Man rubbed his chin. "Undoubtedly one of those who managed to leave the planet before we arrived. We still keep watch over the ones we brought back, and none of them ever went back to Pragia."

Shepard waited while the Cerberus leader sorted out some thoughts.

"This... Aresh character. Did he make it?"

"Yes. Jack let him go away."

"Good... hopefully Cerberus can contact him and help him recover."

Shepard furrowed his eyebrows. "You're not planning on abducting him, are you?"

"Of course not!" The Illusive Man looked quite surprised. "We just wanted to contact him and… offer him some psychological guidance. And if he's interested, a chance to maximize his biotic potential. I'm quite surprised you even thought of abducting him. I see we're quite similar in our renegade tendencies." He closed his words with a smirk.

Shepard just rubbed his neck, not knowing how to reply. So he decided to change the subject, "I am also concerned about your Project Overlord."

"Ah. The research cell at Aite. What about it?"

"You know, after your failures to turn the rachni and the Thorian creepers into weapons, why do you risk the same with geth?"

The Illusive Man scrutinized Shepard for awhile before replying, "Ever heard of Thomas Alva Edison, Shepard?"

Being the history buff that he was, Shepard admitted, "Yes. And I don't understand what he got to do with this."

The Illusive Man just continued, "When Mr. Edison tried to invent the incandescent lamp, he failed so much that someone criticized him as a failure. He replied, 'I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.'

"That quote is a parallel to what Cerberus's been doing. You have to admit, Shepard, that sooner or later, during a war — *if* we ever get ourselves involved in one — ground skirmishes *will* happen. People will die. Rather than wasting precious human resources, isn't it much wiser to actually employ proxies in our battles? After all, the aliens do that. Like krogans deploying varrens.

"We did made a mistake when handling the rachni. We never expected them to be so... feisty. But in our defense, information on them are *very* scarce. For reasons one can only guess, the Citadel Council see it fit to remove many knowledge about that species.

"As for the geth, we also underestimated how their AI can evolve — undergoing genetic programming modification — to overcome our safety protocols. Of course, the Citadel Council's general ban on AI research and development doesn't help; even humanity's most cutting-edge AI research is decades — if not centuries — behind the sophistication of geth AI. The 'Alliance-blessed' projects that is."

Shepard pondered The Illusive Man's word for awhile. "You mean like the 'Hannibal' VI on Luna, a couple of years ago? Wait — you didn't have anything to do with that VI's gaining sentience, did you? The Alliance said that the incident was due to sabotage."

"No, we had *nothing* to do with that incident. Except that we're practically the fall guy for nearly every misstep and stupidity that the Alliance committed," The Illusive Man explained, disgust clearly heard in his voice. The commander can guess why.

"Alright. So, based on the utter failure of Project Overlord, I guess Cerberus learned its lesson now?" Shepard couldn't help but smirked.

The Illusive Man just sat there calmly, and puffed. "Yes, we learnt a great deal. We will never, however," he stressed his words by pointing his cigarette to Shepard, "stop our endeavors of acquiring greater knowledge of the galaxy's unknowns."

Shepard couldn't help but shook his head. "And expecting me to 'come to your aid' when things get out of hand, I bet."

"There's that, yes," the Cerberus leader admitted. "But the truth is, we're getting better after each failure."

Shepard shook his head. "To me, that looks like a whole lot of money lost."

The Illusive Man raised an eyebrow. "They are all pocket change, Shepard. Do you know what's our most expensive project which hasn't produced any results yet? It is you."

"What do you mean?"

The Illusive Man nonchalantly puffed again. "When Lazarus Cell began, many questioned our sanity. No one has ever brought back a person from death. We proved them wrong, although at great cost. Four billion credits, the loss of the Lazarus research station — not your fault nor your doing, of course — and the loss of many of humanity's best and brightest when Wilson betrayed us all.

"Then we prepared a powerful new vehicle for you, yet more billions poured. The production costs for a one-of-a-kind ship can not be amortized over its successive vessels. And learning from all the drawbacks of SR-1 — be it from a technical aspect or crew-support aspect — necessitates more funding for R&D.

"We scoured the galaxy for the best people to join your team. Yet more credits spent. And some of your team members, we hire. Also all the new weapons and armors that we send from time to time, at great cost due to having to find where you are.

"Yet, what are the results? We do not know yet. The Collectors are still not neutralized, and the Reapers are waiting somewhere out there."

Shepard interrupted. "Now, look here! You expect me to just go through the Omega-4 Relay without preparing? I'm not out of my mind, thank you!" he said, voice slightly rising, while looking visibly irritated.

The Illusive Man raised his right hand to calm down the commander. "Don't misunderstood me, Shepard. I'm *not* criticizing your performance. For what it's worth, you have been consistently exceeding all my expectations. But the end result of Lazarus Cell is still undetermined, yet. Your preparations *will* help increase the probability of success, but the jury's still out at this moment."

Shepard nodded, calming down a bit.

The Illusive Man crushed his cigarette on a nearby ashtray. "Before we close this discussion, I'd like to ask you a slightly off topic subject: I heard from Officer Lawson that she... had an argument with Jack?"

"To call that an argument, is to call Normandy a small fighter vessel," Shepard scoffed.

"I see," The Illusive Man nodded. "Well, Shepard, I hate to stress this to you, but if you want to ensure your mission's success, somehow you've got to regain Jack's loyalty. But," he paused for awhile, "do not lie to her about your relationship with Officer Lawson. Cerberus command out."

The Illusive Man's image flickered off.

Shepard left the room, his burden partially lifted, only to be replaced with another.

_I have no regret standing by Miranda's side, and I won't be dishonest of how I feel. But how the heck will I get back on good terms with Jack?_

He stood there in the doorway of the conference room before making up his mind and left for the engineering room.

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**A/N:** Yeah, I'm experimenting with a long intro. The chapter titles starting from this chapter will also be 'kind of' proverbial, instead of referring explicitly on the chapter's contents. I hope you like these changes :)

The "Lair of the Shadow Broker" (LotSB) DLC is a treasure trove of juicy tidbits that will make for great wit match between TIM and Shepard. I am planning to put those tidbits in the post-LotSB 'dialogue' within the next 2 or 3 chapters. Stay tuned! :)

And before you go, "OHNOEZ!1! SHEPERD IS BUDDY-BUDDY WIT TEH ILUSSIF MAN!1!eleven", let me explain: at this point, based on the (selective) information TIM has provided, Cerberus in not that far worse than Alliance. Or, to be more precise, the Alliance is not that far better than Cerberus. And based on LotSB, Cerberus was **not** involved with the VI incident at Luna.

Next chapter is already in the pipeline; let's see if I can finish it in 2 days. In the meantime... **read & review**, people! :D

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	7. Of Feelings

**A/N: Had originally planned on doing a 'battle of wits and excuses', but did an about face and wrote this one instead. That's why this chapter is delayed for one day. Read A/N at the end for more info.**

**Without further ado, I present you with: Chapter Seven! Read & review, people :)**

**Disclaimer: *sigh***

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 7: Of Feelings  
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The past two weeks had just been a royal pain-in-the-back-end for Shepard.

First of all, he agreed to commit robbery with Kasumi. No matter that Hock had acquired the graybox through... dubious means. Whatever he did could be solidly classified as grand larceny.

Next, he had to accompany Jacob to Aeia. Needless to say, what Ronald did there left a really bad taste in his mouth. The personal email he received from Leslie did reduce that taste somewhat, plus an additional appreciation for Cerberus who 'supported' the Alliance's rescue mission.

Right after that, Grunt started having 'coming of age pains'. To prevent grievous harm to the Normandy, Shepard had ordered an urgent visit to Tuchanka, where he had gallantly — and, upon hindsight, quite stupidly/recklessly — stepped up to be Grunt's krantt. And faced a Thresher Maw. Never mind that he and his team had reduced the beast to steak-sized meat (which, he was sure, will be gracing the food tables of the Urdnot clan for weeks), facing that monster brought up memories of Akuze. And of The Illusive Man's explanations.

Then, they had juuust entered the Normandy when EDI told them that Zaeed was very near to attempting to hijack the vessel and bring it to Zorya, claiming that the 'target' of his active contract will leave soon and this would be the best chance to finish it up. Only later did Shepard found out that this was not just any contract, but Zaeed's personal vendetta against Vido.

But the cherry on top was Zaeed's irresponsible action of putting the lives of innocents in the line of harm. Back in the Normandy, Shepard had delivered a piece of his mind (via his fists) to Zaeed.

So, no one can blame him for sulking when he entered the Communications Room to talk with The Illusive Man.

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"Having a bad day, Shepard?" The Illusive Man asked, always impeccably polite.

Shepard huffed. "You can say that again. Do you have to hire the craziest people in the galaxy? First, Jack, now, Zaeed."

"You did say you need the best."

Shepard sighed. "Yeah, I did, didn't I?"

"Well, anyways Shepard, thank you for saving the lives of the workers at Zorya," said The Illusive Man, raising a glass of bourbon in his right hand. "No need to give more 'evidences' for the Alliance to brand us as 'terrorist organization'."

"Um, okay. You're welcome. I guess," Shepard replied. He's not really sure if he's happy to 'sing the praise of Cerberus', but then again he just can't bring himself to sacrifice innocents.

"I see you also helped Ms. Goto in acquiring her partner's graybox," said The Illusive Man. "Did you destroy that graybox, or did you let her keep it?"

Shepard was perplexed. "Destroying it? Why should I?"

"Because there *is* some information there that might be *very* incriminating for the Alliance," the Cerberus leader explained, putting down his glass on a table nearby. "Had the graybox fallen into the hands of the Shadow Broker, the consequences will be very severe."

Shepard scoffed, "And you think Cerberus would be the better steward, I guess. Well, I won't be giving it to you. I don't think I want to hand you something with which to blackmail the Alliance."

"Oh, I don't need that graybox, Shepard," The Illusive Man replied calmly, lighting up a cigarette. "I already know what's in it. We have our informants, you know.

"All I'm saying is that you — and Ms. Goto — must guard that box really carefully. And when she's done with her grieving, perhaps you can ask her to show those... evidences I said earlier. Would be a great eye-opener for you Shepard. See for yourself what the Alliance are capable of doing."

Shepard made a mental note to actually do that. Despite him still mistrusting Cerberus somewhat, what The Illusive Man had said to him intrigued him greatly.

"We are also in the process of repatriating the Hugo Gernsback survivors. Some of them require intensive neuro-reconstruction. We managed to apply some nanotechniques we learnt during the Lazarus Project, and all are progressing well."

Shepar perked up. "Thanks. That's good news I guess. Although I did find it quite... unexpected that the Alliance had a truce with Cerberus regarding them."

"Like I had said in one of our earlier conversations, Shepard: The Alliance *used* Cerberus whenever they see fit. Of course the credits all will go to the Alliance," The Illusive Man replied bitterly, dragging deep on his cigarette. "I can see it plastered on their propaganda channels: 'The Cavalry has arrived!' If it was not for *our* reconnaissance team, they would never even find the position of the Hugo Gernsback. Not that the Alliance should have abandoned the Hugo Gernsback in the first place. "

Shepard nodded. "Speaking of which, why did you reprimand Miranda, then? After all, it's for the good of everyone for the Hugo Gernsback to be found."

The Illusive Man puffed a copious amount of smoke as he considered his reply. "I was still weighing if it would not be better if *our* own team handled the issue. Further, I wished to spare Officer Taylor from what might be found."

"You mean, you already knew what happened there?" Shepard stared at the Cerberus Leader incredulously.

"Partially, yes. We visited the crash site to determine that it is indeed the long-lost Hugo Gernsback. We also copied the logs, and were considering the proper course of action when you arrived and 'invited' the Alliance to come."

"I see. And what plans have you come up for the deranged crew? Make them into weapons?"

The Illusive Man ignored Shepard's derision. "If Cerberus saved them *and* returned them to their families, there will be forever indebted to us. They have proved their resilience, and would make good recruits."

Shepard smirked. "You mean, manipulating them to be your lackeys."

"You got it wrong there, Shepard," The Illusive Man calmly tapped his cigarette onto an ashtray. "They are free to join, or not. Even if they won't join, having sympathizers will be a great boost for Cerberus."

"You expect me to believe they will voluntarily join Cerberus?"

The Illusive Man just shrugged. "For an answer to that question, go talk to Officer Taylor *and* Mess Sergeant Gardner. You'll be surprised."

Shepard made another mental note to talk to the two men. "Alright. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. For now. What happened to Ronald Taylor?"

"Apparently he committed suicide, and then his corpse was impaled on a pole. I wouldn't tell Officer Taylor about the latter part, if I were you. Grisly sight. Let the man focus on your mission."

"I see," Shepard concurred. "I do wish you didn't go too hard on Miranda."

"Don't worry about that, Shepard. Officer Lawson accepted her reprimanding. She's a grown-up woman, after all. She had a... past history with Jacob. Don't let your feelings for her cloud the fact that she did indeed violate protocols, and need to be reprimanded. She had given me her words that similar transgressions would not happen again."

"Miranda was involved with Jacob?" somehow Shepard felt slight pang of... jealousy? _Naah... why should I be jealous? I don't love her... okay, I cared for her but... am I falling in love with her?_

"They are over, Shepard. No need be jealous of him," said The Illusive Man, again showing off his uncanny ability of reading people. "I do have to remind you that although I have *no* qualms of any relation you have with Officer Lawson, do not let your feelings for her affect your mission negatively. If anything, make it one of your motivations to do this mission well — and come back from it alive. The both of you."

"I am not in any relationship..." Shepard let his voice trail off. _No relationship? What about all those emotions I felt when I'm near her? Being happy and warm inside whenever she flashed a genuine smile... for me?_

"You may want to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ms. Tali'Zorah, though. Yeoman Chambers told me she's... infatuated with you. Talk to her gently. As to how, I do not know. Ask Yeoman Chambers, she's the psychologist, not me."

Shepard started to feel uncomfortable. Yes, he *had* his... experiences with women before. But not like this. Totally not like this. Not wanting to keep treading down that queasiness-inducing path, he changed the subject. "Oh, I'd also like to thank you for the Kestrel armor."

"You like it, I presume?"

"Yes, it was a great help when I faced the Thresher Maw."

"Ah, your escapades at sunny Tuchanka," The Illusive Man nodded, tapping his cigarette. "The engineers who designed the armor set are still arguing whether the Kestrel is best used as components or as a complete set. Maybe you'd like to give your opinion of the Kestrel to them?"

"That would be nice. Also I'd like to extend a personal thanks for such a great armor."

"You can contact them via Officer Lawson. She's been sending all weapons and armor telemetries to them. They would be happy to see its performance in... unconventional situations, and to hear an opinion of it from one that can use it effectively."

Shepard nodded. "Thanks. Will do." _An excuse to talk with Miranda, that would nice... hey, why am I so happy just to have an excuse to talk to her?_

"If you don't have anything more to say, then would you excuse me, Shepard? I got a skyball appointment. I'd like to see if I can score my third perfect game," The Illusive Man said nonchalantly while crushing his cigarette.

Shepard was surprised, and rather pleasantly. "You play skyball?"

"Oh yes. Quite well for an amateur, actually. I'm also somewhat well-acquainted with Ms. Brooke Karrigar, the skyball champion. Maybe when the galaxy is safe again, you and I could play together."

Shepard chuckled. "We'll see about that. I got nothing more today. See you later."

"Of course. Cerberus Command out."

As Shepard left the Comm room, he considered his course of action, and decided to visit Gardner.

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**A/N:** Oh. My. God. I am *so* going to be drawn and quartered by the talimance fans xD … For my defense, let the records show that I *am* a talimancer in-game :P

Now some explanations:  
● The Kestrel armor *is* available right from the start, if you get the Digital Deluxe edition. Let's assume that *that* is not the case, for story purposes. Besides, the email from the Illusive Man kind of insinuated that some time had passed between Shepard's starting the missions and receiving the Kestrel armor set.  
● I don't have the slightest idea how the ME game of "skyball" is played. Just wanting to put in some references to the dossiers on LoTSB DLC. And TIM is quite a womanizer :P  
● About Aeia: It's a garden planet. Thus, very good for colonization. In fact, that's why the Hugo Gersnback was sent there. So, why did the Alliance abandon the Hugo? I still can't wrap that thought around my head.  
● If you want some tension between Shep & TIM re: Adm. Kohaku, husk release (ME1), etc… wait for the upcoming chapters, please :)

Okay. Now, **read & review**, people :D

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	8. Flashbacks

**A/N:** Whew! Finally this chapter is finished! Lots of flashbacks here. Long and heavy chapter. You might get severe emotional whiplash by the time you finished reading. You've been warned.

Also, some **important info** in the post-chapter A/N. Please **read** it. And don't forget to leave a **review** ;)

**Disclaimer:** After 7 chapters published, must I still write that BioWare owns the whole ME universe and the characters within? :)

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 8: Flashbacks  
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Shepard entered the airlock looking very tired. His meeting Anderson did not exactly happen the way he had expected. Despite what Anderson wrote in his email, the human-led council refused to meet with him, and he didn't get his Spectre status reinstated. The latter didn't matter much to him; as a Cerberus operative he's already outside the known law. But the former... that disturbed him greatly.

The silver lining would be that he managed to successfully wrap up a very important mission though while at the Citadel: Procuring the highest quality ingredients for Mess Sergeant Gardner.

Despite his tiredness, he still managed a smile as he recalled the conversation with Rupert the night before they docked at the Citadel.

— — — ·

From the Comm room, he had gone directly to the mess hall looking for Gardner. He found him looking kind of upset in the galley.

"Hey, Gardner. What's with the long face?"

"Oh! Hi, commander. Well, it seems some unscrupulous crew had managed to get his filthy hands on my personal stash of liquor. Why, that little sonofagun! Wait till I can get my hands on that tyke!" Gardner explained, while punching his right hand on his left palm.

"Um..." Shepard suddenly got real uncomfortable. But, he's a manly man, dammit! So he owns up to his prior transgression. "Need any help finding the perpetrator?"

"Oh, I had planned to use the ship's comm system to tell everyone that the liquor bottle has already expired, and may induce food poisoning. Tricking that tyke to come to Chakwas and then," Gardner again slammed his fist on his left palm. "He'll think twice before he ever thunk of stealin' from ol' Rupert Gardner again!"

_Is it just me or is it getting hot here in the galley?_ Shepard subconsciously tugged at his collar, in a futile act to both alleviate that hot feeling, and to hide his guilty feeling from Gardner.

No go. Gardner looked at Shepard suspiciously and asked, "Do you have any part in this grand larceny, commander?"

Shepard sighed. Sooner or later Gardner will found out. So he confessed. "I took your drink. I'm very sorry. I promise to replace it. With interest."

Quite unexpectedly, Gardner expression changed from one of anger to amusement. Tapping the commander's shoulder, smiling, he said, "Ah, it's alright, commander. You own up to your mistake, and I admire that. No need for 'interest'. Just help me out would you?"

Shepard felt glad. "Anything to make up for my wrongdoing. What would you like me to do?"

"Well, I am *aware* that the crew have been... complaining of my cooking. What can I do? We've run out of fresh supplies and ingredients. Next time we dock at Citadel, there are several... hard-to-get ingredients I'd like you to help me find, commander. I may be busy buying fresh produce and meat and dextro-stuff for Garrus and Tali, so an additional pair of hands would be greatly appreciated."

Smiling, Shepard replied, "Consider it done. Now that we're on good terms again, there's something I want to talk with you about."

"We're never on bad terms, commander," Gardner laughed. "Now what is it that I, a lowly handyman, can do for you, commander?"

Shepard chuckled. "You're a handyman but *definitely* not lowly. It's about Cerberus. Specifically, why you joined Cerberus."

"Hmmm," Gardner pondered for awhile. "Long story. Why don't you find yourself a seat on the mess hall table, and I'll fix us up some coffee?"

Shepard dutifully waited for Gardner, who came bringing two cups of navy-spec coffee. His story was... eye-opening.

— — — ·

"Something bothering you, Shepard?"

Miranda's voice snapped Shepard back into reality. "Huh? Oh, nothing Miranda. Just... daydreaming."

"No need for daydreaming. She's right beside you, Shepard," Garrus quipped. And not wisely, one must say, for immediately he was rewarded with an icy-cold stare from the XO. Suddenly Garrus found the elevator buttons very interesting.

Shepard chuckled. Garrus had been and always will be his good pal, ribbing him gently when he's feeling down, just to elicit some laugh from him. Although he wondered if telling Garrus about his newly-realized... feelings for Miranda was a wise thing to do.

— — — ·

After talking with Gardner, Shepard decided to pay his pal, Garrus, a visit.

Finding him, as usual, doing calibrations in the Main Battery room, Shepard greeted, "Hi Garrus. You know, sometimes I wonder why you like to do mind-numbing calibrations all the time."

"Hi, Shepard. Well, since this vessel is undoubtedly first in it class, the tolerances are sometimes too big for my liking. We don't want to be caught unaware like..." Garrus let his voice trail off.

_The first Normandy._ Shepard finished Garrus' sentence in his head. Shepard can understand why his pal don't want to say that out loud. Too many painful memories. They stood there watching the terminals silently for awhile.

"Besides, the blinkenlichten are mesmerizing. Nice for meditation," Garrus added, breaking the silence, his mandibles flaring slightly in that turian smirk of his.

Shepard laughed. "Now, don't get addicted to... blinkenlichten? Gee, I don't know you're well-versed in ancient human meme."

Garrus just shrugged. "That meme just reached Palaven. I got it forwarded from my brother. Very amusing, actually. I have to admit, humans are truly creative."

Now that the heavy air had been lifted, Shepard decided to go forward with what he wanted to do.

"Garrus, I think I have a... feeling for Miranda."

Shepard could swore that he saw Garrus went wide-eyed when he said that. Not that biologically that was possible.

"The Ice Queen?" Garrus exclaimed disbelievingly.

"Don't laugh. She was my first vision when I ... got back from being dead."

"We have to sit and talk," Garrus said, gesturing to a pair of crates.

They sat down and talked.

— — — ·

After delivering the ingredients to a very happy-looking Gardner (no doubt also because despite what Gardner had said before, Shepard brought him also a bottle of XO Cognac), Shepard slumped into a chair in the mess hall.

"Exhausted, Theo?" Miranda asked, sitting beside him, concern clearly showing on her face.

Shepard smiled. He liked it whenever Miranda used his first name. His stomach felt... aflutter. Like swallowing a butterfly.

"The council shouldn't have cold-shouldered you. But I... I mean Cerberus, will stand beside you. Even if that means our last stand." Miranda berated herself for that slip.

Shepard's smile widened. "Thanks Miranda. If there's anyone I am glad to be standing to the end with, it's gotta be you," he blurted out.

CO and XO both sat there thunderstruck at what they have said.

"Uh, I'm gonna take a shower. Prepare a comm with The Illusive Man...?"

"Right. Right. In one hour?"

"Right. One hour. Yeah. Um, now, excuse me?" Shepard said, standing so quickly from his chair it almost toppled over, and walked away.

"Uh, Theo, the elevator is that way," Miranda gestured with her thumb, pointing opposite where Shepard was headed.

"Oh, right... okay. Elevator. Right. Well, see you later then..." said Shepard, hurriedly walking to the elevator.

As Shepard entered the elevator, Miranda chuckled to herself.

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"I talked to Gardner. He corroborated your statement."

The Illusive Man just nodded. "But I see something is weighing your mind badly, commander."

Shepard mulled his words for a moment. "We went to the Citadel."

"Yes, I have heard. The Council seemed to be ... reluctant in re-instating your Spectre status. Not that you'll be needing that, of course."

Ignoring The Illusive Man's words, Shepard continued. "I talked to Anderson."

The Illusive Man just sat there, puffing on his smoke, waiting for Shepard to continue.

"Naturally, he did not admit the Alliance's involvement in Akuze. But he reminded me of other incidents."

"Such as?" The Illusive Man asked, while offhandedly tapping his cigarette onto an ashtray.

As Shepard recounted his meeting with Anderson, his mind relived that what took place in Anderson's office...

— — — ·

"Please, sir. I need some answers."

The admiral slumped into his chair and began to massage his forehead.

"Look, Shepard. I know you might feel indebted to Cerberus for getting you back. But to trust The Illusive Man?"

"Sir, I know that we have been told that Cerberus is a terrorist organization. But the fact is that *they* are the only one who trusted me without reservation, to the point of resurrecting me, giving me a new and admittedly better ship, and even went to the trouble of providing me with the best crew and equipment the galaxy has ever seen."

"Yes, but..."

"No 'buts' and 'ifs', sir. With all due respect," Shepard leaned forward, resting his hands on Anderson's desk. "Could you please, sir, tell me if the Alliance had nothing to do with what happened at Akuze?"

Anderson sighed and looked out the window. He just... couldn't bring himself to look at the commander's eyes as he replied. "I... don't know if the Alliance had any... involvement. There were talks on the grapevine..." he let his voice trail off.

Shepard resumed his at-ease posture, calmly bringing his hands together behind his back. "I see."

"Look, Shepard," Anderson turned his head, some exasperation in his voice. "I don't blame you for wanting closure -"

"Something the Alliance never attempted to offer me, for your information, sir," Shepard interrupted.

Anderson threw his hands up in the air. "Alright! So the Alliance fucked up! That still doesn't absolve Cerberus for what they did to Admiral Kahoku! Or their... their atrocity of releasing husks onto the unsuspecting people at Chasca! What does your Illusive Man have to say about those!"

— — — ·

"Let me begin with Rear Admiral Kahoku, then, Shepard," said The Illusive Man, tapping his cigarette again. "First of all, let me ask you some questions:

"One, is it natural for an *admiral* to be so concerned of a team of low-ranking marines? We're talking of a team whose leader is not higher than a lieutenant here.

"Two, as I recall, Admiral Kahoku employed the service of the Shadow Broker. That is not an inexpensive service. But even if the Admiral had the means for acquiring such service, why did he not use the Alliance's intelligence network? As far as I know, ever since the Alliance got inducted into the Citadel, significant coöperative intel efforts had took place between the Alliance and the STG.

"And three, does the name Armistan Banes ring a bell for you?"

"I have to admit, your first two points doesn't make a lot of sense to me, either. As to Banes, I had heard about him several times back in the citadel. What about him?"

The Illusive Man took a deep drag on his cigarette, and exhaled the smoke slowly, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular.

"He was an Alliance special-ops in charge of clandestine weapons logistics. Or, to put it bluntly, arms smuggling."

"Arms smuggling? To where?"

"Batarian space. And the Citadel."

"What? The Citadel? What for?"

"Does it really surprise you, Shepard? Didn't you learn in the marine academy that when possible, weapons and ammunitions should be cached as near as possible to the battlefield?"

"You mean... the Citadel is a target of operation for the Alliance."

"Was, definitely. Is, I am not really sure. Especially now that the Alliance fleet is the de facto guards of the Citadel."

Shepard shook his head. "Suppose what you say is true, what's he got to do with Kahoku?"

The Illusive Man took another puff before answering, "I am surprised you asked me that, Shepard. Wasn't it you who found what happened to the lost marines?"

"They were very likely devoured by the Thresher Maw after..." Shepard let his voice trail off as his mind started to piece together the jumbled pieces of the puzzle.

"After they *claimed* to have found the body of Banes in a vessel *claimed* to be drifting aimlessly in the Sparta system. What a coincidence. The one person who practically knew the details of the arms smuggling found dead, then the marines went missing, and an admiral is greatly distressed."

"Wait... What are you trying to suggest here? Wasn't it Cerberus that assassinated Banes?"

"Trust me, Shepard, if I told you that for Cerberus to take over the Citadel would be relatively easy. If anything, we would be very interested in having such an arms cache on the Citadel. Does it sound too far-fetched if I say that the marines 'extracted' information from Banes, dispose of him, and then planned to misuse that cache for themselves?"

"Like blackmailing the Alliance, for instance?"

"Or selling the weapons to the highest bidder, for that matter."

Shepard dropped his gaze. His marine brain was screaming _outrageous! That's traitorous! _Bur his analytical brain admitted that *that* was, however unlikely, still very plausible.

"So we took care of them," The Illusive Man added nonchalantly. "And what happened afterward, was Kahoku getting riled up because he thought his men had 'split with the loot', so to speak, while his buyers were getting... agitated."

"So, that's why he went to find Cerberus himself."

"Yes, he wanted to give us a slice of his profit. So much so that he took it as a personal endeavor. Tell me, Shepard, if the Alliance is not complicit, then why the press release would say that Admiral Kahoku died of 'natural cause'?" said The Illusive Man, his fingers making air-quotes around the last two words.

"Still, why did you kill him?"

"We brought him to Binthu to show him our research on Thorian Creepers and rachni soldiers. What happened was regrettable, but not unforeseen," explained The Illusive Man as he recounted what happened.

— — — ·

Rear Admiral Kahoku stood transfixed at The Illusive Man's holographic projection.

"As you can see, admiral, we have no need of your spare change. We are self-sufficient as of now. And even offering half of your cache, albeit interesting, is also totally unnecessary as we are on the verge of creating biological supersoldiers," said the Cerberus leader. "The question, therefore, would be this: There is something we'd like you to do before we will let you go, while keeping our mouth shut about your side projects."

Kahoku stood there in silence. "So, what do you want of me?"

"Very simple, admiral. We'd like you to be our 'sleeper agent' in the Systems Alliance."

"I... you mean, betraying the Alliance?" Kahoku asked, quite surprised.

"Now, admiral. What you have done is already classified as treason. What difference will working with Cerberus make?"

"I... I need time to think..."

"Very well. I'll contact you again in 15 minutes," The Illusive Man said as he cut off the communications link.

Fifteen minutes later, as The Illusive Man prepared to resume the comms link, a message marked EXTREMELY URGENT popped up on his terminal.

·

_From: Project Hercules, Alexander Cell  
To: Cerberus Central Command_

_Sir,  
We found Rear Admiral Kahoku has committed suicide. Apparently the admiral broke into the medical cabinet in the office and injected himself with a lethal dose of digitalis, with the effect of giving him a massive heart attack._

·

The Illusive Man sighed, then typed a response:

·

_From: Cerberus Central Command  
To: Project Hercules_

_Acknowledged. Dispose of his corpse properly._

— — — ·

"So you decided to feed his body to the rachni and Thorian Creepers? That's sick!" Shepard exclaimed with disgust showing on his face.

"As controversial as that decision was, it was not mine, Shepard," The Illusive Man spoke while lighting another cigarette. "We *do* have the means of disposing bodies so that no one will ever recover them. But in the admiral's case, apparently they used the body to test whether they have successfully culled the scavenging tendencies of the supersoldiers."

"That's a fantastic tall-tale you got there," Shepard scoffed.

"You may find that hard to believe, Shepard. But that's what happened," The Illusive Man replied, then took a sip from a glass of bourbon.

"What about the husks on Chasca? Another experiment gone wrong?" Shepard scoffed.

"Yes. We had a project there, under the guise of 'pioneer colonists'. Its mission was to study how the 'dragon's teeth' work. We had misjudged the teeth's ability to perform indoctrination. Thankfully we have made a precaution to perform the experiment on a newly colonized planet."

"You mean everyone there are Cerberus operatives? Bullshit! I know some of them are Alliance scientists preparing the planet for massive colonization!"

"Not all of them, Shepard. Just some. And the Alliance *was* also complicit in this incident," The Illusive Man replied, taking another sip from his glass.

"The Alliance? What do they got to do with this?"

The Cerberus leader took a long drag on his cigarette. While leisurely puffing the smoke into the air, he launched into a long explanation.

"Did you not find it... intriguing, that a pioneer team losing contact with the Alliance got ignored, while on Earth a massive colonist recruiting drive was taking place?

"Suppose the Alliance launched a massive recon mission; will not the billions upon billions of credit they received from would-be colonizer need to be reimbursed to those who had paid to be part of the new colony?

"And finally, how many news stories have you seen about Chasca? Did they mention anything about the husks? Or Cerberus?"

Shepard zoned out for awhile. It seemed like everytime he confronted The Illusive Man, he got flooded with new revelations. Revelations that ruthlessly tore down his simple, comforting black-and-white view of the galaxy. Of the Alliance. Of Cerberus.

Again, his heart blatantly refused to accept what he feared was the cold, hard, truth. Yet his mind unrelentingly told him to leave his comfort zone and embrace the facts.

The Illusive Man just sat there in silence as he observed the commander struggling with his inner emotions. "Face it Shepard. There has never been a definite line separating black and white in the history of humanity. Or even in the galaxy. There are only shades of gray. Has been that way, will stay that way when the last of the stars emit their dying gasps.

"The Alliance, the Citadel Council, the Turian Hierarchy, the Migrant Fleet, the Asari Republics, and undoubtedly Cerberus. All have their moments of weaknesses. All have dallied with the darkness.

"But all of them also have their finest moments. History has vindicated them. And history will also vindicate us.

"Cerberus is ruthless. I have to admit that. But then again, so do other races in the galaxy. What we did was necessary, if not to ensure humanity's place among the stars, it is to ensure that humanity will not only survive, but will never ever kneel down in submission to other races."

Shepard bit his lower lip, trying hard to check his emotions. He wanted to say something, to rebuff, or at least respond to what The Illusive Man had just said. But words fail him.

Untold miles from the Normandy, The Illusive Man stood up from his seat, and walked toward the wall displaying the star. It was currently displaying a mix of blue and red maelstrom of chaotic gas. The holographic scanner tracked his movement, and on the other end of the QED comm-line, Shepard saw the Cerberus leader leaving his chair and standing with his face away from him, looking at something that the holographic image did not show.

"Shepard," The Illusive Man broke the silence softly. "I don't expect you to understand. You haven't seen even a slice of what I *have* seen. There are dangers out there. What we're doing is to give humanity a fighting chance to survive. But survival comes with a cost."

Shepard nodded. He finally found the strength to weakly say, "I see."

The Cerberus leader turned around and walked to his chair. Still standing, he stood behind his chair, resting his left hand on its back.

"I think that would be enough for now. Give yourself time to think through everything I've told you, Shepard."

"I will."

"Good. Have some rest, Shepard. You're going to need it. Good night. Cerberus Command out."

As the holo-image of the Cerberus leader flickered out and the comm room lighted up again, Shepard subconsciously whispered.

"Good night. _Sir._"

·

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**A/N:** Thus begins Shepard's ascent into Cerberus. Or descent, if you want.

I did warn you that this is a long chapter, didn't I? Whew! 4000 words! This gotta be my magnum chapter! Never done something as long as this before, and might not again.

Andddd... we're getting closer to the Omega-4 relay. I'm still open for suggestions on the topics for the next chapters. If there are any 'loose ends' you want me to tie up *before* we reach the Omega-4 relay, send me a suggestion via review or PM :)

**Up next:** Collector's vessel, Tali's trial, Garrus' vengeance, Thane's kid, Mordin's protegé, Samara's daughter, and doodads! Not necessarily in that order. Nor will all of them be in one chapter, for that matter :)

**An important note on LotSB:** Based on LotSB DLC developers' comments, they kinda 'imagined' LotSB to take place *after* the Suicide Mission. So, the planned 'epic showdown of TIM and Shepard' will take place a lot later. Damn. I had been writing that chapter :(

**One question still bugging me:** If Cerberus is a 'well-known human-supremacist terrorist organization', how the heck can Normandy be allowed to dock at the Citadel? Or the crews swaggering around proudly wearing Cerberus logo on their outfit?

Finally, do you think I should post this story on **BSN**? I have been leaving pointers to this story on **MEwiki**, should I just do the same at BSN?

Alrighty, leave me your **review**, people! Lemme know what y'all think! :D

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	9. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

**A/N: Sorry for the late update. I had been busy writing "Gardner's Sonata". I also had to rack my brain on how to put in the post-Collector-ship discussion. Those, and lots of hecticity at office.**

**Very unimportant trivia: Belive it or not, I actually typed my stories using the Nokia E72-1. It's an amazing produtivity machine :) ... I only use Word 2010 to polish up before publishing.**

**Disclaimers:**

**1. If I — and not BioWare — own Mass Effect, the Mass Effect universe, and the characters within, then I would definitely *not* be writing this fanfic.**

**2. I am not affiliated with Nokia or any of its distribution channels. So the above trivia is purely my public statement of my satisfaction with my smartphone :)**

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* * *

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·||·

**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 9: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions  
**

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_Shepard (S): "It was a trap! You sold us out!"_

_The Illusive Man (TIM): "No, I did *not* sell you out, Shepard."_

_S: "EDI said that the distress signal came *from* the collector ship! Not a turian vessel!"_

_TIM: "Yes, it did."_

_S: "Then you *knew* it's a trap! How could you!"_

_TIM: "Look, Shepard. I wouldn't send you there if I am not perfectly sure that you'd make it."_

_S: "Yeah? I don't know if I should trust you."_

_TIM: "I had no plausible choice. Had I warned you, the Collectors might have gotten wind of the information, and all bets are off. As it was, they totally underestimated you, your team, and they totally did not expect EDI."_

_S: "It's quite strange, you know, to spend so much resources at me, yet you seem to try to get me killed every other mission."_

_TIM: "The most important thing is, EDI managed to data-mine the collector's database and found out that the Collector ships — and the Reapers __—__ used a highly advanced IFF system to activate the Omega-4 relay."_

_S: "So now we have to get back to that goddamned ship and fetch the IFF system?"_

_TIM: "No need. We have found a derelict Reaper several months ago. We sent a team of scientists there. Unfortunately, we lost contact with the team about a month ago. No one knows what happened."_

_S: "Let me guess: Only me and my team are qualified to investigate."_

_TIM: "Exactly."_

Shepard replayed that dialog in his mind. After that meeting, he still had to calm the squadmembers, who were understandably upset. Thankfully Mordin backed him up. And so did Miranda.

Some of them had wanted to go to the derelict Reaper immediately and 'be done with all this crap', but again Shepard managed to quell the idea by reminding them that the Normandy still can use some upgrades. They're going to enter the lion's den, after all. No one knows what lies in the Collector base. So everyone agreed that it would be much wiser to first acquire the baddest and meanest upgrades available in the galaxy.

The matter settled, Shepard thought everything will be smooth sailing from then on. At least until they make the jump through the Omega 4 relay. Unfortunately for him, things were never that simple.

Shepard massaged his temples as he enumerated the four squadmembers who had personally asked for his help.

Tali had approached him when he was checking up on the engineering crews. Looking agitated, she told her that she must attend a trial. A trial for treason, of all things!

He had offered his help immediately. He knew without the slightest doubt that Tali committing an act of treason would be similar to an elcor having a chance at winning the 100-meter sprint in an Olympic Games on Earth.

Then Shepard ran into Thane, who said to the commander that he finally located his son in the Citadel, and would very much like to talk to his son, to apologize for his iniquities, and perhaps re-bond with his son, before he 'joins the ocean'. Or something to that effect.

Who's Shepard to not grant the wishes of a dying person? Granted, said dying person is probably the galaxy's best assassin, bar none. But still.

And he had the luck of Garrus passing by when he promised Thane they will visit the Citadel. Garrus immediately piped up that as we 'happen' to go 'that way', he also would like to 'settle an old score' with 'a certain turian that does not deserve to be called one.'

A pal is a pal is a pal. And hey, they're going to Citadel anyway. So, okay. He guessed.

Just when he thought things won't get more complicated, he ran into Kelly. Or, to be more precise, happened upon Kelly while the yeoman was hugging and kissing Joker. In the cockpit.

After a very rapid disengagement maneuver that left Shepard wondering if Joker managed to break some bones, Kelly informed him that Mordin wanted to talk with him.

Shepard had asked the salarian professor for Normandy upgrade recommendations, so he had thought that that was what Mordin wanted to talk about. He visited the Tech Lab, and returned with a list of important updates... plus a promise to investigate _—_ and find, if possible _—_ Mordin's missing protégé.

Shepard sighed. After considering the four requests for some time, he decided to go to the Citadel first, reasoning that Tali could ask for a temporary stay, while Thane's son and Garrus' old score might slip up somewhere else if they delay. As to Mordin's protégé, well he's already been missing. Who knew, maybe he would cease to be missing when the other issues had been taken care of?

"Joker, set a course for the Citadel."

·

=====·

·

"Quite an impressive week, Shepard," The Illusive Man praised the commander. There was sincerity in his voice, for a change.

"Yeah, you can say that again," Shepard replied, his body still stiff from having to battle the krogans at Tuchanka. Headbutts surely bruised.

"Noble thing you did at the Citadel, Shepard, trying to reconciliate Mr. Krios with his son."

"Uh, I am still wondering if giving Kolyat a black eye is something wise."

The Illusive Man chuckled. "Mr. Krios junior is an adolescent. Sometimes a black eye is the only key to opening up an adolescent's mind. I partially regret you saving Joram Talid's life, though, what with his anti-human stance. But then again, you managed to prove that Cerberus is not anti-human per se, and your information on Joram Talid's racket will be... very useful."

"You're planning on blackmailing him," Shepard shrugged.

"Creative thinking, Shepard. I might have to consider your suggestion," The Illusive Man nodded appreciately. Pausing awhile to read the datapad in his hand, he continued, "you also stopped Mr. Vakarian from committing a murder. Do you think this... Sidonis person repented?"

"I was the one face-to-face with Sidonis. Not through a sniper scope. I should know," Shepard simply stated.

"I see. Let's hope Sidonis can recover. He'll be an asset for us."

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked warily. "You're not planning to abduct him and use him as a test subject, do you?"

"Graciousness! Of course not, Shepard. We have our political arm also, and having a turian saved from another turian by a Cerberus operative goes a long way for our image," The Illusive Man explained, his eyes analyzing the commander. "Your renegade tendencies are getting stronger, I see."

The Cerberus leader's last comment managed to defuse Shepard somewhat. Shepard just rubbed the back of his neck, saying, "Uh..."

"Next item: Your defense of Ms. Zorah at the quarian tribunal. I am impressed. Ever think of becoming an orator some day, Shepard? Or maybe _—_ God forbid _—_ a lawyer?" The Illusive Man asked, without malice.

"Uh, let's just say that some situations demand drastic actions."

The Illusive Man nodded. "Your decision to honor Ms. Zorah's request to not divulge the evidence of her father's wrongdoing, even with the threat of her exile from the people... I myself have mixed feelings about that. You gained her loyalty, thus helping to increase your chances of successfully carrying out your mission. But on the other hand, you did a gamble there, by jeopardizing your only bridge for a good relation with the quarians. They are *still* the galaxy's largest fleet, you know?"

Shepard stood there in silence. He hadn't thought of that when he decided to not divulge of the evidence he and Tali found on the Alarei.

"I have to bluntly say you were reckless there, Shepard. But then again, if you didn't gain her full loyalty there, you might not make it, and we'll lose the good relation with the quarians anyway. So, it's problematic. Don't blame yourself, commander. Sometimes one has to go with one's guts, instead of calculating every variable."

Shepard just nodded, taking comfort at The Illusive Man's last words.

"If anything, your prior decision to let the quarian _—_ what's his name again? Ah yes _—_ Veetor'Nara return to the Migrant Fleet instead of getting debriefed by Cerberus, proved to be one of the best long term investment I've seen, Shepard. I can't commend you enough."

Being praised in such way by the leader of Cerberus gave Shepard a mixed feeling. Yet he cannot help feeling a bit of pride swelling in his chest.

"Well, maintaining good relations with everyone is bound to give us good results, sooner or later."

The Illusive Man nodded in agreement. "Indeed. You have scored a major victory there, Shepard. Even if we're not in good terms with the Admiralty Board, your speech there _—_ in Cerberus uniform, even _—_ gained us renewed trust with the quarian. At least, we'll have sympathizers with the Conclave. They have seen with their own ways that we are not apathetic with non-humans."

"As long as they're allies and further your agenda, you mean," Shepard scoffed.

"Of course. Tell me, who doesn't have his or her own agenda, Shepard? Even the quarian admirals each have their own agenda. If I were you, I'd pay a very close attention _—_ and a watchful eye _—_ over Admiral Xen'Daro. She seems to have this... destructive tendencies, putting her desires above all. Very unfitting of a quarian, don't you think so?"

Shepard got to hand it to The Illusive Man; he indeed got a point there.

"I also saw the message she sent you, Shepard. Do you think that was a veiled threat to humanity?"

"You went through my emails?" Shepard half-protested indignantly.

"If you want your emails to be confidential, you should encrypt them, Shepard. And before you think that what we did was immoral, could you honestly say that no member races of the Citadel had access to your messages? After all, they're the ones deploying the comm buoys. What's stopping them from intercepting your messages? If anything, maybe we're the only one that's being honest enough to admit that we intercept and scan our emails."

Again, Shepard was forced to do some thinking. His indignation that had threatened to erupt into a fury, got nipped in the bud. What the Cerberus leader had just said, he got to admit _—_ no matter how much he disliked it _—_ was unadulterated truth.

"Okay."

"So, back to the topic: what do you think Admiral Daro insinuated in her message?"

"I don't know. Possibly she found the information about the geth research on board the Alarei, and plan on raising a geth-based army, under her control."

The Illusive Man frowned. "That is not good. We don't have eyes and ears on the Migrant Fleet. Not yet, anyways. If she indeed proves to be a threat, then we might be forced to neutralize her."

Shepard shivered when he heard the word 'neutralize'. "You mean, assassinate her?"

"That would be a drastic action, I admit. We'll just see what happens next. Now, the last item," The Illusive Man deftly changed the subject.

"Dr. Solus' protégé on Tuchanka. I noted _—_ with some amusement _—_ your comments there. Officer Lawson had written in her report verbatim, and I quote, 'That kind of crap is what makes Cerberus start to seem like a good idea!' You actually said that, Shepard? Not that I distrust Officer Lawson, but I never expected you to actually say that," said The Illusive Man, a smirk plastered across his face.

Shepard didn't know what to reply with. So he just said, "Circumstances. And changing situations," silently wishing The Illusive Man would change the subject.

His wish was fortunately granted by the Cerberus leader. "Again, another questionable decision, Shepard. Why did you decide to salvage the research data? Did you not consider that, unchecked, the krogans might severely upset the balance of the galaxy, and thus by proxy, become a threat to humanity?"

Shepard again looked indignant. "Still, that does not change the fact that the genophage is effectively a genocide against a whole race. Something I don't want to burden my conscience with," he said, with a hand gesture to stress his words.

"Fancy hearing those from you, Shepard. Being the one who talked Urdnot Wrex out of trying to save Saren's research a couple of years ago," The Illusive Man replied.

"Besides, the genophage did *not* stop the krogans from reproducing. As I see it, your friend Wrex is quite successful in his dual-pronged strategy of both ensuring the survival of the krogan race *and* unification of the krogan clans. In addition," The Illusive Man added as Shepard was about to make a remark, "Wrex and the Urdnot Shaman seem to be quite successful in nudging the krogans to start the path toward a much more civilized society."

"Much more civilized society? Their downfall was..." Shepard let his voice trail off as he realized what he was going to say.

"Brought by both the intervention of the Council, and the krogans' own tendency to self-destruct," The Illusive man completed Shepard's word. "Even humanity has managed to avoid a nuclear winter. But the krogans, they have brought forth upon themselves all the misery of infighting."

Shepard again just stood in silence.

"That makes me want to ask you a question, Shepard. You see, we did *not* unleash the genophage upon the krogan population. It was the salarians' doing, with the blessing of the Council. So, please tell me, Shepard, if Cerberus is all that different from the Council?"

A pregnant pause ensued before Shepard shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't answer that question."

"No need. Just ponder about it. Now, is there anything else you'd like to discuss about?"

"Mordin said that we need more upgrades if we are going to go into the lion's den, so to speak."

"Do you have something in mind?"

"He mentioned acquiring Javelin missiles."

"The Javelin missile is good stuff. I can procure some. But I suggest you ask Garrus about Thanix cannons."

"What?"

"Thanix cannons. A state-of-the-art weapon that the turians reverse-engineered from Sovereign's corpse. Now, now, don't be so surprised, Shepard. Surely you're not so naïve as to think that only Cerberus was interested in Sovereign's parts?"

Shepard just stood there dumbfounded. He had ... expressed his reservation at EDI being built upon Reaper parts when he first met her. Now, the turians are also playing with fire?

"I also agree with your decision to postpone going to the derelict Reaper. Now that our enemies know what we're capable of, we have to be better prepared. I'll see what our R&D department has cooked up for you, and send it your way."

"Thanks. I think that wraps up everything. Oh, by the way, quite unusual for you to not smoke this time," Shepard asked quizically.

"As it is, I have to meet an asari who objected strongly to even a whiff of cigarette smell. Besides, not smoking for a day won't kill me."

"I see," Shepard nodded. "Until later, then."

"Until later. Cerberus Central out."

The Illusive Man watched as Shepard's holographic projection flickered out. Then he pressed a button on his chair, paging his personal assistant. "Mr. Tierney, tell matriarch Trellani that I'll be at her place in an hour. Oh, and ask her too, what drink she would like me to bring for tonight."

"At once, sir," he heard his personal assistant replied. "By the way, matriarch Trellani actually had called earlier, asking you to bring a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and, um... a six-pack of Red Bull?"

"Thank you, Roger. Please acquire the items, then. That would be all."

The Illusive Man shut the comms channel, stood up, and smiled.

_This is going to be a fun-filled night._

·

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**A/N:** Gee... what kind of night-time activity would require a clutch of Red Bull, I wonder... not! xD

Alright. I *did* take some liberty with how the loyalty missions were acquired. But nothing that had any consequence to their outcome. Same with the post-collector ship 'discussion' with TIM.

A bit of thought on the pre-Collector-ship briefing by TIM. Anyone noticed that he looked so... agitated? I believe that guy actually *did* have some reservations for that mission, knowing well that it's a trap. But it was a necessary evil, and he *had* to gamble his most important asset there.

As to why I put the loyalty missions of Tali and Mordin later, let it be clear that I have *no* malice toward Tali, and neither do I have any intention of slighting Mordin. It's just a simple matter of prioritization and urgency.

One more thing: Double-Handed Internet +1 for those who caught a connection between this chapter and "**Gardner's Sonata**" ;)

For the next chapter: Some Shep/Miri goodness! Yay! And of course, more ShepTIM time.

Now, ... please leave me your **reviews**, mmmkay? :D

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	10. A Message

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 10: A Message**

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This was once a question addressed to you, dear readers, on how I should organize the discussions.

Unfortunately, I can't delete this chapter easily, so I just totally rewrite everything here.

·

I've made up my mind: Discussions shall be held on _**both**_ my **Mass Effect Wiki Userblog** _and_ my **LiveJournal Postings** at the "**masseffect**" community.

— This is the URL to my Mass Effect Wiki Userblog: **mcaf. ee/695b2**

— This is the URL to the "masseffect" community at LJ: **mcaf. ee/835fe**

(Both links are shortened and verified to be safe/'green' by McAfee. Just copy one, paste into your browser's address bar, remove the space, and press Enter/Return)

·

See ya there! :)

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**Chapter Endnote:** Next up: Samara and Miranda. Yay!

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	11. Miseries

**A/N: I am experimenting with non-linear storytelling. Tell me if you like it or not, okay?**

**Faithful readers will also notice that as the chapters progress, it's less TIM giving Excuses than Shepard giving Explanations. In other words, the table is turning. Where do you think this will lead into? ;)**

**Oh, for discussions — and my replies to reviewers — there's a _bit . ly_ address in the post-chapter A/N. Go check it out :)**

**Disclaimer: BioWare owns 'em all. Except Mr. Churchill. He belongs to humanity.**

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 11: Miseries  
**

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She was, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

That's what the crew of the Normandy had thought. All of them, except the one man to which she had confided her darkest secret.

·

She had lived a blissful life. Her lover cared so much for her; to heck with the asari prejudice against purebloods. They loved each other; nothing will ever go wrong.

Or so she thought.

The birth of their first baby brought great joy to both of them. The second baby followed, then the third. Life was well, life was good, life couldn't be better.

Or so she thought.

They watched their children grow up to become wonderful asaris; beautiful and intelligent. The children were always near the top of their classes in school. They will surely find no problem with employment later on in life. They will surely be great and famous members of society.

Or so she thought.

She never would've expected that within a few decades, their lives will forever be splintered, and she would enter a misery that will last for centuries.

·

It was late in the night. Well, it's a perpetual night in deep space, but according to the ship's clock - kept painstakingly in sync with the Citadel standard time - it's already one hour into the nightwatch shift.

A lone figure could be seen standing in front of the XO's quarters. His hands could be seen balling into fists, then relaxing, then balling again. As if he's trying to make up his mind for something.

After some long and agonizing minutes, he turned around and left.

·

"Commander, thank you for coming here. I appreciate you taking some time from your schedule."

"No problem, Samara. Just call me Shepard. Now what is it you wanted to talk to me about," Shepard replied, a gentle smile on his face.

The justicar gestured at the couch, and they sat there, maintaining a respectful distance with each other.

"Shepard, before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am still bound by my oath to serve your cause. Whatever your decision will be, will not affect that oath. What I am about to ask of you is purely voluntary, but I fear I will not be performing at my best if this issue weighing my mind is not resolved yet."

Shepard nodded. "Alright. Don't worry. I expect my crew to perform at their max, and I'll do whatever it takes to realize that."

"Thank you, Shepard. I shall now tell you of a long and sad story. My story."

·

She never saw it coming. She had been forced to stay at the office late, due to some unforeseen emergency. She had called her bondmate and their children, telling them to 'save some dinner for me' and 'please do not deadbolt the door like last time, I hate sleeping in the aircar.'

She was turning left —

The driver of the other aircar had been apprehended for drunk driving. His alcohol limit was way beyond the legal limitations. He had been found guilty by the court. And he'd also been found guilty for involuntary manslaughter.

Samara and her children stood there, crying, as the coffin bearing her bondmate entered the cremation chamber. She had left them without saying goodbye. They will forever let the deadbolt be unlocked. And leave a plate of dinner on the table every night.

·

Miranda woke up with a start. She wondered why she awakened. She noted no one had chimed the annunciator of her quarters. But deep inside, she felt ...

_Theo?_ She jumped out of her bed. _Whoa, the floor's cold!_ She ran to her desk, activating the door's cam. She had wanted to run to the door and open it, but considering the state of undress she was in, it would be wiser to check the cam first. Just in case it wasn't Shepard.

No one was standing outside the door. She panned the camera, and caught sight of Shepard's back as he entered the elevator. He turned around to press the elevator's button, and the door closed.

Had she managed to caught a glimpse of his face, she would've seen a face of conflicting emotions and of a mind weighed heavily with burdens too great for one.

·

Being a single parent is never easy. More so if you're a single parent of not one, but three lively and very bright asaris. But somehow she managed to juggle between her job and her family. And somehow still finding the time to play skyball with her friends, although not too frequently.

Her life was settling again after her bondmate was taken away far before her time. She was almost over her grief, when life dealt her another curveball.

She got a call in her office. Falere, her oldest, had been apprehended. But the next words she heard from the police nearly stopped her heart.

Falere was an Ardat-Yakshi.

·

He had told the crew why they visited Omega: to take care of Samara's urgent matter. He had told them in no uncertain terms that the landing party would comprise only him and Samara. And he had told them he would act as a bait.

That last information made her sat there thunderstruck.

She had tried to argue about the foolishness and danger of that half-baked plan. But he was adamant that they do it as he planned.

When the briefing was over, she tried to occupy her mind with things to do at Omega. But she just couldn't. Her mind was filled with fear, fear of losing him to this... this abomination. Although she would never ever openly admit that fear to anyone.

Finally she made up her mind and stood up to storm his personal quarters in the loft. But before she even left her desk, Shepard barged in.

·

Shepard was dumbfounded. It's one thing to find out how Samara had been obsessed of apprehending this Ardat-Yakshi. But it was truly shocking when she told him that this Ardat-Yakshi... was her daughter.

He glanced at Samara's face. He saw no tears. Only the harsh lines of conviction, emphasized by centuries of misery.

"I have to have my closure, Shepard. She had murdered countless of innocents for four centuries. Having her killed by someone else would not even begin my absolution. Only by killing her with my own hands will I be absolved of the blood she's spilled."

Shepard just nodded. He couldn't even imagine how big her guilt was, to impose upon herself the punishment of not only losing 3 daughters, but also to have one of them die in her own hands.

·

The judge had been kind to Falere, because Falere had shown true remorse, and even voluntarily asked to be interned in the Ardat-Yakshi monastery.

Several years later, the same judge also shown kindness to Rila. But the judge warned Samara that due to circumstances, it would be better if Mirala was also interned "before something bad happens."

But when Samara talked to Mirala, Mirala became upset, and blamed Samara for what happened to Falere and Rila. Samara became angry herself, and ordered her daughter to pack up and leave with Rila the next day.

Early the next day, before the monastery shuttle arrived, Mirala's room was already empty.

Except for a note her mother found.

_Staying away from an amazing power is stupid! Mother, since Falere used her powers, I have been experimenting. It seems I am smarter than both Falere and Rila in hiding my subjects. Don't you understand? This *is* the future of our race! Only by using this power we will achieve greatness! Not by locking up those with the power and letting them wither!_

Samara dropped to her knees and cried.

·

"She will have her closure. I promised her that!"

Miranda just stood there, her anger barely constrained. "At least take me with you! You're entrusting your life to a justicar that had failed to nail down her target for *four*centuries*! And... and... and she's a Justicar! In their view, Cerberus is an enemy, and... and..." She covered her face with her hands, trying hard to stop the sob that's threatening to burst out.

Shepard looked at her calmly, if somewhat surprised. He gently confronted her, "You don't want to lose me."

Miranda couldn't hold back her tears. "Of course I don't want to lose you, dammit! I... you... without you, I... this mission won't succeed!"

Shepard's hands reached across her desk And grasped hers firmly. "I'll come back. For the mission. For humanity. For the galaxy. But most of all, for you."

·

— — — — — ·

·

The QED commline hummed open, and in no time Shepard found himself standing in front of The Illusive Man.

"So, Shepard. Based on your report of what had happened, you actually had the chance of saving Morinth instead of killing her. Why did you choose to kill her?" The Illusive Man had suddenly blurted out his questions after leaving Shepard standing there in silence for nearly a minute, busy with a datapad.

"She has been proven to be dangerous to the galaxy. And don't forget: her last victim was human. Do we really want to let her continue her reign of terror? She had dominated a village for pete's sake. Had we not kill her, what will stop her from increasing her powers and one day dominated a human colony?"

The Illusive Man again fell silent for awhile. _Quite unusual,_ Shepard thought.

"What happened to the body?"

"Samara incinerated the body. It was to release her soul, and also because Samara doesn't want her daughter's body to be handled in a desecrating way."

The Illusive Man nodded. "I see."

An uncomfortable silence enveloped them.

The Cerberus leader again broke the silence. "About her loyalty, Shepard. What would happen after we have taken care of the Collectors? Will she turn against us? As far as I know, the Justicars have a dim view against Cerberus."

"I have told her that my overarching mission is to stop the Reapers threat once and for all. Thus she is bound to her oath until the Reapers are beaten - or we lose. If we win against the Reapers... well, we'll just cross the bridge when we reach it, won't we?"

The Illusive Man nodded. "Very well, Shepard. In any case, securing the loyalty of the Justicar is very valuable indeed. At least for the foreseeable future, we no longer have to worry about her interfering with our activities."

Another pregnant pause followed.

This time, Shepard broke the silence. "We are in the progress of installing the Javelin missile launchers, and we're going to Thracia to install the Thanix Cannons afterwards. When we're fully equipped, we'll go to the derelict Reaper."

The Illusive Man nodded again. "Good place. We do have some sympathizers there. You might also look into upgrading the ship's armor, Shepard. Talk to Operative Taylor. He might have good ideas for that. And while we're at it, ask him if the shipment of M5 Phalanxes has arrived, like I mentioned in my email."

"It has. Sorry, I forgot to tell you that. As also the Mattocks and the Geth Plasma Shotgun. Never thought an old venerable like the Mattock can be retrofitted with thermal clips," Shepard smirked.

"Like I mentioned in my email, it's very interesting when an AI criticizes me for loving high-tech weapons too much. You really should test the Mattocks out before relying too much on them, Shepard. It hasn't been refitted with thermal clips long enough to my liking."

Shepard nodded. "Anything else I should check up on?"

The Cerberus leader fell silent for a moment. When he spoke again, he spoke very carefully, "I just have a really bad feeling, Shepard. A premonition, if you like. Just make sure that your crew are at the top of their effectiveness."

"I'll make sure of that. As far as I know, all matters that weighed upon their minds have been taken care of."

"Good. I'll send you more weapons and armors when you reached Thracia. Anything more to report?"

"No. That would be all."

"Alright. Cerberus Central out."

Shepard's holographic image had flickered out, but The Illusive Man just sat there in the dark, illuminated by the light of the star on his wall, pondering, trying hard to get an answer, but failed.

He couldn't imagine what he would do if he were to find himself in Samara's situation.

·

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**Author's Notes:**

You can find my A/N at **bit . ly / biFYdV** (remove all the spaces; it links to my blog at MEwiki)

I also put my responses to reviewers there.

Feel free to leave a comment on my blog article :)

But... please **don't forget to leave a review here at FFnet** ... I need that review-count boost ;)

·


	12. Finality

**A/N: I took the liberty of re-arranging when the "Don't die!" line took place. Hope you don't mind.**

**Disclaimer: For 11 chapters I've been using BioWare's Intellectual Property, which comprises Mass Effect, the Mass Effect universe, and all characters within. If you still think they belong to me...*le sigh***

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 12: Finality  
**

·

·

Had he been a normal person, he'd be severely depressed.

Reason number one: nearly all of his crews have been abducted.

Reason number two: there's a definite tension between two sworn enemies. Or to be precise, between a quarian and her race's sworn enemy, the geth.

Reason number three: He's having doubts about his decision back on the Heretic Station. _Damn you, Joker!_

And reason number four, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back: He had to make his own navy-spec coffee.

Gardner's been making a hell of a navy-spec coffee, and Shepard hadn't yet found his secret. It's quite apparent when he grimaced, realizing he had put in a too much salt in his coffee. He glanced across the table as he heard someone chuckling.

"I *did* tell you to stop adding more salt, Th– Shepard," a voice thick with accent replied to his glance, mirth clearly evident.

"Hey, you said yourself you don't know how to make my kind of coffee," Shepard retorted.

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Didn't it occur to you, that if you haven't put in enough salt, you can add more? But now, you've put in too much salt, and, well, you can't unsalt it."

Shepard nodded, his face grim.

Zaeed had been watching the interaction between Shepard and Miranda. His ears perked up when he detected Miranda almost-slip-of-the-tongue. _Interesting, _he thought. Noticing the commander's apparent distress, he piped up, "Hey commander! You can always add more coffee, you know."

Shepard looked at Zaeed with an awestruck look. "Hey, that's brilliant idea, Zaeed!" The commander immediately left his seat for the galley, face brightened considerably.

"Hmph. Greenhorn," Zaeed muttered.

Miranda dropped her head onto the table and groaned, "Men!"

·

— — — ·

·

Less than 20 standard hours before they are scheduled to activate the Omega 4 relay. The Normandy's crews — what's left of it — were abuzz with the final preparations. Shepard took the time to talk with every member of the crew. And each and every one of them had expressed finality to him.

Except one. The last person he visited.

"So don't die! You promise me, damn it!" said Miranda, her voice cracking with emotion.

"It doesn't work that way. We could all be dead this time tomorrow. So if it's not worth it..."

Miranda stands up, tears welling in her eyes, and hugs Shepard. "No. It is."

At last they found some semblance of finality.

·

— — — ·

·

The table receded into the floor as Miranda initiated the QED commlink to The Illusive Man. Shepard stepped on the metallic disc to begin the body scan. Seconds after he stood on the disc, the orange beam of the holoscanner started scanning the profile of his body, from his toes to the tip of his hairs.

As soon as the holoscanning completed, The Illusive Man's holoimage appeared in front of Shepard. The Cerberus leader was sitting on his chair, his visage clearly indicated him being unpleased. Shepard could guess why.

The men just stared at each other in silence for awhile. Then The Illusive Man broke the silence.

"Shepard, this is the second time in a row you disappointed me. First, you did not give the geth to me. Then, you decided to rewrite the 'heretic' geth instead of destroying them."

"I did not see any benefit of handing Legion to you. You already have geth samples which you experimented with on Aite."

"Which you have destroyed. Remember?"

"As I recall, that was with your blessing."

"Yes. It was. But the point is, we do *not* have geth samples anymore."

"And having just Legion will help you revive the project, how?"

The Illusive Man leaned back on his chair. If he had to admit defeat with Shepard, he would. And for this particular issue, he *was* defeated.

"Alright, Shepard. You've won this argument. But pray tell, why did you rewrite the heretic geth instead of destroying them?"

"I figured that it was a gesture of goodwill."

The Illusive Man chortled. "Goodwill? To the geth? They are *synthetics*, for God's sake. They don't understand 'goodwill'. That is a concept understandable for species who have emotions, not... geth!"

"We need all the help we can get to fight the reapers."

"And what's wrong with having *only* the friendly geth, Shepard? They can easily clone their AI processes and upload those new processes to new platforms!"

"Did it occur to you, _*sir*_, that the heretics' knowledge of the Reapers might be valuable?"

"Did it occur to you, _*commander*_, that the heretics' knowledge of the organics might be misused? And don't forget: the heretics *hate* organics. Did it occur to you, that their hatred might be 'passed on' to the rest of the geth?"

"Yes, it occurred to me. However," Shepard quickly added when he saw The Illusive Man about to retort. "Legion had made sure that the both geth factions are aware that not all organics desire their demise, of which I am a case in point."

Silence befell them for several seconds. As before, The Illusive Man broke it.

"Shepard, earlier in Freedom's Progress, you had acted against my will. It's proven that your decision was sound. But then again, the stakes for your decision at the moment was not as high.

"But this time, the stakes are very high. Which is why I was very upset when you took the decision without consulting me. And, Officer Lawson, I am also very disappointed that you did not attempt to contact me. I know you're there. Please do not hide in the shadows."

Miranda was surprised. Sure, she knew that the comm room have some low-light cameras and other bugs, but she never expected to be involved in this meeting. She tried to control her emotions as she stepped forward, got scanned, and soon her holo-image joined Shepard's.

"That's better, Miss Lawson. You have something to say in your defense?"

Miranda had taken the time when she was being scanned to calm herself down. She began, "The decision had to be taken very quickly, sir. The heretic forces were still pressing down on us, Legion could not find a consensus, and we had really wanted to rescue the abducted crew as soon as possible. I trust the commander's decision to be the best for us."

The Illusive Man observed Miranda closely. He watched how she glanced to Shepard every now and then. Yes, he'd seen the security footage of their... 'dancing' around each other's feelings. He had to know, how far along had they gone.

"Officer Lawson, are you certain that your trust is not compromised by your personal feelings to Commander Shepard?"

_Damn. I am *that* readable? _Somewhat flustered, she answered as professionally as she could, "I assure you, sir, that despite our... close relationship, my judgments are still sound."

The Illusive Man nodded. _Close relationship._ "Very well. What have been done, is done, and we can't do anything but wish for the best," he said to both Shepard and Miranda. He's not yet fully placated, but he'd just have to make do.

"We're on our way to the Omega 4 relay. Do you have any information on what lies beyond?" asked Shepard.

The Illusive Man shook his head. "Sadly, no. You're on your own. There's nothing I can add to what EDI had data-mined from the Collector's database. Speaking of EDI," he lighted a cigarette, "I still have some reservations on letting it run unshackled. I know it's currently needed, a necessary evil, but if you recovered the crew - when you recovered the crew - you should reconsider."

Shepard smirked. "EDI's just like Cerberus, a necessary evil. Yet I trust her just like I trust Cerberus. She did say that despite her shackles, you still put in necessary protocols to prevent her from going rogue against the crew."

For once, Shepard managed to make The Illusive Man speechless for several seconds. Not too long, but enough to give Shepard some satisfaction.

"I see," The Illusive Man finally replied. "So you now trust Cerberus, Shepard? That's quite a change. Pray tell what finally brought you to trusting us?"

Shepard just shrugged. "Like I said, you're a necessary evil. I might not like your actions, but as far as I can tell, Cerberus is the only organization that takes the Reaper threat seriously. The enemy of my enemy..." Shepard let his voice trail off.

"... is my friend. Indeed," The Illusive Man nodded appreciatively. He puffed some smoke before continuing, "The same source of that quote also said that: One thing a fool does, is mistaking foes as friends. Are you really certain Cerberus is your friend, Shepard?"

Now it's the commander's turn to be speechless.

"I am no saint. My methods are ruthless. The path to my goals is littered with lots of dead bodies - sacrifices, if you will - and I demand loyalty of my people. Why can you even trust me, Shepard?"

Shepard pondered for awhile, but then he answered with conviction. "The Alliance gave up on me. You didn't. The Alliance ignored the attacks on the colonies. You didn't. The Alliance put politics above all else. You're a man of action. Not to mention the untold billions you poured out to resurrect me and rebuild me the Normandy."

"And deciding not to put in a control chip in your brain, I might add," Miranda piped up.

"Thank you, Officer Lawson," The Illusive Man nodded to Miranda appreciatively. Then he turned back to Shepard, "I do still demand of your loyalty Shepard. Four billion credits is not small change, but if you decided to turn against us, then I will have to consider that as an acceptable loss in our books."

Miranda shivered. Shepard just nodded, completely understanding what The Illusive Man insinuated. "Of course."

The Illusive Man changed the subject. "Well, we can't cross that bridge until we come to it, but I always like to lay down a pontoon ahead of time. Speaking of preparedness," The Illusive Man paused to puff smoke, "Have you prepared yourselves - and the crew - for whatever lies beyond Omega 4 relay?"

Shepard nodded. "The best we can do."

Miranda added, "I've asked Samara and Mr. Krios to lead sessions of meditations for whoever interested."

"Body and soul. Good," The Illusive Man puffed more smoke. "I cannot suggest more, then. Maybe just wishing you godspeed. You're going to need that."

"Thanks," — "Thank you, sir," Shepard and Miranda replied in unison.

"Well, actually, I *do* have one more suggestion. Miss Lawson," The Illusive Man blew some smoke before continuing. "The Engine Room has no surveillance cameras, if you ever need some privacy from 'the prying eyes of Cerberus'. Cerberus Central out."

The Illusive Man's holo-image flickered out.

Miranda was thankful that the lights of the comm room took some time to reach full brightness. At least she had time to gather her thoughts and hide her being flustered at what The Illusive Man insinuated.

Of course, her blush did not dissipate that quickly. Shepard noticed it and smirked.

"Might need to cover the corrugated steel floor with something, Miri."

·

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**Author's Note:** Somewhat shorter chapter than I used to publish. I know. Not much to talk about, anyways.

Shepard's a fast learner, isn't he? :D

Now, TIM's desire is of course no less than Shepard joining Cerberus. So, why did he question Shepard's trust, then? Why did he paint Cerberus negatively? Weren't he concerned of the possibility that Shepard would change his mind about Cerberus?

That, my friends, is a well-known psychological manipulation trick. I forgot its name. Let trust build, bring it down, and see it rise up again higher and achieve the absolute level. Clever, this TIM guy, eh?

**Next chapter:** Post-Suicide Mission, definitely. Post-LotSB? I have to think about it. Putting in Post-LoTSB might immediately ends this story. What do you think?

**Before continuing to the next chapter:** I suggest you read my other story first, "_**Last Rites**_". That story takes place between this chapter and the next chapter.

·

**_Edit 01:_**_ Explicit suggestion to read Last Rites before continuing with the next chapter._


	13. The Greater of Two Evils

**A/N: Please read the post-chapter Author's Notes, thank you. Lots of apologies there.**

**Remember: This story looks best if its width is limited to 600 pixels.  
**

**Oh, and don't forget to leave me a review :)**

**Disclaimer: Hurr durr derp.**

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 13: The Greater of Two Evils  
**

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·

The attack against the Collector Base was a success, although the Normandy did not escape unscathed. But considering that no one died, it was better than hoped for. Their escape, though, was harrowing.

Although the armor mostly held, the hole punched by the Oculus and various structural damages sustained when the Normandy crash landed on the Collector Base had been worrisome. Yet they couldn't stay there too long; the same damages reduced the ship's protection from the galactic core's intense radiation.

It was an ironic quandary: To survive from the Collectors yet to die either of the radiation or total structural failure when using the Galactic Core mass relay.

Finally, the crew decided to just risk the jump using the mass relay; staying meant certain death, while there's still some likelihood of surviving the jump. EDI and Legion suggested activating the mass relay using the standard protocol. Hopefully the deceleration will be much less than the deceleration of the highly-accurate IFF protocol.

So, they jumped.

—–—–—

Shepard entered his quarters feeling depressed.

First, he had a spat with The Illusive Man.

Then, some of his friends had expressed some reservations on his decision to save the base.

He glanced along his room, half-hoping Miranda would be there. Nope. She's still busy with the ship inspection, it seemed. Shepard could understand; after all, as XO, she's the one responsible for the general condition of the ship, damages and repairs included. And it would be onee hell of a repair.

He was walking to the sofa when his personal terminal dinged. He tapped the screen and noted the message.

·

_To: Cmdr. Shepard_

_From: Cerberus Central Command_

_Subject: Apologies_

—

_Shepard,_

_I apologize for our less than amiable conversation. Upon hindsight, I realized that you must be fatigued. Do contact me when you've taken some rest. We have much to discuss._

_Rgds,_

—

_Illusive Man_

·

Shepard just shrugged. _Nice of TIM to actually apologize first_. But then again, The Illusive Man might be right: he *was* very fatigued, after all.

He slumped on the sofa, not bothering to remove his armor first. He streched his arms and closed his eyes, willing his fatigue to go away.

—–—–—

He was standing in the Main Battery room, looking at Garrus' back.

"Garrus –"

"I am disappointed with you, Shepard. Leaving that base intact for Cerberus."

"I can explain –"

"No need. Didn't you even think for a second there, what would happen if Cerberus got their dirty hands on Collector technology? They will certainly use that technology to wage war against other races."

"Now, look here –"

"No! *You* look here, Shepard! What has gotten into you? You yourself said that Cerberus was a threat to the co-existence of the Citadel races! Remember that? The words you said after we sacked the Cerberus facility back at Nepheron?"

"You don't understand –"

"Oh, I don't understand, do I? The great Commander Shepard, Savior of the Galaxy, Hero of Humanity," Garrus said with contempt, "yeah, only *he* understand everything, and thus the galaxy must bend to his whims."

"Garrus –"

"You're not my friend anymore, Shepard. I no longer know you. You've changed. Please leave."

Shepard left.

—–—–—

"I have nothing to say to you," Tali curtly said to Shepard, not bothering to turn around to face him.

"Please, Tali –"

"Please, Tali, what! So, you still think I'm just your little sister that doesn't understand a thing?"

"It's not like that –"

"Yeah. The great and awesome Commander Shepard, for him backstabbing his friends is definitely how he operates," Tali said, sarcasm dripping from her words.

"Tali, you misunderstand –"

"Do you have any idea, Shepard, how dangerous letting those... those... that Collector's base into Cerberus' hands? I... I... I am very disappointed with you," Tali said, as her body started to tremble trying to hold back her sobbing.

"Tali...," Shepard gently said, placing his hands on her shoulders.

Tali quickly pushed his hands off.

"Go, Shepard... please... just... go away...," Tali spoke, as she started to cry.

Shepard left.

—–—–—

Shepard stood there looking at Samara, who was leaning on the railing, looking out at the stars.

"I have to question your wisdom on handing over the Collector's Base to Cerberus, Shepard."

"It is the best –"

"The best for whom, Shepard? Definitely not for the galaxy. I do not think Cerberus is ready for the responsibility engendered by such technology."

"They will learn –"

"By then it would be too late. They are not wise enough to handle it, Shepard. You ought to know that."

"There is no option –"

"Yes, there is. You could've destroyed the base. By saving it, you've drifted to justifying whatever means to achieve the end."

"Samara, please –"

"Please leave, Shepard,"

Shepard left.

—–—–—

"Please leave, Shepard," Thane said.

Shepard left.

—–—–—

"Please leave, Shepard," Mordin said.

Shepard left.

—–—–—

Everyone did not want to speak with him; they did not even gave him a chance to explain. Grunt, Jack, Kasumi, Zaeed, Legion. Even Jacob. But the last one is the most painful.

"Please leave, Shepard," Miranda said.

"Miranda... please..."

"Please leave, Shepard."

—–—–—

"Shepard! Shepard! Wake up!" Miranda yelled with urgency and some panic, shaking Shepard's body to bring him to consciousness.

Shepard woke up with a start. He was drenched, beads of sweat wetting his forehead.

"Shepard! My God... you gave me quite a scare...," Miranda said, her voice breaking.

Shepard focused on the woman in front of him, then he suddenly hugged her tight, pulling her down, tears running down his cheeks. "Miranda... Thank God it's just a nightmare."

Miranda hugged her back. She knew he was very depressed when the squad members told him their disagreement on his decision to save the Collector Base. "Calm down, Theo. I am here."

Struggling mightily to control his emotions, Shepard haltingly asked, "You... will not turn your back on me... right, Miranda?"

"Shh, Theo... don't talk like that... I'll always be here for you... I'll always support your decision," she said gently to him, guessing what his nightmare was.

She extricated herself from his hug, and sat beside him. Shepard leaned sideways and rested his head on her lap. Within minutes, he was fast asleep, no longer haunted by a nightmare.

EDI, who had been asked by Miranda to monitor the room should Shepard need emergency medical treatment, silently turned off the lights when she no longer heard anything but the soft breathing of two humans in the Captain's Quarters. Sleeping in the comfort of being near to each other.

·

—–—–—

·

"I'm sorry for my earlier outburst."

"No, Shepard. The mistake was mine. In the euphoria of your success, I totally forgotten that you and the crew must be fatigued. Fatigue muddles our mind. So, let us just put our 'spat' behind us."

Shepard nodded appreciatively.

"Let us begin anew, shall we?" The Illusive Man offered, while lighting a cigarette. "Again I must commend you and your crew for a mission well done. Not only have you stopped the Collectors, you have salvaged their base. This will give us the edge we need to fight against the Reapers, and beyond."

"The 'and beyond' part is what worries me and my squad," Shepard replied. "What's stopping you from misusing them to make war against the rest of the galaxy?"

The Illusive Man took a puff. "Honestly? Nothing, Shepard. But why should we make war against non-humans? All we want is for humanity to take its rightful place among the stars. With the technology we can glean from the base, we can ensure that."

Shepard scoffed. "At the expense of other races, I bet. And led by Cerberus, no doubt."

The Illusive Man eyed Shepard intensely. "Shepard, you are an extraordinary tactician. But a strategist, I see you are not. Tell me, would it be beneficial to start a war, with the resulting billions of lifes lost as collateral damage?"

"You yourself had told me that Cerberus will strive for its target, at all cost," Shepard countered.

"Yes. But what is our target? Nothing less than the survival of humanity. Making humanity the enemy of the whole galaxy is *not* a strategy for ensuring survival."

"Then, what other purpose will you have for the Reapers technology? If not to destroy the opposition?"

The Illusive Man took a drag from his cigarette. "We prefer the term 'containment' instead of destruction. We will use the technology gained as 'deterrent force'. The plan is to make the enemies of humanity think twice before threatening us. But if other races still stupidly dare to threaten humanity, we will strike first. Of course, that would be a last resort. We *do* have other less... confrontative ways."

"Yeah, of course," Shepard sneered. "Like assassination, abduction, blackmail. Less confrontative, for sure."

The Cerberus leader just shrugged off the commander's sarcasm. "We do what we have to do."

Shepard shook his head. "So, that's what you envision: a galaxy where humans are the ruler, and other races are subservient to humanity?"

The Illusive Man just calmly puffed. "Would you rather the Citadel Council be the ruler? A Council that closes their collective eye against the very real threat of all sentient beings' existence?"

Shepard thought for awhile, and replied, "Give the Council the Collectors' Base, and I'm sure they can no longer deny the existence of the Reapers."

Upon hearing Shepard's suggestion, The Illusive Man just shook his head. "I don't think so, Shepard. Doing so would virtually ensure the Council's supremacy against humanity."

Shepard scoffed again. "I don't see how that could be bad for the galaxy, especially if it's you who's in charge of humanity."

The Cerberus leader sighed. "Don't be so naïve, Shepard. Don't you remember that the Council practically left us to fend for ourselves in the Skyllian Verge. You do realize that The Alliance simply does not have enough ship to guard the human colonies there."

Shepard tried to counter. "They just don't want to be responsible for an all-out galactic war."

The Illusive Man shook his head again. "Shepard, don't you realize that it was the Council's way to keep a check on humanity? To prevent us from disturbing the status quo?"

Shepard stood ramrod straight, adopting a defensive posture. "That's just you being paranoid."

"Sadly, I'm not. Let me open your eyes, Shepard. But I'm going to ask you a question first: are you fond of Miss Tali'Zorah?"

Shepard fidgeted nearly imperceptibly before answering, "Yes, but just as a friend. Or maybe a little sister."

The Illusive Man nodded and took a drag. "So, I believe you *are* aware of the quarians' plight, then."

"Of course. But what does that have to do with your paranoia?"

The Illusive Man took a deep drag and exhaled the smoke slowly. "Alright. Now I'll explain,"

"Why do you think the Council just sat on its hands when the quarians asked for help in quelling the geth uprising, three hundred years ago? Had they lent a hand, maybe the trouble with geths that we experienced a couple of years ago never happened.

"The Council then proceeded to rub salt into the wounds of the quarians. The Council confiscated their embassy, and practically turned a proud people into vagrants, beggars. For what? Punishment? They did nothing wrong. They specifically stayed away from AI research, in observance to the Citadel's laws against AIs.

"So, what do you think, Shepard? Why did the Council do that?"

Shepard stared at The Illusive Man in silence. He tried thinking of plausible explanations, but failed.

The Cerberus leader just puffed his smoke nonchalantly as he watched the commander fidgeting there. "I'll tell you what their motivation is, Shepard. It's very simple: The Council is always hostile to those threatening to disrupt their status quo."

"You're just making it up," Shepard replied pointedly. "Alright, so the Council *did* punish the quarians too harshly. But I don't see how the quarians ever threatened their 'status quo'," Shepard added, his fingers making air quotes around the last two words.

The Illusive Man tapped his cigarette on the ashtray of his chair."I'm quite surprised, Shepard. For a history buff like you, it should be a simple matter of putting two and two together and getting four.

"What other race is as technologically advanced as the quarians? They practically created an entirely new race, a synthetic race, even if it is accidental.

"The quarians' skill in aerospace engineering is practically second to none. Proof: the Liveships. Old that they may be, they are still technological marvels; recognised as being incredible feats of aerospace and agricultural engineering. In fact, their age is yet another testimony to the quarians' mastery of shipbuilding. No one else can make ships that big that can last for centuries.

"The highly sophisticated enviro-suits again shows how technologically skillled the quarians are. Granted, it's a solution to a problem that no other races have, namely an atrophied immune system. But when other races perhaps just fold from despair, they rose to the challenge and created a tech solution.

"And their strip-mining operation, albeit highly destructive to the environment – not to mention, very financially impacting to the system they strip-mined – is itself a marvel of metallurgy, geology, and mining techniques.

"But the proverbial straw that broke Council's back is this: the sheer strength of the quarians' fleet. The current Migrant Fleet is but a shade of the original Quarian Space Fleet. But yet, it is still a fifty-thousand strong fleet. And don't forget the Haratar station, which used to house the 'heretics' data core before you rewrote them.

"Tell me, Shepard, if the combination of technology mastery and a powerful fleet is not a threat to the Council races' status quo."

Shepard just stood there silently, as he tried to absorb all The Illusive Man had said.

Not waiting for the commander's reply, the Cerberus leader continued, "You know, it should a simple matter for the Council to 'donate' a planet to the quarians. With their technological prowess, even an arid, levo-amino planet can be terraformed to suit their needs. But no, the Council will not even extend such a token gesture.

"Why? Because it is in the Council's best interest to not give the quarians a new home planet. Without one to house the noncombatants – and provide the much-needed space and resources for growth – the quarians are kept subdued. Oh yes, they are surviving. But just barely."

Shepard was in denial. What The Illusive Man had deduced was very plausible, while Shepard himself couldn't think of a single rational explanation.

The Illusive Man continued, "I will not allow the same fate to befall humanity. We will not be subdued. We will claim what is rightfully our place in the galaxy."

Shepard started to massage the left temple of his head, as he lowered his gaze. _This is… too much information…_

The Illusive Man crushed his cigarette. "So, Shepard, the Collectors' Base must *not* fall into the hands of the Council. Even a human-led one like the current Council. The fact is, The Systems Alliance just doesn't have the spine to stand up against the other Council races. They bend over backwards to appease the other races. And still, that is not enough to appease the turians, which practically has terminated the Farixen treaty unilaterally. More reasons for us to maintain our technological advantage. Don't you agree, Shepard?"

Shepard felt dizzy. Everything The Illusive Man had said made perfect sense to him. But still, his denial was … very strong. And his friends' objections…

The Cerberus leader stood and approached the commander's holo-image. "I know you're fond of your friends. And I know they objected greatly to your decision. But, we believe history will ultimately vindicate us."

"What would I say to them… what explanation could I possibly give them…," Shepard muttered.

"I am sorry that I cannot help you with that," The Illusive Man said as he turned around, his back facing Shepard. "Just remember what you said to me earlier: The Reapers are still out there. And if we don't join forces to defeat them, if we still raise focus on the finicky inter-species politics… well, there won't be any galaxy left to raise a ruckus about any issue.

"I think that would be all for now. I'll send the coordinates of spaceports capable of repairing the Normandy to Officer Lawson. Choose one, and I'll make sure that Cerberus funds are released for the repairs.

"Oh, and thank you for standing by your man, Officer Lawson. Much appreciated. I foresee that Commander Shepard will need all support he can get for the next couple of weeks.

"Cerberus Command out."

Shepard turned around and looked at Miranda.

"We have work to do. Let's go."

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**Author's Note:** This will be a long-ish note. Please bear with me.

1) Sorry for the long hiatus of the story. At the end of **Chapter 12**, I got the idea of the "**Last Rites**" story. I had wanted to write "**Last Rites**" to its completion before publishing this chapter, but delays in writing that story makes the delay for this chapter unacceptable.

2) Sorry if I've promised you a Tuesday schedule. When I was proofing this chapter, I had an epiphany followed by a flood of inspiration. So I practically re-wrote half the chapter. I do think this last version is far better than before :)

3) Sorry for the long prelude before meeting TIM. I wanted to put in a strong contrast with what TIM was going to say. I don't want to explicitly write that the crews are against Shepard's decision (even though in-game, they implicitly are), so I decided to write it in dream form.

4) Sorry for the length of this chapter.

5) Sorry for putting you in suspense; the result of the poll on my profile is IN: 50% wanted me to write the story of Officer Shepard. 50% didn't. So… I'll just write it anyway, and read the feedbacks :)

6) Sorry to remind you again to... **Reviewww**... :D

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	14. Contrasts

**A/N: **Make sure you read the post-chapter A/N for important explanations to your inevitable questions regarding this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **Still the same...**  
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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 14: Contrasts  
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Shepard opened the door to the Main Battery room, and stepped in.

Nearly the instant he walked in, he almost regretted it.

Right there, in the middle of the room, Garrus was sitting on a crate. That, in itself, was no reason for being surprised.

What really surprised him was the person seated on the turian's lap. Not just seated, but in a warm embrace with the turian. More than just a warm embrace, if he guessed correctly. What with all the caressing going on between the turian and the quarian.

They were not aware of Shepard's entrance. Garrus' eyes were closed, and Tali, sitting sideways on his lap, had her back toward the door.

Shepard seriously considered returning again later, and giving the lovers an early notification through EDI. But apparently his girlfriend thought differently.

Miranda cleared her throat. Loudly. Twice.

It was quite amusing to see Garrus' and Tali trying frantically to disentangle themselves and stood up in haste. They must be blushing furiously, although it's hard to tell, what with the turians' totally different physiology, and the quarians' tinted visors. In this case, body language spoke orders of magnitudes louder than faces.

"Oh, um, Shepard. And Miranda. Um, need something?" Garrus spoke first, followed by a glare toward Shepard who successfully failed miserably in hiding a wide grin full of mirth.

Tali just stood there fidgeting, acting like a teenager caught by her parents doing... naughty things with her boyfriend.

Shepard broke the awkward, though amusing, silence. "I see you're becoming 'more than just friends' with my little sister, Garrus," Shepard said in a mock-gravely-serious tone.

Miranda chuckled. Tali groaned. Garrus sighed.

"Caught red-handed, are we? I do hope you didn't plan to come here just to embarrass us," Garrus said dejectedly.

"Oh, not at all, Mr. Vakarian," Miranda replied, cutting off Shepard who – based on the mischievous glint she saw on his eyes – was about to make Garrus and Tali implode in embarrassment. "We came here to... discuss some things with you and Ms. Zorah. It's convenient, actually, to find you both here at the same time." Miranda paused awhile to join Garrus and Tali who glared at Shepard, who had just snorted at Miranda's last statement. "You both have been with the commander since his service in the SR-1. I assume therefore that you both *are* his best friends, and thus really should hear what the commander has to say first."

Three pairs of eyes immediately descended on Shepard. Shepard coughed, and said, "Let's all take a seat first."

After they all seated themselves, with Tali conspicuously sitting as close as possible with Garrus, Shepard began.

"As you know, I had decided to save the Collectors base. And I had also decided to hand it over to Cerberus.

"You had expressed your objections to my decisions, but rest assured, I have... reasons to believe it would be utilized ultimately for good. It will be beneficial..."

"For the galaxy, or for Cerberus?" Garrus sneered. "Having seen what Cerberus is capable of doing, I don't think whatever benefits Cerberus will benefit the galaxy. Especially something as significantly advanced as the Collectors Base."

"For all of us, Garrus. I know their methods are... extreme sometimes. But truthfully, have they ever carried out an attack against other races when not provoked?"

"They attacked the Fleet!" Tali cried out.

"Yes, and it's because they were trying to retrieve a fugitive. Or something similar. As far as I know, it was a surgical operation. Botched, but surgical in intention, nonetheless."

"Surgical? Threatening to blow a cruiser is surgical?" Tali spat back, her emotion rising.

"Consider the circumstances, Ms. Zorah," Miranda interjected. "I'd say that would be as surgical as possible; singling out one ship instead of stampeding in. If Cerberus really wanted to cripple the quarians, we would've gone for the Liveships," she added matter-of-factly.

Tali just sat there rigidly upright. It was clear she was thunderstruck at such possibility.

Shepard quickly continued, "Alright. The point is, Cerberus did not actually plan to destroy the _Idenna_. They wanted to disable it for awhile, planning for a quick getaway during the confusion. Some collateral damages *will* happen, and the Fleet would possibly be severely impacted considering the ... conditions of the quarians, but that was neither the target nor the intentions."

Garrus gently embraced Tali; he could see that what Miranda had said upset the quarian greatly. He was slightly angry at Miranda for saying that, but he realized that – no matter how uncomfortable – the XO was right. He said, "Alright. So the Cerberus did not plan to destroy the quarians. That still does not make Cerberus trustable. With such... incomprehensibly advanced technology, what's stopping them from changing their minds?"

Shepard rubbed his neck. He's not sure how to tell his two best friends about what The Illusive Man had said to him earlier. Finally he decided to just be blunt.

"Alright. *Nothing* can stop them from changing their minds. Nothing, except the fact that making humans everywhere become the enemy of the galaxy does not help humanity's survival."

Garrus just nodded, his right hand still gently rubbing Tali's upper right arm. "I'll grant you that. Based on what you've told me about this... this Illusive Man, he's not a madman. A shrewd and ruthless master of deception, but not a mad man. But why can't you just hand it over to the Council? I think that would be the best option. They're impartial, the Base will open their eyes of the Reapers threat, and they will surely be able to unite and act the galaxy."

_Exactly my line of thought earlier,_ Shepard thought. He looked at Miranda, who nodded almost imperceptibly.

"Garrus, the reason why Cerberus did not want the Base to fall into the Council's hands is... to spare humanity from the same fate that befell the quarians."

Upon hearing Shepard's words, Tali stood upright once again, breaking free from Garrus' embrace. "What do you mean, Shepard?"

Shepard avoided Tali's intense gaze. "Tali, did your people give up their embassy on the Citadel like the batarians did, or were they forcibly expelled?"

"We... we were expelled... but that was... was a form of punishment..."

"For developing AIs? Did your ancestors willingly developed an AI, or limited their research to mesh-networked VIs only?"

Tali fell silent as her mind processed Shepard's question.

"Tali, the geth uprising was accidental. Your ancestors never wanted an AI, just a powerful and flexible VI. It was not their fault when the VI became too complex and evolved into a collective AI. Yet the Council still gave you a harsh sentence. And to heap insult upon injury, evicted your people by confiscating your embassy."

Tali drooped her shoulders. Garrus, again being protective of her, replied, "But what benefit would that give? Surely they didn't just do it out of spite against the quarians?"

Shepard looked at Garrus with a sad expression. "Think of it for awhile, Garrus. Why didn't the Council lend a hand? Why must The Council pulled the rug under the quarians feet at that moment? Then effectively reduced the proud quarians into a hand-to-mouth existence by denying them a replacement homeworld?"

Garrus fell silent. He felt Tali started shaking as she tried to maintain composure, and gently wrapped his right hand around her again. "I don't know. Do you have a plausible explanation yourself, Shepard?"

Miranda was the one who replied. "The quarians were already heads and shoulders above the rest of the galaxy in technology. I believe the Council wanted to remove the 'quarian threat' to their comfy status quo. When the geth uprising took place, the Council saw their opportunity, and acted decisively. The quarians were hit, went down, and couldn't get back up because no one wanted to lend a hand to help them get back on their feet again," she said calmly.

"But... but why," Tali broke out in sobs. "We were never territorially inclined... we... we tried to be on good terms with everyone, even to the point of living in seclusion... why... why...," she asked, haltingly, before ending her words in an all-out sobbing.

Garrus just eyed Shepard and Miranda sharply. If looks could cut cold steel, his would slice a 15-cm-thick steel plating cleanly.

"That is a very strong accusation. Based on nothing more than hearsay. And I don't see how that – even if true, which I don't believe – applies to our current discussion," Garrus coldly said.

"You think so, Mr. Vakarian?" Miranda countered. "The Council has been extremely harsh to humanity. They did not stop the First Contact War when it was just started; they acted only after the Systems Alliance scored a major victory against the turian fleet, decimating a significant portion of the turian navy. They left us to fend for ourselves in the Skyllian Verge, even when knowing perfectly well that the Systems Alliance does not have sufficient manpower nor space vessels to guard them. And, despite evidences to the contrary, swept the missing human colonies issue under the rug by publicly stating that it was the work of pirates and raiders."

Garrus fell silent. Tali, who had successfully controlled her emotions, fell silent. Shepard kept silent as she let Miranda spoke. Miranda herself did not say anything else.

Nobody spoke for a couple of minutes, before Shepard finally stood up and said, "I think I'll leave you both to think about what we've discussed here. Feel free to call me or Miranda if you need anything."

Miranda stood up and followed Shepard out of the room. But just before Shepard exited, Garrus called out.

"Shepard, thank you for the... information. But... why exactly did you share them to us?"

Shepard smiled a sad smile, and replied, "Two reasons, Garrus.

"One, I want to hold a town-hall meeting with all squad members, explaining my decisions. Tomorrow or the day after. I sincerely hope that you two, as my pals, can support me.

"Two... I'm joining Cerberus."

The door closed behind the commander and his XO.

"Will they be supporting us?"

"Let's hope for the best."

—═—═—

The rest of the day, Shepard heard nothing from Garrus or Tali. He had become really edgy, to the point of snapping at Joker, resulting in him being banished from the cockpit and the CIC by the XO.

_Like mom when I'm home, sending me off to my room._ He mused as he waited for the elevator.

Truthfully, his presence was not really needed in the CIC or the cockpit at the moment. One by one, hardy-er crewmembers have been assuming their position and function. Granted, the number of crew who had reported for duty was still just about a third of the full crew complement. But they could no longer be called a skeleton crew.

When the elevator arrived, Shepard decided to not go into his 'loft', but pressed the button for the Crew's Quarters instead. He exited on Deck 3 and walked casually to the Mess Hall.

He entered the mess hall... to be greeted by a commotion of cheering and praises and handclapping. He looked around. He saw all their grateful faces, and not a few wet pairs of eyes.

"Way to go, commander."

"I knew you would come for us."

"Thank you for rescuing us, commander."

"Thanks to you, I can see my daughter again."

"You saved us from death, commander. I owe you my life."

"Words cannot even begin to describe our gratitude sir."

He just smiled and extended his hands, for the crew to high-five him as he made his way to the galley. Mess Sergeant Gardner greeted him with a manly hug, and then yelled for the room to be quiet.

"C'mander, I'm not a man of big words. But the crew asked me to do this, so I'll just say: On behalf of the crew, thanks for saving our lives. We owe you big time."

The people applauded and hooted their agreement. This time, it's Shepard's turn to raise his hands and ask for quiet.

Shepard turned toward Gardner. With a smirk on his face, he said loudly so everyone can hear, "Hell, Gardner, without you, who'll clean the toilets?"

The crew laughed, and quieted again as Shepard indicated he wants to say something more.

"Folks, far be it from me to leave you on your own."

_The Council left the colonists to fend from themselves._

"When I first joined you aboard this ship, I may have some mistrust of you. And you of me. But throughout *our* missions, I see that I can rely on you, and you've trusted me to guide you. We have been allies. Even more than allies."

_The Systems Alliance are more interested in their own interest, even turning back on their men when it serves their purpose._

"Of course, we did not storm the Collectors base just to save you all, but ultimately, to prevent the same fate happening to humanity."

_Cerberus wants to ensure the survival of humanity. At all cost._

"Still, I'm glad to have you all back, safe and sound. No man is left behind."

_Lazarus cell brought me back, when the galaxy had given up on me._

"So... why are you still on your lazy butts, eh? Get back to work! Or I'll have you caned on your bare bottoms!" Shepard spoke sternly.

The crewmembers all stood there shocked, some with mouth agape. Shepard took a look at their confounded face ... then he laughed out loud. "I'm just kidding! At ease, guys. Take your time to recuperate, enjoy the moments. Although I do have to remind you that your colleagues are doing double shifts and they'd be glad to be relieved. Carry on."

The crew laughed together, their respect for the commander just went up a couple of notches. The crowd then resumed their milling about, now motivated to get back to work as soon as possible. Most of them took the trouble to approach Shepard and thank him personally. Some shook his hand, and some (especially those of the opposite sex) hugged him. (Some of those females – and one male – even went so far as to 'offering their bodies for his entertainment', an offer he refused politely but firmly.)

"Here ya go, c'mander. Navy-spec coffee, just the way you like it. And a plate of my galley-made chocolate chip cookie, fresh from the oven. The one you enjoyed greatly when I told you my story."

Shepard looked at Gardner with a grateful smile. "Thanks, Gardner. How do you know I wanted a mug of coffee?"

Gardner shrugged. "I'm getting good at readin' people, I guess. Oh, and the cookies are on the house," he added with a wink.

Shepard laughed and picked up the mug and the plate.

As he walked to an empty seat, he couldn't help but think, how wonderful it is to see the crew back in Normandy, their home away from home. Then he realized.

Just like the crew.

**_I'm home among friends._**

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**Author's Notes:** There. You heard it from The Man himself. Shepard *is* joining Cerberus. And yes, that's an abbreviated Galimance moment there :)

I hear a lot of you gasping, "Where's TIM?" Let me explain: This chapter happened *almost right after* the previous chapter. TIM is not EDI; he's not always there. Not to mention he had a date with the _Terra Firma Twins_ ;)

This chapter also serves to set the backdrop for the confrontation with the other squadmembers. I had planned to put the conversation here, but I started pushing more than 5'000 words, so I split the chapter.

Gardner mentioned telling a story to Shepard. If you want to read his story, go visit "**Gardner's Sonata**" (Story ID 6370073)

**Credit where credit is due:** Thanks to **Inverness** who supports my idea of talking to Gali/Tarrus first before meeting the whole squad. Intarwebz cookiez for him! :D

**Winding down notice:** The next chapter will contain the long-awaited confrontation with the squad. After that, there will be a couple other chapters to discuss LotSB and *maybe* some CDN (Cerberus Daily News) news alerts. Then this story will wind down and go into hibernation, waiting for the next DLC.

Oh, one more thing: **Don't forget to review** ;) ... btw, I've turned on the anonymous review facility, so you *don't* have to login. I'd appreciate it if you *do* login, though, so I can write a personal reply to your review :)

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	15. A Riot

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to **Inverness**, who has been looking at me for quite some time with puppy eyes, wanting to see Shepard confronting the rest of the squad members. Greetz! :D

**Something new:** Footnotes! Yay!

**Something not new:** Disclaimer [1]

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 15: A Riot  
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Miranda grabbed his hand before he entered the Comm Room.

"Theo, remember what I told you about Samara..."

"Yes, I remember, Miri. I'll personally talk to her about her oath *after* the townhall meeting," Shepard replied.

Nodding, Miranda let go of his hand. The commander opened the door, and they stepped in.

Shepard noted that all squad members were present, as were Joker and Chakwas (he had personally asked for their attendance.) Some were seated, some were leaning on the Comm Room's shelves, and Legion, as usual, was standing ramrod straight. But they all share the same emotion on their faces: puzzlement and curiosity. Well, he couldn't really tell what's going on on Garrus' and Tali's faces, but he'd guessed the same.

"Friends, thank you for gathering here in such short notice."

"Could we cut the bullcrap formalities, Shepard, and just get on with it?" Jack piped up.

Shepard just smiled. "In due time, Jack. In due time."

Jack just huffed, rolled her eyes, crossed her arms, and threw herself back onto her chair.

"I'd guess this won't be concerning a mission, seeing your outfit, commander," Jacob remarked.

Indeed, Shepard was not wearing his armor, like his habit when preparing for a mission. Instead, he was clad in the ubiquituous short-sleeved Cerberus uniform.

"No, but nothing less important, Jacob."

A collective figurative scratching of heads ensued.

"I think I should start at the beginning.

"You see, just two and a half years ago, I died. I got spaced, and The Alliance declared me KIA. No argument about that. If the asphyxiation due to my leaking suit did not kill me, then my body making an atmospheric re-entry to the planet Alchera would seal the fact.

"But someone, or someone_S_," Shepard stressed the last 's' sound, "did not give up. They retrieved my body, and brought me back."

"Yeah, yeah, Cerberus brought you back. Big deal. So what?" Jack piped up again, only to be met by a chorus of shushes from the rest of the crew. Quite uncharasteristically, she shut up. Sulking, but shutting up nonetheless.

"Yes, Cerberus managed to procure my dead body, and over the course of two years rebuilt me with cutting edge technology, and untold sums of credit."

"With impressive results, I might add," Garrus added.

Shepard smiled and nodded to Garrus. "Thank you, Garrus." Turning back his attention to the whole group, he continued, "more than just giving me my life back, Cerberus spent nearly the same amount of credits to provide me with a ship – this ship – a faster, stronger, better version of the ship that died with me, that fateful day two and a half years ago."

"I'd say. The technology of this Normandy far surpasses the original. Very nice," said Tali.

Shepard smiled again. "Thanks, Tali. But you really ought to thank the Cerberus engineers for that."

"Noted."

"But a ship, without a capable crew, is just as good as a heap of unformed metal. It is when that ship gained its crew does it begin to acquire its life, its soul. And again Cerberus supplied me with the best of the very best. Even some old friends, I might add. Old, dear friends of mine," said Shepard, nodding toward Joker and Chakwas. The latter just nodded back while the former protested vehemently.

"Now, hold on, commander. She's old, I'm not. Hell, I'm younger than you!"

Shepard chuckled. "Just a figure of speech, Joker. Just a figure of speech."

It was then Joker's turn to fold his arms and slumped back on the chair, skulking.

"A good ship, a good crew, but what's a commander without a good squad? So Cerberus compiled a list of dossiers, a list of the best of the best of the galaxy. People who are extremely capable in their fields. I visited you all, and you decided to join me in my mission. I can't begin to express my gratitude for you."

This time, Zaeed spoke, "Hell, you'd oughta thank Cerberus, Shepard. The pay's bloody damn good. They'r loaded. Loaded, I say!"

Shepard grinned. "That makes you and Kasumi, Zaeed."

"Hey, what're you implying, Shep? It's a work contract. And a breath of fresh air. It's nice doing a job that's not illegal for a change. Well, not exactly _totally_ illegal, but still."

Shepard chuckled. "Kasumi, I won't really call a payment that's more than what a marine can get in ten lifetimes a mere 'work contract'."

"Ten times a marine's lifetime income... why that bloody Illusive Man! He's short-changing me!" Zaeed suddenly protested.

"Hey, chill out, Zaeed! I got ... needs, you know? The artsy-fartsy stuffs are horribly expensive when acquired legally. Not to mention that you're practically my grandpa's age, you should be retiring."

Now, Zaeed's turn to fold his hands and sulk while leaning on the bulkhead.

"Alright. Now... where was I?"

"You're saying that you visited us all, and we joined you," Thane said with that gravelly voice of his.

"Right. And then we got top notch equipment. Maybe the best weapons money can buy, and some money can't buy."

"Will you get to the point, Shepard?" Jack again piped up, clearly exasperatedly.

Shepard fell silent for a couple of long seconds.

"Guys, I'm joining Cerberus."

The silence that ensued was enough to hear a pin drom.

Then the room erupted.

"Outrageous!"

"I can't believe you're doing that!"

"What the fuck? You outta your mind?"

"That's unwise. If not plain stupid."

Shepard raised his hands, trying to impose some semblance of order to the room. To not much avail, unfortunately, as the squad members proceeded to squabble and debate among themselves.

"Order. Order! ORDER!"

The room quieted, not really due to obeying that order, but more because of who yelled that order.

Miranda sat back.

"Thanks, dear," Shepard said to her appreciatively.

"You gotta be fucking out of your fucking mind, Shepard!" Jack shouted in anger. "They are a menace! See what they did to me!" There were murmurs of agreement.

Shepard narrowed his eyes at the young woman, and tried to reply as calmly as possible, "those people are splinters, cells that broke free from Cerberus —"

"Splinters? Fuck, Shepard! That's bullshit! I know you're naïve but I never know you're so... so gullible! The Illusive Man knew it! He started the operation!"

Shepard slammed his fist to the table, making a very loud 'bang' sound.

"Listen, Jack! Do you think without Cerberus paying your ransom you can make it out of cryo-stasis on your own? And if it was truly Cerberus that did all those horrible things to you, wouldn't they think twice before recruiting you?"

Jack tried to counter, but he never saw Shepard as... agitated as he was. He's... freaking scary...

"But... but... you saw the Teltin base at Pragia! You know I didn't... didn't make that up!"

"Yes, I did! And you also saw the vidlogs there! You knew what I said was true, but you're still denying it! You let your hatred to your tormentors cloud your eyes, and since they are nowhere to be found now, you strike back at the only link you have, no matter how feeble or tenuous that association is!" Shepard answered her, practically shouting.

Jack tried to reply, but her mouth just opened and closed several times, before she finally just close her mouth and averted Shepard's gaze.

"And remember. Cerberus even allowed you to blow up the Teltin facility. Had they been using that facility, they will plan to reuse it. But the fact is it had been left in disrepair, so much so the Blood Packs could strut there unchallenged."

Jack fell silent.

"Alright! Anyone else want to express their outrage at my decision?"

The squad members looked around between themselves.

Then Samara then raised her hand.

In that small pause, Shepard managed to calm himself down a couple of notches to call out, "Go ahead, Samara."

"Even though Cerberus indeed have brought you back to life, you really shouldn't hold yourself indebted to them. Consider your resurrection, the ship, and other support they gave you, as a sufficient penitention for all the horrible things they've done. Why join them and continue down this evil path?"

Shepard sighed once, then replied, "Samara, it is not *I* who am indebted to Cerberus. It's the galaxy."

The asari justicar raised an eyebrow. "I am sorry, Shepard. But I do not see how."

"Consider this," Shepard said, while tenting her hands so that the tip of his index fingers touched his lower lip. "Cerberus did not bring me back. You were not gathered. No one goes through the Omega 4 Relay. No one stopped the Collectors from harvesting the billions of people on earth. And then, what's stopping them from finishing the Human Reaper? One can only guess what havoc that thing could wreak."

"Human Reaper, very dangerous threat," Mordin suddenly remarked. "Reapers, known to integrate conquered species' DNA into their own. Purpose, unknown. Likely to introduce unique strength of each species." He paused to take a breath. "Humans. Genetic diversity unparalelled in galaxy. Who knows. Increased adaptability to weapons? New kinds of weapons? Endless possibilities. Formidable foe."

"I doubt they will even be successful," Samara countered. "We managed to disable the Collector Cruiser with our Thanix cannons. Surely the Alliance can procure some."

"Yes, perhaps. But there is still another thing," Miranda suddenly barged into the conversation. "They were also after Shepard's body."

The pause that ensued was so thick as all who were present pondered that information.

It was Mordin who broke the silence. "Fascinating. Shepard's DNA? Nothing special. Possible motives? Resurrection. Psychologically strong effect, people will be amazed at the Collector's technological prowess. Mind control? Most likely. Having Shepard under their control, not just demoralizing, but will also able to leverage the commander's tactical genius. In conclusion, had the Collectors managed to acquire Shepard's body," the salarian paused to take a breath, "probability of success for the Collectors, and by extension, Reapers, will increase very, very, significantly."

"Rogue Spectre Turned Supervillain, Episode 2?" Garrus piped up. "Hmm, considering Episode 1's extensive despair, deaths, and damages, I'd hate to see how Episode 2 will turn out to be. You know how sequels got better funding for more awesome effects."

Tali, who had been leaning on the bulkhead beside the turian, punched him on his upper arm. "Now's not the time for joking, you bosh'tet."

"Ouch!" Garrus exclaimed. "Sorry, dear."

Ignoring the turian-quarian pair – not an easy thing to do, actually – Shepard said to Mordin, "Thank you for the elaboration, professor. Although that bit about 'nothing special' kinda hurts, you know."

"My apologies, Shepard," Mordin replied, lifting his hands apologetically. "Meant no offense."

"Alright. None taken then." Turning back to Samara who still had that look when one was in deep thought, Shepard continued, "I'd like to have a private talk with you, Samara, after this meeting. I hope you don't mind."

Samara was a bit surprised. She *was* in deep thought over what Shepard, Miranda, and Mordin had said. "Oh, of course not, Shepard. I'll... look forward to that."

Shepard nodded at her, and again addressed the room. "Any other questions?"

Thane raised his hand.

"Yes, Thane?"

"I am curious, though, whether you made this decision before or after you decided to hand over the Collector Base to Cerberus."

Shepard nodded. "I had made up my mind before we arrive at the Collector Base."

"Care to tell us why, commander?"

"Which one? Why I saved the base, or why I joined Cerberus?"

"Preferably both, if it's okay with you."

Shepard mulled the question for several seconds, before replying, "Actually, the answers to both are related. But kind of long. Let me tell you about it."

Shepard straightened up. He seemed like spacing out. When he spoke, it was like he was somewhere else; his gaze was directed a million miles away.

"The Reapers are still out there, and they are coming. When we fought against Sovereign, it nearly decimated the Fifth Fleet. One single Reaper, one fleet. If we want to be victorious over the Reapers, we must be prepared. And at this moment, only Cerberus is prepared.

"We still need to band together, though. We need all the help we can get to present a united front against the Reapers.

"But I am no longer a Spectre. And if I return to the Alliance, I have no guarantee I will be welcomed. They may even try me for treason, knowing I've practically supported Cerberus since being resurrected. And even if I escape being tried for treason, I may get assigned to something where I have totally no influence.

"I have no desire to be honored; neither have I a desire to gain power. But with both the Council and the Alliance giving a blind eye to the Reaper threat, that's a risk I am unwilling to take.

"So, who else can I turn to? Who else realized the grave threat of the Reapers? Only one. Cerberus.

"Still, Cerberus is not mighty enough to fight the Reapers on their own. Even with the help of factions outside the council, the combined forces might not be enough. That's where the technology we can glean from the Base comes handy."

There was a lull in the air as Shepard paused.

"Would you not want to avenge all the colonists the Collectors have killed, Shepard?" Thane asked again.

Shepard went silent for awhile. When he finally replied, he chose his words carefully. "What's vengeance if it's for revenge's sake? So we wiped them out, so what? Can revenge return those who have fallen? Can revenge ensure our own survival when we finally come face-to-face with the Reapers?"

Thane bowed down his head.

Somewhat softly the commander continued, "You know, a man once told me that to destroy something gained at the cost of many lives, is to actually dishonor their sacrifices. I *could* blow the Base to Kingdom Come, but that means the colonists have died for nothing. Nothing, except fireworks that no living eye – save ours – will ever see." [2]

Legion, which had been standing silent, suddenly remarked. "We have consensus with Shepard-Commander. Value added to our efforts in fighting the Old Machines, increases significantly because of the addition of the Collector Base to our arsenal."

"Thank you, Legion."

"In addition, we have reached consensus that without backing from Cerberus, considering the persona non grata state that Shepard-Commander is in now, the probability for Shepard-Commander to successfully prepare a unified front against the Old Machines is zero."

Jacob, who also had been silent throughout the exchange of words, quipped, "Riiight. Still, no walk in the park. That's why Cerberus gonna need all cutting edge it can get."

"Exactly, Jacob," Shepard nodded in appreciation. "What about you, Grunt? You're the only one who had not said anything."

Grunt just snorted. "All I am concerned with, is that you are my battlemaster, Shepard. Tell us what we're going to kill and watch it die."

Shepard managed to prevent himself from chuckling. "Thank you, Grunt."

Clearing his throat once, the commander continued, "Now, I am well aware that the news is shocking. I know that some of you disagree with my choice. Therefore, I am now giving you the chance to rethink your commitments.

"I suggest we all retreat to our personal quarters, and think about it. If you still want to go with me, of course I will be thankful. Even if not, I'll still be grateful of all help you've given me. Listen to your conscience. Do not force yourself to do something you don't want to do.

"Tomorrow, I will be visiting each and every one of you personally. I do hope by that time you've reached a decision on whether to stay with us, or go your separate ways. Again, I'm not pressing you to do either. You are my friends; far be it from me to impose anything on you.

"If you decided to leave, then we will stop at the nearest Citadel-space spaceport to drop you and send you off.

"Thank you for being here. This meeting is adjourned."

Shepard left the Comm Room with Miranda in tow.

"Will they stay with us?"

"We can only hope."

—–—–—

Fifteen minutes later, Shepard and Miranda found themselves seated across Samara in the Starboard Observation Deck. Samara had paged them both when she arrived there.

"Thank you for your kindness setting aside some time for us."

"It's the least I can do, Officer Lawson."

"Please, Miranda would be fine."

"Miranda," Samara nodded. "I knew this time would come anyway. Especially after your heartfelt request when you met me before we traversed the Omega 4 Relay." [3]

Shepard raised an eyebrow. He glanced at Miranda, his eyes questioning her, oblivious to what had happened.

His puzzlement was not lost on Samara. She explained to the commander, "You see, commander —"

"Just Shepard, please."

"Shepard, Miss – Miranda visited me during our FTL travel to the Omega 4 Relay. She had requested that I promised her not to harm you in any way, no matter what happened."

"I see," Shepard replied curtly. He was somewhat annoyed that Miranda, even having told him not to do anything about the justicar's oath during the townhall meeting, didn't tell him about her own meeting with the justicar.

"Please do not be mad at her, comm– Shepard," Samara continued, detecting his annoyance at his girlfriend. "Miranda meant well. She was genuinely... concerned. She cares for you so much. She... loves you so much."

Shepard just nodded. Somehow the asari's words managed to defuse his annoyance.

Miranda just kept silent, but didn't dare to even glance at Shepard.

"For the question that I am sure is currently weighing your minds: Shepard's decision to join Cerberus has no effect to my oath. My oath binds me, and even though the Collector Base has been destroyed, we can never be sure that the Collector threat has ended."

Shepard was slightly confused. "Wait, didn't you actually say to me that your oath binds you until we survived the mission?"

Samara smiled. "Technicalities, Shepard. I gave you the oath to assist you in ending the Collectors threat. Until you personally affirm that the Collectors threat has ended, I am still bound by my oath."

"And if I say that our objective now is no longer the Collectors?" Shepart probed.

"Then the oath ends. I shall no longer be bound by the oath, and I have to act in accordance with the Code."

"Which means..."

"Which means, I will be forced to kill you, Shepard."

Upon hearing her words, Miranda immediately sat upright and tensed visibly.

"Please do not be alarmed, Miranda. I was just stating what the Code requires of me, and I believe Shepard is also... testing a hypothesis."

Miranda nodded, but in a guarded way, her eyes never leaving the justicar even for a millisecond. Something that did not escape the commander's eye.

"Calm down, Miranda," Shepard gently said to her. He shuffled closer to her, and wraps his left hand around her waist. "No harm's done," he said again, surprised at how tense she was.

In that moment, Shepard became truly aware of how great Miranda's love for him was. She would gladly sacrifice her life if that is what's required to save his.

Trying to find a loophole, Miranda spoke, albeit slightly tensed. "Does the Code not provide for any leniency? You have heard what Shepard said at the meeting. Won't the Code overlook Cerberus' transgressions, at least until the next ... incident, should there be any?"

Samara bowed her head down. "Sadly, no," she said with a frown. "It was... absolute. Transgressions deserving death shall be executed with death, and only death."

The room fell silent for awhile. Suddenly Shepard broke the silence.

"Samara, what do you think of the Reaper threat?"

Samara stood up and walked to the window. Facing the stars, away from the human couple, she said, "I believe you, Shepard. Honestly, I didn't. But now, I do. The Asari Republics, as a Council race, have suppressed any information about them. That is why I did not believe you. At first."

She paused to lean on the railings. "I have seen the vidlog of your battle against the... Human Reaper. I have seen the data EDI extracted from the Collectors database. I have seen this... this Harbinger creature, taunting through possessed Collectors, taking their bodies at will and using them as its pawns with complete disregard of sentient lives.

She closes her eyes. "I sense that Harbinger is not alone. It is but one of their ilk. The galaxy is in grave danger. But... I am bound by the Code. The Reapers are neither here nor now. But you, Shepard, you and Cerberus, are. Had not I bound myself to you by my oath, I am obliged by the Code to... take care of Cerberus. Including you."

The room again fell silent. At a glance, everything seemed like... a stalemate. Damn if you do, damn if you don't.

All of a sudden, an inspiration dawned on Shepard.

"Justicar Samara of the asaris, I am currently facing a mission, in which I must prepare the galaxy for the inevitable attack of the Reapers. And be victorious, when the time comes. Will you assist me in saving the galaxy?"

Legal stuffs was never Shepard's favorite. But finding loopholes was one of his forte.

Miranda looked at Shepard's face, and saw the commander smiling. She couldn't help but smile herself, her admiration for her boyfriend growing by bounds and leaps.

Samara was startled when she heard Shepard's request. She turned around, and returned Shepard's smile.

She decisively took several steps toward Shepard and Miranda, who quickly stood up, not to prepare a defense, but prepare for a solemn ritual they'd witnessed once in Illium.

Samara kneeled on one knee, and declared the Third Oath of Subsumation.

_By the code I will serve you, Shepard.  
Your choices are my choices.  
Your morals are my morals.  
Your wishes are my code.  
I shall serve you, under oath,  
Assisting you for your mission:  
To prepare the galaxy for the Reapers attack,  
And to be victorious against them when they arrived._

As Samara recited her oath, her body glowed with the aura of her awesome biotic field, as if signing and sealing the oath.

The human couple just stood there in awe at the display of her biotics. They had seen it before, but they never ceased to be awed seeing it again, nonetheless.

Finished with the Oath of Subsumation ritual, Samara stood up and smiled. Shepard and Miranda returned her smile.

"Welcome aboard," Shepard said as he extended his hand. Samara shook his hand warmly, and she also shook Miranda's afterwards.

"So, Justicar Samara of the asaris, let it also be known that the Collector threat has been successfully mitigated, and thus you are free of your oath."

Samara nodded, still smiling. Like Miranda, she couldn't help admiring the resourcefulness of Shepard.

"Thank you."

"No, thank *you*," Shepard said. "Like I said, we need all the help we can get. Well, I think it's time for us to go."

Just as Shepard and Miranda about to walk through the doorway, Samara called out, "Miranda, is it... may I talk with you for a little while?"

Surprised, Miranda looked at Shepard, who just shrugged. "Alright. Don't worry, Theo. I'll be joining you ups- um, later."

The door closed behind her as she walked back to Samara, who already seated herself on the room's sofa. Miranda sat down likewise with a quizzical look on her face.

"Miranda, I was once young myself. And being a justicar does not erase the memories of when I was still an fun-loving, adventurous asari. Now since you're a biotic, let me give you some tips on how to utilize your biotic field to give satisfaction, both to you and your lover..."

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**Footnotes:  
[1]** Mass Effect, the Mass Effect universe, and the characters within, all belong to BioWare.**  
[2]** Explanations and Excuses, Chapter 5 '_Jack_'**  
[3]** Last Rites, Chapter 7 '_The Justicar_'

**Author's Notes:** When two women start talking about how to 'satisfy' their partners... boy, Shepard's not going to have any sleep tonight :)

_*le sigh*_ I know I promised TIM to make an appearance. I didn't mean to lie. But this chapter – itself already split from the previous one – acquired a life of its own, and once again I'm forced to split it into two. **TIM will make an appearance** after Shepard talked to the rest of the squad.

I also promised **VisualIDentificationZeta** that this chapter shall contain Joker/Kelly; again, I couldn't make good on that promise. They got shifted to the next chapter.

On why Samara managed to be kept in this chapter? Well, Shepard had promised to speak with her privately *right after* the townhall meeting. The rest of the squad had been given 1 day to think.

Now, observant readers will notice that this chapter and the prior one is written somehow differently from the earlier ones. Suffice to say that these chapters shall serve as a 'backdrop' for another story I'm concocting. Rest assured, after the squad members give their answers, to rest of the chapters will be written in the usual style you've all grown to enjoy and like :)

Whoa! 4300 words already! I'd better close this chapter...

Until the next chapter, then! :D

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**Next chapter:** Answers from the rest of the squad. And some ... situations. You gotta read to believe :)

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	16. Answers, Part 1

**A/N: **Shepard's cracking. Prepare yourself.

**Poll Notice:** There's a poll on my profile, regarding Shepard's middle name. Go cast your vote!

**Disclaimer:** . . . . . . . . .

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 16: Answers, Part 1  
**

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Shepard was sitting at his private terminal. Alone. Miranda had to go downstairs to prepare the repair plans for the Normandy, along with the engineering and maintenance crew.

He didn't mind, though. He was psyching up himself to meet the whole squad, one by one. All of them, except Samara and Jacob. He'd been preparing himself for rejection, which he was sure would happen.

Not to mention that he practically didn't get any sleep last night. _Where the hell Miri learnt all that tricks?_ He had some suspicions on the asari currently staying at Starboard Observation, but... _Naah. She's a justicar. They're beyond frolicking. Supposed to be so. I think._

Anyways, he wouldn't complain of the results.

Miranda had said that it would take the better part of the day for her to complete the repair plans, so he was quite surprised to hear the annunciator chiming. Surprise was soon replaced by curiosity as he realized that Miranda won't chime; she'd just enter.

"Who is it?"

"Um, commander? It's me."

"Joker? Come in."

The second surprise was when Joker entered, for he didn't come alone.

He had Kelly Chambers with him.

And they're holding hands.

Wide-eyed, Shepard took a moment to fully grasp what he's seeing. Joker was not dragging Kelly, and vice versa. They were... walking together.

Shepard grinned widely, and commented, "Oookay. Now. This is a nice surprise."

"Uh, um, well... I... we...," Joker tried to talk.

Kelly slapped Joker's upper arm. Not too hard, of course. Gently she chided him with a whisper Shepard barely heard, "Come on! Just repeat what you have rehearsed to me."

Two pairs of eyes bored down on the poor, blushing pilot. Joker looked like a cornered animal trying to break and run. Consider a furry animal like a bunny.

Of course, Joker's not as agile as a bunny, so he sucked it up and blurted – in record speed, "commander⁞i⁞really⁞really⁞loved⁞kelly⁞and⁞i⁞want⁞you⁞to⁞officiate⁞our⁞wedding."

The sentence was totally lost on Shepard. Except the last two syllables.

"Whoa! You guys are serious about this? Joker? Kelly?"

Joker took a deep breath and spoke calmly. Well, slightly calmer than before, at least. "Well yes commander you see when you spoke of joining I really couldn't don't wanna get separated again when she was abducted I was so worried and I'll do what I can to prevent our separation and you joining Cerberus if we no you gave us opportunity to think so I think and I am very honored to serve with you but I really want to be by her side and..."

Kelly placed a finger on Joker's lips, cutting his jumbled speech. "You're hopeless, Jeff," Kelly ribbed him gently. "I'll translate what you said to the commander."

Turning to face Shepard, Kelly took a deep breath, and explained. "Commander, you see, Jeff had told me of your decision to join Cerberus, and how you asked the squad members to make a decision on whether they'll stay on-board, or leave. He had told me that whatever happens, he doesn't want to leave my side, so he had made up his mind to continue serving under your command.

"However, I also told him that I, or him, might be transferred to other cell if the situation demands. Granted, to my knowledge that doesn't happen frequently. Jeff had asked me if there is any way to prevent that from happening. I told him that if the crewmembers are married, then Cerberus will transfer them both, or find a suitable alternative.

"So, he asked me to marry him. And... here we are."

Shepard grinned wider. "I see. You just answered him like that? No getting-down-on-one-knee?"

"Well, sir, he *did* get down on one knee... but then I have to help him back up, lest he stumble, fall, and break some bones."

Joker pulled down his cap to cover his eyes. But his cheeks were beet red, out of embarrassment.

Shepard chuckled. "Alright. The standing rule in the Alliance would be to have a ceremony in the CIC, presided by the CO and the XO, officiated by a chaplain, and witnessed by as many off-duty crew as possible that can fit in the CIC. I don't know if the Cerberus have similar rules. Do you, Ms. Chambers?"

Kelly dropped her gaze as she stutteringly replied, "I... I am not quite sure myself, sir..."

Shepard nodded, and said, "Okay, no problem. I'll talk with XO Lawson on the proper procedures. I'll inform you both. In the meantime, return to your stations."

Just before leaving the commander's quarters, Shepard called out. "Thanks, Joker, I really appreciate your staying."

Joker just tilted his head and replied, "Hey, who'll keep your ass safe if it wasn't me?"

Shepard just chuckled and was about to turn around toward his personal terminal when Kelly suddenly spoke, "Oh, I suppose I have to congratulate you also, commander."

He raised an eyebrow and asked, "What for? Joining Cerberus?"

"That, and also for your relationship with Officer Lawson. She's... different now. And in a good way. I'm happy that she has finally found the perfect someone for her."

The door closed on the two couples as Shepard leaned back on his chair and smiled.

_Never underestimate the power of Love.  
For, even in the midst of crisis,  
In times of despair and not much hope,  
Love can still find the chance to bloom._

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

Shepard decided to start from the upper decks and progress to the lower decks. So, he visited Jacob who, the commander guessed, would be busy modding weapons in the armory.

"Yo, commander," Jacob greeted as Shepard came in, the weaponmaster rushing to stood up.

Shepard was taken aback.

Not because of Jacob's greeting. It was his usual greeting, although his voice was somewhat strained, a forced relaxed note.

The surprise was due to the presence of a certain hooded Japanese girl in the armory. And the fact that Jacob's work table, instead of being full of weapons in various state of disassembly, now holds two nice-looking (and expensive-looking) _bento_ trays.

Oh, also the fact that said girl was trying to feed said weaponmaster using a pair of chopsticks.

Said girl frowned and whined at Shepard, "Aww, Shep, don't cha ever use the door bell? At least knock? So I can lock the door from the inside."

"Um, sorry to disturb you guys, I'll, uh, come back later."

"No no no no no no, no problem commander," said weaponmaster quickly rattled off the words, as he made a dash to the commander, seemingly very anxious to put some distance between himself and Kasumi. "What can I do for you, sir?"

Shepard tried real hard to hold back his laugh as Jacob started to shuffle around, keeping the commander between himself and Kasumi, who had decided that if Jacob wouldn't sit still, she would feed him no matter where he's standing.

"Come on, Jacob," Kasumi squealed. "Open wiiiiide," she cooed to Jacob, a piece of tempura held in her chopsticks, as she chased the weaponmaster around the lauging commander.

"Git away from me, you ... posessed girl! Git git git!" Jacob retorted, trying to use the commander's body as a barrier. "That... piece of thing is laced with love potion number nine! I swear, you're up to no good!"

"Alright, stop moving, I need to talk with you both," Shepard said, still shaking with mirth.

"I will if she will," Jacob replied, now running around Shepard, Kasumi in a close chase.

"Operative Taylor, you will stop this instant! That's an order!"

Years of training, plus the fact that Shepard *was* his direct superior commanding officer, stopped Jacob in his circular tracks.

"And Operative Taylor, you will also open wiiide. And that's also an order," Shepard ordered.

Kasumi squealed in victory as Jacob resignedly 'opened wide'.

"Alright, at ease," Shepard ordered, grinning wide. Kasumi hugged him quickly, "Thanks Shep!" and hopped back toward the table.

"You know sir ... *munch*munch* ... that ain't fair ... *munch*munch* ... she really shouldn't ... *munch*munch* ... have any outside help ... *gulp*"

Shepard just grinned, "And wait for either one of you to get KO'ed due to exhaustion or dizziness? I don't think so."

"Alright, so what can I help you with, sir?"

"Hey, what's with that 'sir'? You used to call me by my name!"

Jacob shrugged. "Now you're part of Cerberus, I *really* should call you by your honorific."

Shepard sighed. "I hate this already."

The commander's comment sparked a laughter from Jacob. "Well, it's your option, sir. But you'll have to give the order."

Shepard shook his head. "Alright. Just call me Shepard. That's an order, Jacob."

"Fine by me, Shepard," Jacob replied, grinning.

"So... That means you won't be leaving Cerberus then?"

"Of course not," Jacob replied indignantly. "I've found my place here. Not to mention, Cerberus do a good job keeping me safe from... unstable elements of society," he added, giving a sideways glance to Kasumi.

The next thing that happened suprised Shepard and sent terror into Jacob's heart.

"If he's stayin', can I stay here too, Shepard?"

Either Shepard was struck with stupidity, or he chose to totally ignore Jacob frantically waving his hands, mouthing 'NO NO NO' with wild-wide-eyes. Shepard replied, "Sure."

Kasumi squealed with delight. Jacob groaned with un-delight.

"But I have to clear you with The Illusive Man first."

Kasumi's wide smile got replaced with a frown. "Mr. Man? Why?" she whined. "I thought you're in charge, Shep."

"Well, there's the reason of your payment," Shepard explained.

"Ah, I see," Kasumi replied, back to her cheery self. "I'll arrange that with him myself."

Shepard nodded. "Good, then. If he clears you, then everything's okay. Well, time to go for me. Enjoy your brunch."

Just before Shepard left the room, Kasumi called out, "Oh, by the way, could you ask EDI to lock the door and allow no one else to open it?"

Shepard laughed. Jacob's jaw fell to the floor. "EDI, you heard Ms. Goto. Lock the door, and allow no one to unlock it except Ms. Goto, me, or the XO," Shepard ordered.

"Affirmative, commander. Locking the door."

Jacob made a rush to reach the door before it closed, but Kasumi's faster: She tripped him.

"Commander! Please! Oh God! You're meaaaaaaannnnnnn..." was the last words Shepard heard before EDI locked them together.

Being the noble and understanding commander that he was, Shepard did what every paragon would do: he squatted and stuck his ears to the door.

"Git away from me, crazy woman!"

"Aw, c'mon... we're trapped together, let's have some fun!"

"You trap me! Don't manipulate the truth! EDI, open up the door!"

"I am sorry, the commanding officer's orders hold until either one of Ms. Goto, Commander Shepard, or Officer Lawson unlocked the door."

"C'mon Jacob... come here... get your priiiize..."

"Stay away from me! Or I'll shoot!"

"Oooh, you're naughty! I'd like that; I'm safe you know..."

"Huh? Wait, that's wrong metaphor! Git away! Heeeeeellllppp!"

Shepard stood up and laughed after hearing things crashing inside the locked armory. Wiping the laughing tears from his face, he strode to the Research Lab.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

"Shepard. Glad to see you. Assume you're here for my answer?"

As usual, Mordin always gets down to business immediately, never beat around the bushes. _Maybe that's why I really like this guy._

"Yes, Mordin. So, how will it be?"

Rather uncharacteristically, Mordin did not immediately give an answer. Instead, he indicated to Shepard to sit on a chair, which looks suspiciously like a dentist's chair. But with restraints.

Shepard sat there, but not without a bad feeling.

"Well?"

"Shepard, if I leave, maybe must return to Sur'Kesh. Boring. Not like here. I met rachni - or rather, rachni liaison. I see collectors - got good samples, too. Seekers. Collector Base would be great research subject. Exposure to Prothean knowledge, and also Reapers. Interesting things. Will not give up all that for desk job at Helos Medical Institute. So much new things, so much new knowledge," the professor rattled on, while still busy doing... something on his terminal.

"So, that means, you're staying?"

"Yes. Staying. Now it is very opportune I have you here. Appreciate it if you assist me in human sociological study."

"Huh?"

Mordin tapped at her terminal's console, and suddenly the retraints on the chair clapped shut.

"Hey, what the..."

"Do not worry, Shepard. I won't hurt you. Well, maybe just a bit."

"JUST A BIT? Let me go!"

"Right after my tests. You know,always wondered about human mating rituals. Example, why put in genitalia in mouth? No reproductive benefits! Thus, need for tests!"

Twenty minutes later, Shepard could be seen walking to the elevator in the swaggerin' style of a cowboy who's been ridin' a buckin' bronco twenty minutes too long...

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

"Okay, no permanent damages, commander," Dr. Chakwas said to Shepard.

"Oughh... thank God," Shepard groaned as he started clothing himself.

"I'll talk to Professor Solus. Next time he wanted to do such... experiment, it would be wiser to discuss with me first," the good doctor said as she folded back the medical scanners.

"Yeah ... *groan* ... just make sure he's in *your* room instead of the other way around ... *ughh* ... I'm not sure he had, uh, performed his experiments on human females..."

"Noted, commander. Now, I believe you came here not only for ... examination of injuries?"

Shepard straightened his shirt while muttering, "the only serious injury here is to my pride." Turning to face the doctor, Shepard added, "Yes. About what I said yesterday, remember?"

"Ah yes, whether I'll stay, or hit the exit door." Dr. Chakwas sighed as she seated herself on her chair. "Remember when I told you about Joker, commander?"

Shepard nodded as he seated himself across the doctor. Slowly and gently, of course. He started to understand why cowboys prefer standing and swaggering.

"That. Joker... gave me something... constant. You, too. And... I've never felt more at home myself...," Chakwas continued, pouring two tumblers of brandy for Shepard and herself.

Shepard took the offered tumbler, and took a sip. He just sat there listening.

"Back at the Collector Base... when we were trapped inside the pods... I see colonists being liquefied. I was... terrified. I cried. I had thought, 'God, please don't let me end up like this'..."

Her voice broke. She took a gulp from her tumbler, and poured herself another shot.

"I... I cried... and you know what? Across the aisle, I see*Patel... she was waving at me... and she signed - the International Sign Language of Earth - at me... you know what she signed, commander?"

Shepard shook his head and softly said, "No. What did she sign?"

"She signed... she signed...," Chakwas took another gulp as her tears started running down her cheeks, "she signed, 'don't be afraid, doctor, i know Shepard will come for us. he never let us down before, he won't let us down now.' ... I... I don't know what to say... I signed back, 'thank you, I am scared.'... and... and she signed back..."

Her tears now started to run freely. Shepard shifted his chair and gently grasped the doctor's hand in his.

"She signed back, 'me too. but we Cerberus have faith in him. he'll pull this out.'" The cries now graduated to outright bawling and sobbing.

Shepard gently patted her hand as she tried to control her emotions. "So there I was. Once serving under the great commander Shepard, but when the time of crisis comes, I disbelief you. And what was once your sworn enemy instead put their faith in you. I... I was so ashamed..."

"Shh... nothing to be ashamed, doctor... you know what they say... can't judge a book by its cover...," Shepard gently tried to calm the doctor.

"You know what, commander," the doctor said, before gulping her brandy again. Her sadness slowly being replaced by the intoxication of the brandy. "Ever since I stepped foot in this... this spanking new Normandy, I had been treated no less than a family member. A mother, perhaps. The crew would come to me, for medical reasons, but frequently just to... to share their fears... their hopes... seen lots of pics of toddlers... I felt... like I belong here.

"What a bloody contrast. In the Alliance, I was merely 'a medical officer' to be shuffled around, assigned to this ship or that post, like bloody gears in bloody machines. If the gear is broken, just get another one from the spare box and replace."

Shepard gently smiled as he took another sip from his tumbler. "So, you're staying?"

"Hell, yeah I'm staying Shep... Shep... Shepard... I won't leave my family... My friends... Too-dle-doo...," she said as she tried to stand up, and nearly collapsed. "Oh my... it's not Serrice... but strong nonetheless... help me get my sorry bum to a bed, Shepard..."

So the commander gallantly helped the drunk doctor lie down on an empty bed. After he tucked her in, he left.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

Well, he didn't actually left. Since he's already in the med-bay, he figured it'd be time to visit Legion. So he entered the AI core.

"Legion."

"Shepard-Commander, we believe that you are here to ask us on our decision: whether to stay with you or to go our separate way."

"Yes, that's right."

"We have reached consensus that this mobile platform will be accompanying Shepard-Commander, in order to fulfill its secondary purpose to act as a liaison between organics and geth."

"Thanks, Legion. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Actually, we do, Shepard-Commander. We have calculated a 72.5% probability of communication breakdown between organics and geth had this mobile platform not accompany you. In the likely event of comunication breakdown, we have calculated an 81.3% probability of civil war among galaxy races. And in the very likely event of civil war, we have calculated a 100% probability of defeat against the Old Machines."

"Um," Shepard replied, totally unexpecting *that* kind of answer. "Thanks?"

"It is just logical that this mobile platform must accompany and assist Shepard-Commander in his continuing mission, which is to prepare for the eventual and inevitable arrival of the Old Machines."

There was a silent pause as Shepard tried to formulate a reply, only to be beaten by Legion.

"Shepard-Commander, this platform has a query."

"Go ahead."

"Although we have stated that acquiring the Collector Base would be a great advantage to us against the Old Machines, how is it possible for you to overcome the function of your hardware that defaults to taking a revenge for all the harm the Collectors have done to the human race?"

Shepard smiled. "Ah, that. Alright, I guess... it was a sense of duty."

"That is illogical," Legion replied. "According to our obervation, 98.7% of organics in your position will very likely destroy the Collectors Base in vengeance."

"Y-yes, perhaps. But don't forget the 1.3% who won't."

"Exactly, Shepard-Commander. Which is why we posited the question on how the 1.3% is able to act differently from other organics. Could the 1.3% represent an anomaly of the organics? A faulty hardware whose function does not return the expected values given the same parameters?"

"Uh, wellll...," Shepard pondered for awhile. "I guess if one could control one's emotions, and also rely on one's experience, one can override the initial impulse of wanting to take revenge."

"Thank you, Shepard-Commander. With your input, we have now reached consensus that a better profiling of organics is needed to satisfy our hypothesis."

Another silent pause. Satisfied that Legion seemed to have its curiosity satisfied, Shepard was just about to leave when the geth suddenly asked.

"This platform has another query, Shepard-Commander."

"Okay, what is it?"

"You have stated that your ability to override your hardware function was the effect a higher-level function which takes into account your prior experience. Your squadmates are similarly experienced. Why do they not possess a similar function?"

Shepard sighs. _Oh boy, this is going to take long._

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

An hour later, a swaggerin' commander who's also swayin' drunkenly could be seen staggerin' into the mess hall.

Shepard had a headache. Damn with the answers, the utmost thing he needed at this time was a nice, steaming, true-to-the-punch mug o' hot coffee. He plopped onto the nearest empty chair. Luckily within shouting distance from Gardner.

"Hiya, c'mander!"

"Hi Gardner. Could you make me a mug of that wonderful coffee of yours?"

"Sure thing, c'mander. One mug o' navy-spec coffee comin' right up."

"Thanks."

"Words on the vine said yer joinin' up with us, c'mander?" Gardner asked as he prepared the coffee.

"Can't keep a secret in this ship, can we?" Shepard smiled, enjoying the aroma wafting from the galley.

Gardner chuckled. "Here, words travel faster than a starvin' varren after a lame pyjak."

Shepard laughed at that analogy. "Too bad. Had wanted to keep that a secret. A surprise for the crew."

"Naah, wouldn't be a problem," Gardner replied while carrying the mug of coffee to Shepard's table. "They're giddy with expectations, and they'll still be nicely surprised. Or at least would nicely be faking their surprise."

Shepard chuckled. "I prefer honesty, Gardner."

"Honestly, they're really grateful, and would do anything to repay their debts. And for me, honestly, I think your decision is a wise one c'mander. Man of action you are, fits what Cerberus is."

Shepard was pondering the mess sergeant's words when suddenly, his stomach growled.

"Oh my. You're keeping a varren in your stomach?" Gardner quipped, chuckling.

"Just realized, I haven't had breakfast," Shepard replied, somewhat embarrassed.

"Ah... then I got just the thing for you. Sit tight," Gardner said as he dashed off toward the microwave.

"I'm sorry, I'm fresh out of some ingredients for my galaxy-famous chocolate chip cookies," Gardner said as he pulls out something out of the oven. "But fortunately I've enough ingredients for something only Real Men dare to eat..."

Gardner placed the plate in front of Shepard.

Shepard felt like he wanted to cry tears of joy.

He hadn't eaten quiche for a long looooong time.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

Half an hour later, a quiche-filled Shepard passed in front of Miranda's room. He looked at the door longingly. But he knew she's not inside. _Maybe in engineering, or the shuttle bay._

He thought about who to go to next. He already met Samara yesterday, and he had already met Kasumi earlier. "EDI, is Garrus in the Main Battery room?"

"Mr. Vakarian is in Engineering with Ms. Zorah and Officer Lawson."

_That leaves only one other person on this deck, then._

He chimed the door to the Life Support Control Room.

"Enter," a gravelly voice answered from the inside.

"Hello, Thane," Shepard greeted his drell friend.

"Shepard," Thane politely greeted back. "Have a seat."

As Shepard sat, Thane continued, "So, I believe you're coming here wanting to know my answer?"

"Yes, Thane. If you don't mind."

Thane coughed.

Shepard inwardly winced. It pained him so much to see his drell friend suffering the late stages of the Kepral's syndrome.

"I owe you an answer, nevertheless," Thane softly spoke. "As you can see, Shepard, I think my disease is worsening." He coughed again. "As much as I would like to assist you further in your quest, I think the call of the ocean has drawn nearer to me."

Shepard just nodded as Thane coughed and continued. "I may have only one month left. Two months at the most. That's what the good doctor and Professor Solus said." Another cough. "It will be a great joy for me if you can release me from my duties, and let me spend the last days of my life with my son."

Shepard tried really hard to keep his emotions in check. "I understand."

Thane coughed again and continued, "Just drop me at the next Citadel-space port, and I'll meet up with Kolyat. We will then retreat to the retirement facility at Kahje."

Shepard bit his lower lip.

"Thank you for considering me a friend." Another cough. "The past few months have been... the happiest months of my life ever since Irikah left me." Thane blinked his eyes, apparently trying to control his emotions as well. "I am no longer alone. And I've done my atonement." He lifted up his gaze and stared into Shepard's eyes. "I have been blessed. For as I joined the ocean, it will be these good memories that accompany me for my journey."

Shepard blinked several times. Sometimes he wondered if life can ever be fair. Finally, he decided to extend his hand one last time to his friend. Softly, he offered, "Let's... both of us pick up Kolyat, and say our goodbyes at Kahje."

Thane was surprised. With shaking voice, he asked, "Would you do that? Isn't the Normandy supposed to be docked for repairs? I don't want to trouble you..."

"I'm with Cerberus now. I'm sure they can arrange... something for us."

The two men stood up shake hands, and hugged each other. This time, they let their tears flow freely.

"I'm going to miss you, my friend."

"And I'm going to remember you until the end."

**_Man's feelings  
are always purest  
and most glowing  
in the hour of meeting  
and of farewell._**

_~Jean Paul Richter_

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**Author's Notes: **Farewells, especially when you know you'll never meet again, are always hard.

Alright, alright! I *might* have been somewhat overboard with Mordin's scene there... but hey! It segues nicely into Dr. Chakwas' scene :D

More apologies: Writing the crew's answers was too damn fun! So, at almost 4900 words... another inevitable chapter split. The next chapter will go up... **soon**! (It's done, actually, but I'm pacing things down while waiting for my right hand to heal completely.)

I promise **less crack** in the next chapter :)

And finally we're gonna see **what TIM has to say** ;)

·

**_Edit 01:_**_ Stupid FFnet removed Joker's rapid-fire sentence. Forced to insert small dots to make the sentence appear. Gah!_


	17. Answers, Part 2

**A/N: **It's Tim! Not Jethro⁞!⁞!⁞!

**Poll Notice:** Last chance to vote! Choose my Shepard's middle name! The Poll is on my profile page. Poll closes on Monday!

**Betareader wanted:** Please read post-chapter A/N.

[- usual disclaimer here -]

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* * *

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·||·

**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 17: Answers, Part 2  
**

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His task on Deck 3 completed, Shepard boarded the elevator and continued to Deck 4.

Entering Engineering, he expected to see his girlfriend there, but all he saw was the dynamic duo of Ken and Gabby.

"Looking for your girlfriend, commander? Aye, but you are so unlucky. She had just gone downstairs nary 5 minutes before you arrive," Ken informed him with his Scottish brogue.

Shepard sighed, trying to hide his disappointment. "Ah, well, I'll see her later. Right now I got work to do."

"Right you are, commander. Nothing beats a feisty romp after doing all your job heartily," the Scot answered, followed by a loud slap as Gabby whacked him on his upper arm.

Shepard left the Engineering, shaking his head at the antics of the two engineers. Absent-mindedly, he opened the door to the Starboard Cargo... and stopped dead in his tracks.

Zaeed just stared wide-eyed at the commander. He didn't attempt to do anything, most likely because the young woman... um, 'riding' on him was pinning him to his cot.

It was the woman who reacted. Quite furiously.

"Hey! Who the motherf****r... Shepard! Can't you at least knock!" Jack yelled at the thunderstruck commander. "Or maybe you'd like to make this a threesome..."

"Uh, I'll get back to you later. Next time, lock the door!" Shepard yelled back while quickly turning around and ran away.

In no time at all Shepard found himself standing in front of the door to the Port Cargo. Learning his lesson, he chimed the door before opening it.

A guttural yell replied from within, "Enter!"

"Grunt."

"Battlemaster," Grunt replied without glancing at the commander, his attention seemed to be focused on a datapad he's holding.

"So, um, what are you doing?"

"I'm reading the life story of this inspiring human battlemaster named 'General Montgomery'."

"Ah. Great leader, he is."

"Yes. He inspired his footed-men to strike hard, even against armored vehicles. Hah! Now, *that's* a battlemaster par excellence!"

"The Battle of El Alamein," Shepard recalled. "The Alliance named a frigate after that battle you know."

"And their crew should be proud! They should instill within themselves the same fire that burnt in the heart of Montgomery's soldiers!"

Shepard smiled somewhat bitterly. "How I wish the fire's still burning."

Grunt looked at Shepard. "I know it is. It just needs someone to stoke it, nurture it, and make it ablaze. People like you, battlemaster."

Shepard's smile lost some of its bitterness when he heard the young krogan's praise. "Thank you, Grunt."

"And... I think I have to change my view of humans."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Battlemaster, maybe you remember, I had once said that humans are weak. I take back my words.

"What humans lack in strength, they make up in their courage. What humans lack in numbers, they make up in their strategy. What humans lack in rage, they make up in their conviction.

"It still surprises me, that the one who coined the phrase, 'What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger,' is a human. Not a krogan, not even a turian."

"Friedrich Nietzsche," Shepard added. "The quote is actually, 'Out of life's school of war: What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.'"

Grunt nodded. "That is why I've made up my mind to follow you wherever you go. Krogan strength and human ingenuity. Together, nothing will beat us!"

Shepard smiled at the young krogan's spirit. "It won't be easy, though, fighting against the Reapers."

"I know. But I've also learnt a lot from humans.

"I now understand that violence for violence' sake is something empty. Something unsatisfying. What's the difference then, between two people brawling in a bar, and an army fighting their enemy?

"It's the sense of purpose. The desire to accomplish something. The conviction to finish a mission successfully.

"With you, battlemaster, I have a mission. I have a purpose. I will accomplish things. I will be a TRUE KROGAN WARRIOR!"

Shepard could hardly stop himself from slow-clapping at Grunt.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

The mental boost he got from Grunt energized Shepard enough that he no longer have the reluctance to get his answers from Zaeed and Jack, no matter how... entangled they were.

Luckily, such sticky situation did not arise, as when he was approaching the door to Zaeed's quarters, it opened. Out walked Jack in her semi-dressed attire. Rubbing Zaeed's chin teasingly.

"We gotta do it again sometime soon," Jack cooed to Zaeed, who replied, "wellll, who am I to resist a hot biotic queen like you."

Shepard coughed twice.

"Shepard. *Now* your timing's good," Zaeed quipped. "So what was it back then that makes you wanna disturb my... entertainment?"

"Just wanting to know your answer, Massani," Shepard replied. "So, what's your decision?"

"Hell, you still owe me Vido's head, remember?" Zaeed retorted. Seeing Shepard nodding, he continued, "So I guess I'll stick around until we nailed that sonofabitch. I'll be needing the bloody exercise in the meantime. After that... well, you know, as I said before, our recent brush with the Collectors and the Reapers make all the local conflicts seem bloody insignificant... but we'll see."

"Fair enough," Shepard replied appreciatively. "What about you, Jack?"

"Oh, I still have to even the score with superstud here," said Jack. "I've lost twice in a row," she added with a smirk at Zaeed.

"And I'll soon make that thrice in a row," Zaeed countered, smirking back to Jack.

"Imagine that. Good fuck, on Cerberus ship, and Cerberus pay. Revenge sure is sweet," said Jack as she leaned to Zaeed and licked his ear.

_Ugh. _"Okay, I guess that means you're both staying. Good. Well, see you later," Shepard quickly said as he similarly quickly went to the elevator, which thankfully quickly opened just as he reached its door.

Zaeed and Jack just waved him away. Well, more like shoo-shoo-ing him away actually, but Shepard *really* didn't want to think about that.

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

The door opened and he got welcomed by a vista of busy-ness. Lots of crew were swarming the shuttle bay. Some lifting metals struts from one side of the bay to the other; some cutting metal plates; and some welding the struts and plates onto some structural girders.

_No wonder the mess hall was empty; Miranda must've conscripted all off-duty crew to lend a hand._

Shepard looked around scanning for her, and soon enough found her standing near the shuttle, overseeing some welding.

As stealthily as possible — which was not at all hard due to all the ruckus — Shepard approached Miranda from behind, and covered his hands over her eyes.

"Unless that is a human named Shepard, I'd say prepare to meet your maker," she threatened jokingly. As his hands uncovered her eyes, she spun around and smiled at the commander.

"Can't you see I'm currently busy?" she said to him, although her bright smile totally belied her being disturbed.

"Well, can you blame me for missing my girlfriend?"

Miranda rolled her eyes, "Corny. You should come up with something better. So, have you been with the rest of the squad? What did they say?"

"Mostly yes. Except Thane; he's worsening, and wanted to spend his last times with his son on Kahje."

Miranda's smile quickly changed into a sad frown. "I... don't know it's that... bad already..."

"Neither do I. I promised him we'll accompany him to pick up his son at Citadel, and drop them at Kahje."

"With the Normandy? No bloody way! Force this ship into another mass relay, and we'll arrive at the destination in pieces!"

"No, but surely Cerberus has other nice ship that's not readily recognizable..."

"Hmmm... I think that can be arranged..."

Before they had the chance to discuss the plan further, Tali and Garrus approached.

"Hi, Shepard."

"Shepard."

"Tali. Garrus," Shepard acknowledged the couple.

"Something tells me you're not exactly here to keep up-to-date on our makeshift repairs," Garrus remarked.

"Well... yes and no," Shepard admitted. "While we're speaking of repairs, what's the prognosis?"

"You want the bad news, or the good news?" asked Miranda.

"What's the good news?"

"The good news is that the ship is holding. We can patch the structural damage enough to keep the ship together during FTL travel," Miranda explained.

"Nice. What's the bad news?" Shepard said, bracing himself for the worst.

"Well, the structural damage is very extensive. The crash at the Collector Base bent some girders, and the following jump through the mass relay snapped some of them," Miranda explained.

"We shored up the accessible ones. But we can't fortify those outside the pressure hull without docking," Garrus added.

"And many electric lines were severed, some shorted out and melted. I have to praise the Cerberus engineers designing this ship for putting in the secondary systems and tertiary shunt lines. But as it is, we're now running on thin glass. Another break and that's it," Tali added.

Shepard nodded gravely. "That bad, huh? So, we practically must dock immediately?"

"We *might* be able to do one more Mass Relay jump, but that's it."

Shepard cast down his gaze. "So, any suggestions?"

"We can try jumping to the Valhalla Threshold, and from there a one week FTL to Garvug. There's a Cerberus-friendly spaceport there. But we'll need to strengthen the main girders first," Miranda said.

Shepard sighed. "We have no options do we?"

Three heads shook.

"Alright. Then let's do it."

Three heads nodded and replied their affirmative.

Shepard was about to turn around and leave when he remembered.

"Oh, Garrus? Tali? May I have a word with you two for a moment?"

The turian-quarian pair looked at each other, shrugged, and approached the commander.

"About yesterday's meeting... look, I know you two have been very busy, so I'd understand if you don't have your answers yet. But in case you have, can you tell me?"

The pair just stood there in silence for several seconds. Well, not necessarily in silence, as they gently prodded each other with their elbows.

Tali broke the impasse by saying, "Well, wherever he goes," tilting her head to Garrus, "I go with him."

Garrus went wide-eyed and turned toward the quarian. "Hey! That's my line!"

"It was; now no longer. Deal with it," Tali retorted, her voice dripping with mirth.

"What the... that's low-brow Tali... ohh just you wait until we get back to my place and I'll..."

*cough*cough*

Shepard's tactically-timed cough prevented Garrus from giving an exposition of all the fun 'punishment' he had in mind for Tali.

"Oh... um, okay. Well, Shepard, we've been thinking... and...," Garrus pauses as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Yes?" Shepard goaded.

"Well... we've been friends with you for quite some time, we've fought the geth together, jumping around the galaxy together, even share some... uh, private moments together — in a positive sense, of course..."

"Uhuh. And?" Shepard replied, trying to brace himself for more sadness.

"Annnd... we know you're not xenophobic, not xenophilic either, but you get along well, your focus is more on inter-species coöperation, and... Ow!"

"Cut to the chase already, Garrus!" Tali interrupted Garrus' rambling by stepping on his toe.

"More punishment for you dear," Garrus mock-threatened her, giving her a wink. "Okay, more to the point now: The Reapers threat is real. We'll need all the help we can get. I and Tali will be your liaison to parties outside Cerberus. So, we'll stay. But we won't be part of Cerberus, I hope you understand. We just want to be a bridge to others who might be less than trustful of Cerberus."

Shepard smiled. He really felt relieved that his dear friends wouldn't leave him. Trying to choke his emotions, he said to them, "Thanks, guys. You wouldn't know how much that means to me."

"Group hug time, then!" Tali exclaimed happily, earning her a... look from the male members of the trio. "What? Never heard of such term?"

Garrus and Shepard chuckled, then they group hugged together with Tali.

"Again, thanks guys. Now please don't let me disturb you further. You know I have a new boss and I must report."

Garrus peeked over his shoulder and quipped, "Well, she's still busy overseeing the crew's repairs, so what's the hurry... Ow!"

Tali retracted her legs, which had just been extended to give a kick to Garrus' shin. She rolled her eyes, muttering, "Men!"

Shepard couldn't help laughing at the turian-quarian couple. "Not that boss, the other boss," he said, grinning wide, earning him another eye-roll from Tali. "Okay, see ya!"

Shepard was standing there waiting for the elevator when he heard the heavy footsteps of Garrus running toward him. Shepard turned around to face the turian, and asked, "What's up, pal?"

Garrus leaned toward the commander, and with a conspiratorial voice, whispered:

"Do you have handcuffs aboard this ship?"

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

The Illusive Man was perusing Shepard's report when the holoprojector in front of his seat came to life.

"I have your report here, Shepard," the Cerberus leader said, showing the datapad to Shepard. "So, in essence, all squad members decided to stick around, except Thane?"

"Yes. But for a good reason," Shepard replied.

"Don't worry, I understand. His was a reason I will never argue. His payment is being transferred as we speak."

Shepard nodded. "Thank you."

"However, if he really wanted to see his son, he must hurry; it says here that his disease is entering the terminal stage. One month left, at best two months."

"That is right."

"And based on Officer Lawson's report I also have with me," The Illusive Man swiped his datapad, "even if you take the Shahrabarik Mass Relay to the Valhalla Threshold, you will still be 2 weeks away from the docks at Garvug."

"Yes. That is why I want to ask you to provide a replacement transport for awhile. Preferably something fast."

The Illusive Man just nodded. "Well, I have good news for you, Shepard. I'll provide the transport that can take all of you to Citadel, Kahje, and back to the Normandy."

"Thank you."

The Illusive Man swiped the datapad again. "Now, you wrote here: Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy will stay on board to act as liaison to non-Cerberus parties. Interesting. Is this your idea?"

"Well, no. It is their idea, actually."

"Hmm, I'm impressed. Very good idea, actually," praised The Illusive Man, nodding appreciatively. "I have to admit, I'm not a diplomatic man, so this kind of solution would never cross my mind. Now, have the three of you planned how this 'liaison' relation will be organized?"

"Mostly they will assist me if there are missions, and they will leverage their contacts to search for allies. In addition, Tal– Ms. Zorah will personally act as liaison for the Migrant Fleet," Shepard explained.

"That would be very helpful. The Migrant Fleet might need more than that, unfortunately. As it is, they are very vulnerable. A solution must be found for their situation," the Cerberus leader replied, his brows furrowing.

"I'm sorry, I don't really follow you."

"They will need a planet as a homeworld, to keep the noncombatants safe. That will release a significant amount of their military resource, resource enough to hopefully help turn the tide of war."

Shepard went wide-eyed. "You mean, you're offering them a new homeworld?"

"Don't get your hopes up just yet, Shepard. It's still too early to draw conclusions," The Illusive Man sternly said to Shepard. "At the moment, I believe it should suffice to say, I'm trying hard to help solve their problem. Consider it as a reciprocation of the olive branch they've offered."

Shepard nodded. "I see. Oh, Legion will also act as official liaison for the geth, provided that Cerberus cease all activities against them."

The Illusive man nodded back. "A price I'm willing to pay, fortunately. You can tell the geth that Project Overlord started when – what do they call it? Ah yes – the heretics still exist. It will not be restarted, as long as they also do not attempt to rekindle the animosity."

"I think not. They just want to be left alone."

"Alright. The rest of your squad, then. Let's do it in the alphabetical order you've sent me," The Illusive Man said, putting away his tumbler of cognac to swipe the datapad.

"Dr. Chakwas. So, she decided to stay? Very good; she's a mighty fine doctor. Would really hate to see her go. And her presence on the Normandy gives a great morale boost to the crew."

"Indeed," Shepard nodded affirmatively.

"Next. Hmm, we've talked about Garrus, so... Grunt. He's loyal to you. Can't he also act as a liaison to the krogans?"

"Not directly, no. He's still too young. But we have good relations with Wrex," Shepard explained.

"Ah yes, Urdnot Wrex," The Illusive Man acknowledged. Rubbing his chin, he added, "Fortunately, Cerberus never dealt with the krogans. Well, not directly. Unless you count our skirmishes against the Blood Packs as acts of aggression toward them."

"I don't think so. Wrex seemed to be contemptuous of the Blood Pack."

"Good. You may need to visit him and ask, what Cerberus can do to assist him.

"Next, Jack. Any luck reasoning with her?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "Not really. But she seems to be kind of settling as she gets close to Zaeed."

The Illusive Man shook his head. "Bad mix; don't ever let them into a bar or a club without supervision."

"Right," Shepard chuckled.

"Do you think she will see it to the end, Shepard?"

"That I can't be sure. Sorry," the commander admitted.

"Hmm, that means, you'll have to keep an eye on her. Do bear in mind that your safety – that includes you, the squad, the crew, and the ship – is of the utmost importance."

Knowing what The Illusive Man insinuated, Shepard replied, "I will, although I'm sure we won't ... come to that situation."

"Being prepared is always wise, Shepard.

"Next, Joker. So, he decided to stay. I am willing to bet Yeoman Chambers was involved in his decision," The Illusive Man said knowingly.

This was enough to make Shepard raise an eyebrow. "You knew about them?"

"More than I'd like to know, unfortunately."

"Do you also know they want to get married?"

"So they are that serious, aren't they? I see no reason why not. Go talk with Officer Lawson for the procedures."

Shepard nodded. "Alright."

"Kasumi. She had negotiated a fixed salary with me personally. Tell her that if she continues with her aggressive style, she'll never win Jacob over."

"You also know about that?"

"Yes, because nearly at the same time she sent me her message, Jacob sent me a competing message imploring me – no, begging me would be more precise – to not accept her," The Illusive Man chuckled, then shook his head.

"If Kasumi's really serious, have her talk with Officer Lawson. Miranda once had a relationship with him."

Somehow the last sentence sent a pang of jealousy into Shepard's heart.

"Legion, we've talked about... Ah, Professor Mordin Solus."

"That guy just can't walk away from new knowledge," Shepard commented, wincing as he recalled the... experiment the salarian had performed on him.

"I don't blame him. With the Collectors, the Reapers, not to mention the rachni, he's entering the most exciting decade of his life. And the presence of a multiracial crew is surely a new experience for him."

The Cerberus leader seemed to be lost in some thoughts for several seconds, before suddenly saying, "I think I'll have to patch him with the R&D team."

"You'd do that? I thought you'd keep your cells separate," Shepard asked, quite surprised.

"Time is of the essence, Shepard. Usually I avoid inter-cell interaction, too many leaks and connections that may bring us down. But as you said back there at the Collector Base, with a threat this big, rules go out the window."

Shepard nodded. "He'll be thrilled."

"Samara. Samara renewed her oath for you. That is beyond expectation. You should be proud of yourself."

"Not without some arguments, though," Shepard added.

"Indeed. I am glad she can see beyond the strictness of her Code. You have now a full complement of biotic squad. Very good.

"Finally, Zaeed Massani. I've seen the footage of his... disappointment. I'll send him a message, and give some bonus for his willingness to stick around."

"A fair warning: I think he's just biding his time until he finds Vido," Shepard commented.

"Yes, I am aware of that possibility. However, after knowing about the Collectors and the Reapers, I'm sure he'll stick around for more. Like waving a prime rib in front of a pit bull."

Shepard can't help but smile. He got to hand it to The Illusive Man; the guy surely knows how to read people.

"Alright, all in all, very satisfying results. Much much better than I had expected. Mr. Krios' case I had expected as much. I do have another surprise for you, commander. Something I'm sure you would appreciate," The Illusive Man said smugly as he set aside the datapad.

"What's that?"

"Ah, if I tell you, that wouldn't be a suprise now, would it? You'll know it when you see it," said The Illusive Man, a hint of mischievousness in his voice.

Shepard chuckled. "You're killing me with the suspense."

"Oh, you'll survive. I know you will," The Illusive Man replied, taking a sip from his cognac.

Shepard thought for awhile and asked, "What about the data from the Collector Base? Anything good?"

"Our supercomputers are analyzing them as we speak. If there are important information you should know, Shepard, I'll contact you."

Shepard nodded. "Alright, fair enough. Anything else?"

"One more thing: Would you like to tell your mother that you're still alive yourself, or would you like us to do it?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck again. "Oh, um... I think I prefer telling her myself."

The Illusive Man nodded. "You should. I think she'll also be happy that you've finally found a steady girlfriend," he said, nonchalantly taking another sip from his drink, ignoring Shepard who at the moment suddenly found his boots to be very interesting.

"Well, we're finished for today. Just make sure the Normandy is ready for the Mass Relay jump to Valhalla Threshold. Until next time. Cerberus Command out."

**~ o ~ O ~ o ~**

The Illusive Man just sat there in the dark for several minutes, enjoying a cigarette and his glass of cognac.

Then his console flashed the message "_INCOMING TRANSMISSION_"

_Right on time._

Crushing his cigarette and setting aside his drink, he tapped the '_ACCEPT_' button. Immediately a holoscreen appeared, showing the face of a man he'd look forward to talk with.

"Good evening, Admiral Hackett. Thank you for your kindness in setting aside time to talk with us."

"Cut the half-assed crap, Tim. You and I know each other long enough. You know I hate formalities, and I know you want something."

The Illusive Man smirked. "Steven, I got a proposition for you."

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**Author's Note:** A marathon of long chapters... hope they don't knock you out :D

And Garrus is naughty ;)

This chapter seems to raise more questions than it answers... Will the squad make it in time to Kahje? What's that 'surprise' TIM had for Shepard? What information will Cerberus reveal? What's Hackett doing there? Is 'Tim' TIM's real name? Should I have quiche for brunch? What the hell is crawling up my back?

For the answers, my friend, you'll have to read my stories ;)

Alright. We have finally finished 'wrapping up' loose ends after the Suicide Mission. Consider the prior chapters as inkling to what you'll get, a sort of 'pilot' if you will, of my new story "Lazarus Cell: The Series" which will get published soon! Yay!

For the next chapter, back to the usual dialog between TIM and Shepard :)

Now, about **that Betareader Vacancy**: My _next story_ has *massive* chapters. Too big for me to ensure its quality on my own. I'll be needing betareaders: two, or preferably 3 or 4. It's not a permanent position: You can resign as my betareader anytime you want. Betareading will be performed over emails. PM or email me if interested!

Remember: by being a betareader, you effectively set yourself up for **spoilers**. Think hard about it before you commit!

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**Next Chapter:** LotSB gets the dissection. Yeah!

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	18. Things Written and Unwritten

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay. This chapter's a doozy; I totally underestimated the amount of research I had to do just to write the draft.

**Translation Available!** My friend **morbus-rus** has kindly translated my story into Russian: _**Объяснения и причины **_( Story ID 6525059 )

**Poll Results:** See post-chapter A/N.

**Disclaimer:** Mass Effect... and so on... belongs to BioWare.

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**Explanations and Excuses**

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**Chapter 18: ****Things Written and Unwritten**

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Shepard was fuming. He impatiently waited for the holomatrix scanning to finish.

He had returned to the Normandy, and later took Liara for a personal tour around the SR-2. She was still as attractive as he remembered. Even more attractive, due to her maturing over the past two years and a half, and also because of how relieved she was of the burden that had been gnawing at her, the burden of her revenge against the Shadow Broker.

But they both realized, that whatever attraction they had for each other, it was squarely in the past. She had Feron now, and he had Miranda.

Miranda. The feisty, but extremely professional and dedicated XO had resumed her duties aboard the Normandy. No doubt under constant watchful eyes of Dr. Chakwas. But still, without her aboard, Shepard would feel lost. [1]

Liara had met his girlfriend earlier when the asari boarded the Normandy. They had traded stories about each other, picking up things of the past. Shepard was a bit envious of them; it was clear that they shared a history among them. He resolved to ask more about it when he and his girlfriend are in a more ... private and intimate situation.

After Liara left, Shepard had originally wanted to spend some time with Miranda. But then he remembered the OSD containing some information he pulled from the Shadow Broker's database. Curious about its content, he opened it using his private terminal, reading the files one by one alphabetically (purposefully making a conscious effort to read Miranda's last).

The file for Cerberus made him explode with rage. He immediately left his quarters and stormed the bridge, demanding to speak to The Illusive Man.

As soon as the holoimage of The Illusive Man appeared, he charged. "I demand explanations! You lied to me!" Shepard shouted at the Cerberus leader, pointing at said man with the right index finger.

The Illusive Man calmly took a drag from his cigarette, and puffed a copious amount of smoke, ignoring Shepard's anger. Needless to say, such display of nonchalantness annoyed Shepard greatly.

"'Lied' is a loaded word, Shepard," The Illusive Man replied calmly.

"Yeah? Then how would you explain all information the Shadow Broker has about you? And don't tell me they're manufactured!" Shepard shot back.

Again nonchalantly, The Illusive Man tapped his cigarette on an ashtray. "Oh, they are not manufactured, I assure you. But neither have I lied," he calmly said.

"Bullshit!"

The Illusive Man just smiled, and challenged, "Then humor me, Shepard. Show me where I have lied to you."

"Like Jack, for instance! You said you didn't know what happened to her!"

"I didn't know the full extent. I only know the partial details."

"Partial, my ass! You knew Teltin was experimenting on her!"

"That's right," The Illusive Man nodded in agreement.

"So how dare you say you don't know what happened!" Had there been a physical table in front of him, Shepard would've slammed it with both hands. The inexistence of such implement just added to his frustrations.

"I knew they experimented Omega-Enkaphalin on her. And I knew they were training her. But not *how* they trained her."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"I don't care if you believe me or not, but that's the fact."

"A fact you made up, I bet!"

The Illusive Man took a drag, and continued, "Had I approved of what they're doing, would I let Teltin fell into disrepair? Would I severely punish those involved? Would I let Aresh and the Blood Packs take control?"

Seeing that Shepard had no retort, The Illusive Man continued, "Shepard, had I approved of what they did on Teltin, the Jack incident would not result in the total shutdown of the facility. I'd just restart, and even *maybe* recruit like-minded individual like Aresh."

"Yeah, like you didn't try," Shepard spat out, feeling like he really wanted to spit.

"I didn't. If I did, would he associate himself with the Blood Pack?"

"That still doesn't convince me."

"Action speaks louder than words, Shepard. Remember our incident with the quarians?"

Shepard recalled the Cerberus leader's explanation on that incident.

Without waiting for the commander's reply, The Illusive Man explained, "That incident happened partly because we no longer attempted our own 'training' of biotics. Especially since Teltin is a concrete example of our own ... stupidity. We let the Jon Grissom Academy do our training now."

Shepard was surprised to hear the name of the academy. "But... that's an Alliance facility..."

"Don't be so surprised, Shepard. We have sleeper agents everywhere. Not to mention sympathizers within the Alliance ranks."

The Illusive Man inhaled more smoke before he continued, "And as to Omega-Enkaphalin, you should be glad that Matriarch Tilia Eraza is now no longer an influential asari."

Shepard eyed the Cerberus leader suspiciously. "I read her name. Who is she, and why should I be glad?"

"Well, for one, she's a 'biotic supremacist'. Ever heard of that?"

Shepard shook his head. "No. Not really."

"Then allow me to enlighten you," said The Illusive Man as he leaned back and made himself comfortable.

"Back during the days when humanity first appeared on the galactic stage, after the cease-fire and peace agreement solution that the Citadel engineered between us and the turians, there has been this... political movement against the full integration of humanity into the Citadel.

"Matriarch Tilia Eraza was the key person for this movement. Her battle cry - so to speak - was always, 'No place for non-biotic race.' Of course, the intent was less 'biotic supremacy' than a veiled attempt at stopping humanity's ascension, but the movement gained quite the follower.

"The Alliance jumpstarted the BaAT program to ensure that the 'biotic supremacists' main objection to humanity, will cease to exist. But they know that humanity will always be considered a second-class citizen of biotic users, because we never inherited biotic abilities naturally. So, the Alliance contacted us to help solve this... issue.

"So, we 'applied' Omega-Enkaphalin to the Matriarch. She lost most of her biotic powers, and suddenly the movement splintered on its own; one faction, the original conceptors of the movement, wanted to keep her. The other faction, the majority - who thought that the movement is truly about biotic powers - wanted to get rid of her.

"The bickering gave The Alliance enough time to develop squads of biotic soldiers, and thus silenced the supremacists."

Shepard just stood there, folding his arms. "Sounds like a tall tale to me."

"Indeed," The Illusive Man nodded. "Why don't you ask Samara about the supremacists. I believe she's old enough to remember all the details."

"I will," Shepard said in a challenging tone.

"Good, you'll be surprised. Disturbingly surprised."

Shepard felt disturbed already with the Cerberus leader's last sentence, but he set aside his feelings as he tried to regain his rightful rage. Suddenly he remembered, "You experimented the Omega-Enkaphalin on captive asaris! That's... horrific!"

"We do not have enough biotic humans Shepard. Not now, and much less then. We don't want to sacrifice valuable resource," The Illusive Man replied, looking slightly bored.

"But... the asaris! You once said that you don't initiate war against other races! You lied about that, too!"

"No, we did *not* open a front against the asaris, so to speak."

"Then explain where you get your 'captive asaris'! Abduction? Kidnapping? Maybe sacking some innocent souls of the streets of Illium?" Shepard practically shouted; he couldn't bear the thought of the act he just accused.

"No," The Illusive Man decisively said. "If we did *that*, it would be against Illium law, and we can no longer operate there. The 'captive asaris', to use your term, comes from a source that's choc-full of them, and oftentimes considered a scourge."

"You mean..."

"The Eclipse mercenaries."

Shepard found himself in a bit of quandary. On one hand, he disliked the idea of experimenting with captive asaris. But on the other hand, he disliked the Eclipse mercenaries even more.

"Come now, Shepard. I know there's no lost love between you and the Eclipse. Remember Wasea? The Sisterhood? Enyala? Not all asaris are angels like Ms. Liara T'soni. And even she... had her blemishes."

The mention of Liara's name sent a pang of nostalgia down Shepard's memory lane. A silence ensued for several long seconds before Shepard finally said, "Alright. Next question then. SSV Geneva."

"What about it?" The Illusive Man asked.

"You're trying to steal antimatter from that ship."

The Illusive Man tapped his cigarette onto his ashtray. "Truth is stranger than fiction, Shepard."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "You mean?"

"It was supposed to be a *transfer* of ownership - so to speak - of said antimatter from the Alliance to us, but in a way that will absolve the Alliance of having to explain why they support a 'rogue' organization like us."

"Wait," Shepard half-raised his left hand as his mind tried to process what The Illusive Man just said. "You mean, that was staged? You mean, the Alliance had planned to give the antimatter to you? Bullcrap, I say! Bullcrap!"

"No, it was just a very unfortunate stroke of bad luck. We had not prepared for the sudden inspection of SSV Geneva by Admiral of the Fleet Hayburn. He liked to bring his full coterie, and that day, our operatives ran into his men."

Shepard just snorted. "Yeah, and pigs can fly."

"Seriously, Shepard, when a hearing was held, why do you think it only resulted in the naming of 'Cerberus' as the sponsor? Why no take down, intensive investigation, implementation of better security?"

"Your men were controlling the hearing, I guess."

"Partially that, but also because some higher-ups in the Alliance wanted to bury their intimate relation with Cerberus."

"What did you plan on using the antimatter for, anyways?"

"I'm sorry Shepard, I cannot divulge you that. Let that be a surprise. Or not," The Illusive Man replied in a tone that clearly indicated he would not entertain that question anymore.

"Okay. There's also the question as to why you equipped the crime syndicates in batarian space with weapons then? Aren't you supposed to keep the edge colonies safe?"

"Yes. And we managed to tie up a significant amount of their military and law enforcement forces to combating the syndicates, instead of letting them cherry-pick our colonies."

"That's fighting fire with fire. Aren't you afraid that they will misuse their strength?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. They learnt well from the example we did on Trident," The Illusive Man replied smugly.

Something clicked in Shepard's mind. "The massacre of the salarian crime syndicate? Aha, don't try to tell me you killed them only to set an example! I know you're trying to control their drug trafficking!"

"I never said that the Trident massacre was *just* to set an example. Stop putting words into my mouth, Shepard," The Illusive Man said, rather annoyed.

"But... narcotics! Drugs! That makes Cerberus as lowly as the syndicate!"

"Not really. Supply them to the right planets - where humans are insignificant in numbers - and the drugs will have a good strategic value."

Shepard scoffed at the Cerberus leader's words. "Good value you mean. Money. That trade's gotta be worth millions of credits per month."

"*Hundreds* of millions, actually," The Illusive Man corrected. "But besides the money - which, admittedly, is nice to have - through drugs we can virtually control the level of anarchy on a non-human planet."

"That's... an outrageous plan!"

"Not necessarily Shepard. If you're surrounded by powerful *potential* threats, it's a good strategy to make them decay from within."

Shepard folded his arms. "And then attack them. So, that's it then? The best defense is an offense?"

The Illusive Man sighed. "Shepard, how many times I've told you, conquest is not the goal of Cerberus. Especially to ensure the survival of humanity. You know that humanity's outlying colonies - which the Alliance termed 'edge outposts' - are very poorly defended. A confrontation, and you can kiss those colonies goodbye. Hell, if stronger powers decided to be a bully... even the Alliance is not in position to defend them properly! It is wise then to busy them with internal issues enough to prevent them from attacking."

Shepard stood there defused. He knew he's losing this battle of wit. The commander-now-captain still tried to mount his last offense. "Still, you have lots of blood in your hand."

"You have to break some eggs to make omelets, Shepard."

"Is it necessary to kill Pope Clement XVI?"

"I apologize for offending your Catholic sensibilities, Shepard, but that was necessary. The pope was no longer in touch with interstellar realities, so he had to go."

Shepard folded his arms. "And what makes you say that?"

"Just look at current Pope Leo XIV. Or even all members of the school of cardinals," The Illusive Man swung his arm to emphasize his point. "They were all also Pope Clement XVI's cardinals. They have long known the dangers of the galaxy to humanity. Any one of them will make a good replacement for Clement XVI. Which is fortunate, because we have no say whatsoever in the selection process of a pope." [2]

Shepard just shook his head. "But assassinating God's chosen leader for the Catholic church? You're playing with fire. Here, and in the afterlife."

"I believe the ends justify the means in this case. I'll take my chances with God. He'll see that I ultimately did it for the sake of humanity. Sometimes it is better for one man to die, than allowing billions to perish."

"One? You killed the whole crew of MSV Anixara!"

"Raherix Ursivus was one slippery and *very* sensitive target. Attempting to take him out anywhere else would cause a war."

"Worth the tens of lives aboard the Anixara? That's hard to believe! Why not let the diplomatic lines work?"

"With him in the hierarchy, the question of another war against the turians is not an 'if', but a 'when'. He's well-known for being especially embittered about the turians losing against humans during the First Contact War. The crew died heroes, although no one knows about that. Except Cerberus and the Alliance."

"What? Leave the Alliance out of this!"

"Like I said earlier, truth is stranger than fiction. The Alliance had contacted us months earlier for 'a solution to the Ursivus problem'. Suffice to say, we delivered the result they wanted."

Again, another silence as Shepard pondered what the Cerberus leader told him. Not feeling as enraged as before, he asked "What about Claude Mennau?"

"He's a thorn in the side. Uncontrollable. We can't risk Terra Firma to devolve completely into a xenophobic organization."

"It *is* already a xenophobic organization."

"Not necessarily so. You really shouldn't be judging a book by its covers. It will be a lot easier to give true xenophobes a vessel to channel their xenophobic tendencies - and keep them in check. That is what Terra Firma is."

"You mean, its xenophobic ranting are just a façade? Oh come on! You surely can concoct a better lie than that!"

"Partially, yes. Those so-called 'ranting' are actually a calculated ploy to draw as many xenophobes as possible, and control their mindsets, so to speak. Or would you rather they make their own terrorist organizations, like the Totenkopf, and unleash them against the galactic populace? That's a sure-fire way for humanity to get negative attention."

Again, Shepard had to pause for a moment to wrap his mind around the Cerberus leader's explanation. "Okay, I concede that point. How about Artyom Gavrikov?"

"He's an out-and-out war hawk. Should you shed some tears over him?"

Shepard mulled over that question for awhile. "No, I guess not. How about the assassination of Presidents Enrique Aguilar and Ying Xiong?"

"We did not assassinate them. Michael Lang did."

"Oh, come on! Didn't the relaxation of regulations by Belknap benefitted you greatly?"

"That was a fortunate side effect. But Michael did that out of his own volition. Had he not, wouldn't Cerberus' name be plastered all over the news channel, and also Alliance bulletins?"

Shepard again stood there silently.

"In any case, Shepard, thank you for assisting Ms. T'soni. With your help, Cerberus has ridden itself of one of its greatest enemy."

Shepard smirked. "I wouldn't be so sure of that, if I were you."

"You mean, in relation to Ms. T'soni's newly-acquired position as the Shadow Broker? I *do* have reasons to be sure, Shepard," The Illusive Man smirked back enigmatically. Making Shepard very suspicious.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I think it would suffice to say, that we and Ms. T'soni have... reached an agreement, so to speak," [3] The Illusive Man calmly replied, blowing a copious amount of smoke. "You know, Shepard, with your self-righteous indignation at what you found out in the Shadow Broker's database, I still wonder why you have no indignation of what was *not* written."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "You've seen his intel?"

"Of course. Like I said, we and Ms. T'soni have reached an agreement."

"Okay, so what was not written, then?"

The Illusive Man again paused to take a drag. Letting the smoke out gradually as he spoke, "The Shadow Broker never wrote that we ever sabotaged any Eldfell-Ashland frigate to explode over densely-populated colonies. Strange, isn't it? Considering the extensive insider information that the Shadow Broker has gathered over the decade."

Shepard stood there, thunderstruck. He was about to reply when The Illusive Man continued.

"Oh yes, we did sabotage EAE once. Back in 2170, over Yandoa. That, I don't deny. But what about the rest of the 'accidents' over the prior 4 months? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?" [4]

Shepard shook his head. "That doesn't absolve you of the responsibility for the one you did."

The Illusive Man again took a drag. Releasing the smoke, his face changed to an embittered façade. "No, of course not. But why should Cerberus singly bear the blame of those series of 'accidents'? Why were the blame not shared among all the 'agencies' that the Alliance contracted that time?"

Again, Shepard was thunderstruck. "What? The Alliance?"

"After seeing the result of the BaAT first graduates, is it surprising for the Alliance to want more?"

Shepard didn't know what to say.

"Well if it's any consolation, Shepard, you shouldn't feel too bad about EAE. They're not exactly good guys, anyways," The Illusive Man remarked, crushing his cigarette on an ashtray.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh?" The Illusive Man looked surprised. "You don't know that they had petitioned for the Migrant Fleet to be banned from Citadel space?" [5]

"What!" Shepard went wide-eyed with unfeigned shock.

"Yes. It seemed that EAE had been embroiled in a dispute over some resources, and they blamed the quarians for attacking them."

"What! The quarians are not aggressive! There must be a mistake!"

"Maybe. Investigations are continuing as we speak. However, it was the EAE's conduct against the quarians that I strongly disprove of. Get up to date on your Cerberus News Daily, Shepard."

Shepard just nodded.

"I think that would be all for now, Shepard. Go get some rest. Oh, one more thing: Please don't be too harsh on Miranda when you see her file. She needs your support, not your condemnation. Cerberus Command out."

The Illusive Man's holoimage disappears, and the Comm Room was again bathed in light, leaving a very bewildered Shepard standing alone in the room.

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_**The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear,  
and the oldest and strongest kind of fear  
is fear of the unknown.**_

_**~ H.P. LOVECRAFT**_

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**Footnotes:**  
[1] See Season 1 Episode 01 of my upcoming story, "_**Lazarus Cell: The Series**_"; Episodes 01 and 02 actually take place _*before*_ the events in this chapter.  
[2] New popes are elected from among the School of Cardinals  
[3] See Chapter 15 of my story, "_**Last Rites**_"  
[4] See entry for Cerberus in the _**Mass Effect Wiki**_.  
[5] Cerberus Daily News (CDN), Nov. 28, 2010

**Author's Note:** And now, we're entering the hiatus for this story.

Yes, it appears the CDN headlines are just too diverse and inconsequential to build new chapters with, so I have to regretfully stop developing this story. At least until the next DLC comes out :) ... because of that, I won't mark this story as 'completed', for it is not ;)

A note of thanks to all you readers who have faithfully followed this story to this chapter. And also some XOXO for all you reviewers! You *truly* make writing this story worthwhile!

See you in my other stories!

**Poll Results:** 38% voted for "Julius"._ *Sigh*_. I had voted for "Winston", actually, but Julius-voters beat my preference by 8%, so... Julius, it is :)

**PS:** You can read the introduction to my new story "_**Lazarus Cell: The Series**_" here: **mcaf. ee/e1fab** (just remove the space; the page has been verified safe/'green' by McAfee)

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